again

Again, I can’t help but mention that I am far from it and I know it. In fact I think by now you know it as well.

This time I was so close, and now I am yet again so close to nothingness.

Months and months of crafting the perfect balance, only to be broken in 5 minutes.

I know what you would say to me, start over again, if you keep learning what not to do, you will eventually learn what you should be doing.

But right now I can’t, I just can’t.

And Again I ask you, why is that we cry without know what exactly we are crying about?


“ Little angel go away, Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today, I'll never hear a word you say
Promised I would find a little solace, And some peace of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so …Desperate and ravenous, So weak and powerless - Perfect Circle “

Until I am Fine

Been trying for the past hour to actually write down how I am feeling right about now, and all I have is the below lyrics. I wish I could fade away until I am fine.

I don’t want to fight anymore, or assure anyone that everything will be better. I don’t want to decided, or deal with confusion, mine or others. I don’t want to go past tomorrow. Today is the maximum I can do. I don’t want to push for greatness, mine or others, simple is what I can handle right now. I don’t want to lose or win. I just want to nothing everthing.

So tired I think I may actually fall asleep today.

" Don't ask me if I'm hungry, I'm not sick
Something’s tearing me apart, Brick by brick
And I feel guilty as I sigh, I'm feeling guilty, Why do I?
Take your hands out of mine
Take a rope and tie these thoughts of mine down
Until I'm fine
Cracked this morning worse and sad
Or have I already told you that
Forget my plans to grow a vine
You weren't dressed to burn these thoughts of mine
Until I'm fine - K's Choice"

Silent Night

Close to 5 am in the morning, and I am sleepless in Bahrain! I hear the birds chirping outside, they must all be ready to wake up, and yet I don’t seem ready go to sleep.

Been sick for the past few days, getting better and also getting worst. Antibiotics seem to be a bit too strong for me, They make me want to throw up. But Alas I can breathe again without any worries. This also could be the reason for me not being able to sleep.

There is something about the silent night that makes you think about the sad truth of life (or shall I say my life as thoughts will change according to people)

Here is what I have learnt tonight,

They don’t teach you everything you need to know about life at school, they seem to have forgotten the important bits.

Not everything is black and white, after awhile everything seems to turn to grey and your left in the confusion of all this grayness.

What cures you for one thing could make you sick with another thing.

When love is involved everything else becomes so worthless and when it dies everything else still remains worthless.

Unfortunately sometimes we must do wrong things, even if we are not proud of them or hated for it, it has to been done, and that’s just the way things work.

That not choosing is the laziest choice you can ever make, because it entitles others to choose for you, thus giving you the option to blame someone else if anything goes wrong in your life.

You cannot sacrifice yourself for someone you love, because you don’t realize how much pain you will be forcing on to them, especially if they see you hurting because of that.

5.14 am, I really need to fall asleep otherwise I will miss the rest of my weekend!

“I may be dumb but, I'm not stupid ...Trying to make this work by Rihanna - Stupid in love”

meh

I have recently discovered that I am too technologically advance for my liking, that I am too connected and in tune with what’s going on around me, and That things rarely can surprise me these days.

I don’t like it. You know the whole being available to people whenever, wherever, mainly because I’m not.

I miss the paper notes and letters from friends, or the late night calls from the house phone, or the meeting spot that everyone would automatically go to meet everyone.

So I have decided to go on a mini technology fast. I have started by not signing on to facebook and switching off blackberry messenger. I am not sure what it will grow in to or how long I will last, but I know that taking a step back is my way of moving forward. I know it wouldn’t get back the small childish things that I used like, but going back to the days when you physically used to hang out with friends rather that have a relationship with a mobile portable equipment is kind of what I want to achieve.

And if you are wondering how my notes are getting published without me signing on to facebook, my blog automatically updates my facebook notes whenever I have a new post.

My stand

I am beginning to think that the world has problems with individualism! With people who are capable of just being them selves.

Everybody has categories and labels, and if you don’t fit into one then earth will spin out of order, fly into the sun, destroy that ball of burning flames, and then we will all dehydrate to death because there will be no more water…. unless we move to the moon or mars???

Did you guys ever consider that being unique is also a category “SLASH” a label? I mean sure us unique people don’t seem to have anything in common, but duh it is maybe because we are unique!

I really want to be free to choose who I want to be, where I want to be, with whom I want to be with, How I would like to be with them, etc, etc, and if you have a problem with it is fine, because what others think of me is not my problem, it’s theirs.

I am not a pervert! I am a super pervert! – Jiraiya (Naruto)

Fighter

I think for the past few months, I have spent a lot of time just fighting, But what is it that I fight for?

I fight for pride, respect, and for my rights.

I fight because I think I am worth it, I fight because think I am not.

I fight for you even though you do not see it, even when you don’t fight for me.

I fight because I want to become stronger and people I have people I want to protect.

I fight for Dreams, smiles, tears, and pain, mine and yours.

But most of all I fight because I feel so dead otherwise, because the things you are passionate about are the things worth fighting for, and without them the world just seems to be so empty.


“Thought I would forget but I, I remember! I Remember!
Makes me that much stronger, Makes me work a little bit harder, Makes me that much wiser thanks for making me a fighter!”

Desperately

What we want is not what we are meant to have, Basic rule of life that I have been over and over again. I always want what I can’t have and I always need what I don’t want.

The thing is I know that you are so wrong, and that I should stay away, but yet I can’t help wanting you. So what do I do now? How far will I need to be running this time? I don’t not know, but I am running.



“ why can’t ignore it? I keep giving in, But I should know better, cause there was something about the way you looked at me, and its strange that things change, but not me wanting you so desperately”

Where do we do from here?

In need of a drastic change! I think everyone around me is in need of one( on a side note Tima Piercing your left ear’s cartilage is not what classifies as a drastic change!). Depression is in the air, should we just blame it on the weather? I don’t know, but what I do know, is that things will get better, It always does. In fact I think that I am feeling a lot better this week as compared to last week, though I still have the major question unanswered. “What’s Next?”

I have

3 Years of Education in Banking & Finance
3 Years of AIESEC Experience in Branding, Project Management, Team Management, Communication, Talent Management & External Relation
2 and a Half Years of Work Experience in a Call Centre
2 Years of Work Experience in Insurance

Which makes me pretty diverse, But really, what comes after all this? What am I going to do next? It seems to be a constant process of deciding for the rest of our lives.

I think for now I will just go ahead with doing what I like to do best, it seems to be the only way around. It maybe seen as slacking of, but I think I find a lot of comfort in the moment of now.

" Where do we go from here?
The battle's done, and we kind of won, So we sound our victory che -er.
Where do we go from here?
Why is the path unclear? When we know home is near? Understand we'll go hand-in-hand, But we'll walk alone in fear. Tell me!
Where do we go from here? "

Apology

I seem to have said the wrong thing at the wrong time, Or Maybe the truth at the wrong time.

The truth was my own and only applied to myself, I didn’t realize the damage until it was done.

When the glass is about to break you shouldn’t be the one that throws the rock that actually breaks it, because the glass pieces are too sharp to pick up and fix again.

And here we are standing in the middle of all of this broken glass, one slight move could and we could end up getting hurt, but we will never be able to move on without walking through all of this broken glass. There isn’t anything to protect us from it.

For that I am sorry we have to go through this together, when I was the one the threw the stone.



Truth is a whisper and only a choice, Nobody hears above this noise
Always a risk when you try and believe, I know there's so much more than me

Yeah I got caught in the ruse of the world, It's just a promise no one ever keeps
And now it's changing while we sleep, And no one can see

You know all I am, Feel this moment in you
You know all I am, Can you teach me to believe in something

Against the Hourglass

Time’s almost up, as I am yet again reaching another do or die moment in my life. Struggling against my fight against the hour glass, the pressure is on, and no one can help me, In the end it has to be me that decides.

However deciding hasn’t been one of my strongest points, and the result of all those, late night cups of coffee, walks up and down in the dark empty rooms of midnight, and the many disturbing sleep visions that haunt me every night; is just more panic and pressure.

The problem with you telling me that I can be whatever I want, is that the possibilities are endless, and the problem with them telling me all that I can’t be, is me craving for it.

And what’s worst than me admitting that I am no were close to understanding myself, is the screams from my reflection in the mirror. She tells me that even though we do look the same, she can barely recognize me anymore, and here I am suppose to decide….

It’s time for me to decide who I am going to be tomorrow… and the hour glass is almost empty, will I make that decision on time?

Try - part 2

The world is against you, they watch your every move.. waiting for you to fall… and all I have been doing is falling.
Falling…. It’s so easy to fall. To just let go of everything and say I am incapable, however what’s more important is what we do after we fall.
Should I lay down flat in the dirt.. or do I recognize that this is not where I should be and get up.

For now I am lying flat down face in the dirt, blindly not recognizing that this is not where I should be.
But tomorrow is a different day.

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

Another MEH moment

I would like to think that not hearing from you for all time is completely fine, and that I really don’t miss you at all, and that I am way past the point of caring… but that not true is it? I might be the most pathetic person to be constantly making up excuses on your behalf, or silently cringing at messages sent from others because they aren’t from you…It’s not that you have any importance in my life these days, but I still miss you…

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

(I miss you, miss you)
(I miss you, miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)

My 50

This post is kind of a contribution, from 2 of my friends. The first one asked me to write down 50 things I want to do in my life, I thought about it, and had come up with the below, Then I sent it to another friend of mine to ask if there was anything on my list that he could help me with... He replied back and I just couldn't help putthing his reply on my blog... enjoy folks! I just love him so much!

1. To be able to instantly focus and not procrastinate when work is given to me hehe when u do let me know how u did it
2. To Write a book write a page each day
3. To paint on the biggest canvas I can buy in Bahrain does walls count as canvas we can do it early in the morning when no ones looking
4. To Visit Japan me too , ok if anyone of us gets to go will take the other along
5. To Visit Australia hmm we will go on the way to japan
6. To Visit Canada good choice
7. To Visit Philippines dont hav to visit AMA uni
8. To Visit UK can help whenever u want we can plan it together
9. To Visit Netherland hmm we hav to see
10. To Visit USA its not worth it check the new rules we are one of the 14 countries to be searched by pading
11. To Visit Jordan didnt u do it already
12. To lose weight just walk everyday and cut down on junk food. dont stop but cut down
13. To run a marathon ur on ur own i can harrdly run to the bathroom
14. To facilitate a life changing session thats easy invite some friends over take a knife put it on kats neck then take it off there u saved her life
15. To be more organized hmm buy a digital organizer or use outlook to organize
16. To re-decorate my room buy a new desklamp =p
17. To improve my relationship with my family nod and agree to everything they say it works for me
18. To always see the positive of things hmm cant help here
19. To further my education me too
20. To write 100 posts in my blog ur getting there
21. To gain 2,000 visitors in my blog pay ppl to visit ur blog
22. To earn a salary of BD 2,000 before the age of 40 i see u getting more than that
23. To get my motorbike license lets concentrate on ur car skills first ;)
24. To own my dream car how can u own ur dream car and its in ur dream silly girl dreams are not real
25. To own my dream motorbike see 24
26. To redecorate my room go back to 16
27. To Have my own personal library in my home take a book from each of ur friends
28. To watch someone turn their life around and be told it is because of me u already did that
29. To own all the books that Brain Andreas has published! i dont think he has every book he published
30. To inspire people with words. u do that on a daily basis already
31. To never believe that life is harsh and reality is bad. get in line
32. To be on time always. take less bathroom breaks
33. To always be responsible and reasonable that time will cure
34. To Improve my photoshop skills keep practicing
35. To learn to master a new computer software every 6 months be more realistic no one can , do one per year
36. To buy a house… and work hard to make it a home good luck i am trying
37. To organize and be apart of a children’s reading group go do it
38. To be self confident always u have to fell good about urself first
39. To Try something new when ever the opportunity is presented just say yes
40. To always be true to myself
41. To always help when people need it u always do that
42. To pay forward all the help I go in my life see 41
43. To be well respected more than now?
44. To go bungee jumping we will go together
45. To go sky diving see 44
46. To go scuba diving we will go when i come to bahrain
47. To own a horse why they stink believe me
48. To always wake up and feel like the luckiest person alive u should
49. To help someone build a home sorry dear we can help decorate it
50. To teach someone something I know a lot about u taught me things about life i didnt know

I am Thinking maybe I need to re-look at my list and make some adjustments

Better days

And you asked me what I want this year
and I try to make this kind and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

- Goo Goo Dolls

Here’s to the first post of 2010. I really could not think of what else I wanted to add about the new year, except lets just make sure that we have more good days than bad.

Cheers to the Laughter, Sadness, Excitement, disappointment, Frustration, Amusement, Fulfillment, Joy, Loneliness and Insecurity of 2010…

Tima's did you knows

I feel like I am in a sharing mood today…. I am not sure what would come out of this but here is goes.

Did you know

That for awhile in my life, there was a period that I couldn’t say I miss you or I love you to people. In fact I made sure I never said it, even if I did.

That I also, didn’t hug people or lean on people or have much skin contact with people during that same period.

That my biggest fear, that I kept from everyone, is the fear of losing my hands and eyes, and that I really don’t mind losing any other body parts.

That I am not afraid to die, but I really enjoy living.

That the time I feel the most safe is at Sunrise.

That the worst gift a person could give me is flowers, manly because it makes me really sad when they die.

That I always used to sing the “wishing on a star chant” but never ever make a wish.

That a starry night can make me cry because of it’s beauty.

That if I start listening to a song mid way I can’t enjoy it, even if it’s the best part.

That I really don’t fully understand most of the human emotions, and I don’t know how to act according to each emotion.

That one of the best moments in life for me is, greeting your friends, and seeing genuine appreciation and love for you in their eyes, and knowing you don’t have to be told how much you mean to them because, you can see it in their eyes.

That I used to secretly cry for animal’s pain and people’s pain when they got hurt.

That now I try to be funny and make jokes about it (doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pain).

That is hurts me the most, when people tell me they didn’t feel the need to tell me something at the time, because they already knew they have my support and understanding, as I am a good friend OR that they didn’t want to trouble/worry me.

That I hate it when people I care about don’t trust me, it really offends me. Especially with directions!!

That when I start asking a person random questions, it means that I am pretty comfortable with them.

That I need to always find one good thing about a person, no matter how bad the person is.

That I am not afraid to tell someone how important they are to me.

That once I make a decision I follow it through, no matter how tough (but I do complain about it a lot).

That I get scared a lot.

That I really do love and enjoy getting random orange presents from people.

That one of the happiest childhood memories, involves me and a friend of mine re-painting our home, I think we did a damn good job with the paint.

That only I could get something apparently “positive” and be so angry at the reason it was given to me.

That I have a strong sense if justice.

That I am stubborn (many don’t know this).

That another one of my happiest childhood memories is my high school friends holding me down, putting make up on me, and taking me to seef mall to show me off. (I really hated it that the time though)

That I wake up most of the time feeling like the luckiest person alive (and then I remember I have to go to work an go into depression), doesn’t mean that I forget that I am the luckiest person alive.

That I hate talking on the phone, but when is someone I love, I find it hard to hang up.

That there are 2 guys that made a huge difference in my life, and I have never told them that, even though I still talk to them every other day.

That I will help anyone that asks for it (even an enemy), provided that I don’t lose anything in the process.

That someone important to me gave me a pokemon card during a meaningful hang out, and doesn’t know much I got back to it and think about that day over and over again, and the chain of events that lead us to be friends.

That I am not sure why I felt the need to write this, but am glad I did anyways……

Gaming Life

What are the rules? I said
and she said, Do exactly what I want whenever I want, make no demands of me whatsoever and love me forever, no questions asked
and I said, how do you win?
and she said, you don't understand. I'm the only one who wins & then she laughed & clapped her hands.
Isn't it a great game? she said."
- Brian Andreas

I can never decided if Life is a game or not, I mean people are always giving me quotes like “life is a game, be careful not to game over” and other cheesy ones I can’t really remember/ I don’t even want to remember.

There are also times that I have been told life is not a game, this is the real deal, if you mess up there is no going back.

But in the context of being selfish (as people often are), if I were to say my life is a game, the rules is that I am the only one that wins.

Storm

Something I wrote sometime back, but haven’t had the time to post it until today/ I haven’t felt weird enough to post it until today.




I am fine right? I don’t feel sick, Had enough sleep today, I am eating regular meals, exercising… But I’m not sure why I feel like I am in the center of the storm?

Someone used to tell me we live in seconds. Our happiest moment in life is separated from our saddest just by a second. If I expand on that theory can I say that in an hour there are 3600 times or shall I say moments that I could experience, and in those 3600 moments, I could experience one of the 8 basic human emotions, or the dozens of other complex emotions.

For some reason it seems unrealistic until your stuck in a state where your emotions are changing by the second. Right now I am feeling, Sad, Angry, Distant, Tired, Scared, Despair, Desire, Indifferent, Hopeless, Yearning, Dependent, and a few other ones that I can’t seem to find the words to describe, However.. 10 minutes have passed since I type this, and I am pretty sure I can’t feel all of those emotions at once... maybe if I combine all of them together I guess you can say I am over whelmed, but I am saying this on the 11th minute…? It just maybe possible to live in seconds, or more realistically in “ the now ” which we call our present. The now that is constantly changing.

The human emotions and way of living is hard and complex to understand, finding inner peace, and self happiness now seems like a myth…Realizing all this what do I do? Well I Smile, What else is there to do? And what's the use of crying when you can still find that life worthwhile. When you still find your able to look into your friend’s and ..some family member’s, in the eye and be truly happy that you know them and that they are in your life. When your able to feel your existence in their smile to you, and seeing it make you feel that every thing is going to be alright.

Why so serious

When one of your clients calls you up on your work extension and says “ Pussy Cat what are you doing? “ you stop, laugh and ask your self why the hell have you been taking life so seriously.

Oh yeah and about that call don’t worry the person wasn’t referring to me, they were really referring to their cat. What happened is that the mobile accidentally dialed my number without them realizing that, I answered the phone while they where in the middle of a conversation with their cat, I sat for maybe about 5 minutes enjoying the conversation. Well I guess now instead cringing every time when I see that person’s number on my caller ID when they are calling, I will still be struggling not to laugh.

But really, going back to the main topic, what happen to work hard and party hard? We/I have been so focused about my future that I am completely neglecting my present. I find myself constantly thinking boring, boring stuff, which are important, however life draining. I say screw it, you can’t say your alive if you just are constantly planning to live. No more I can’t, I won’t!

Goodbye

You’ve already lost me, and I am not coming back.

I don’t understand how you were able to drive a person away by trying so much, isn’t trying suppose to make it all better.

But then again, I think that, that was the price you were willing to pay in order to get what you want.

I suppose it doesn’t really matter to you that you have now become nothing more than an awkward glance down a hallway, a distant memory of what was, A reflection in the mirror you can no longer recognize.

All I can say to you now is goodbye, I’ve packed up and left long before you’ve realized.

Crossing lines

"I have too much to lose, she said, if I cross that line. Like what? I said. She could not think of anything that day so she said she'd get back to me. Since then I've been thinking what I would lose if I cross my line & I haven't come up with anything either. There's always another line somewhere. – Brian Andreas”

It’s funny, the amount of limitations we tend to put on ourselves. Always thinking about the things we can’t do rather than all that we can do. But what do we really have to lose? Is it really so much easier to hide in the safety of labels? Am I being reckless with my life if I cross that line? Will I hurt you if I take one more step?

I don’t know.

What I do know is, looking pass all of those labels and all of the limitations put forward by my “I cant’s”, I am larger than life, But right now through sense of reasoning, I have limited myself to just barely surviving.

Why does it scare me to cross lines, when I know I could be living so much better?

It could be the sense of belong to a particular label? The “all for one and one for all” masquerade that we tell ourselves everyday whilst sitting among family and friends, Or maybe it’s the comfort of never having to fail/get hurt, just because your never really tried to begin with? It could also be, that we are so afraid of change because it is something new and different, and that we just don’t know what to expect from it….

Whatever it could be, I just know that I wasted so much time not crossing lines, and now that I think about it, What did I really have to lose? And Why did I have to wait so long to cross the simplest lines?

What happens now that I know this? Another question that will remain unanswered for the moment.