I feel like I am in a sharing mood today…. I am not sure what would come out of this but here is goes.
Did you know
That for awhile in my life, there was a period that I couldn’t say I miss you or I love you to people. In fact I made sure I never said it, even if I did.
That I also, didn’t hug people or lean on people or have much skin contact with people during that same period.
That my biggest fear, that I kept from everyone, is the fear of losing my hands and eyes, and that I really don’t mind losing any other body parts.
That I am not afraid to die, but I really enjoy living.
That the time I feel the most safe is at Sunrise.
That the worst gift a person could give me is flowers, manly because it makes me really sad when they die.
That I always used to sing the “wishing on a star chant” but never ever make a wish.
That a starry night can make me cry because of it’s beauty.
That if I start listening to a song mid way I can’t enjoy it, even if it’s the best part.
That I really don’t fully understand most of the human emotions, and I don’t know how to act according to each emotion.
That one of the best moments in life for me is, greeting your friends, and seeing genuine appreciation and love for you in their eyes, and knowing you don’t have to be told how much you mean to them because, you can see it in their eyes.
That I used to secretly cry for animal’s pain and people’s pain when they got hurt.
That now I try to be funny and make jokes about it (doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pain).
That is hurts me the most, when people tell me they didn’t feel the need to tell me something at the time, because they already knew they have my support and understanding, as I am a good friend OR that they didn’t want to trouble/worry me.
That I hate it when people I care about don’t trust me, it really offends me. Especially with directions!!
That when I start asking a person random questions, it means that I am pretty comfortable with them.
That I need to always find one good thing about a person, no matter how bad the person is.
That I am not afraid to tell someone how important they are to me.
That once I make a decision I follow it through, no matter how tough (but I do complain about it a lot).
That I get scared a lot.
That I really do love and enjoy getting random orange presents from people.
That one of the happiest childhood memories, involves me and a friend of mine re-painting our home, I think we did a damn good job with the paint.
That only I could get something apparently “positive” and be so angry at the reason it was given to me.
That I have a strong sense if justice.
That I am stubborn (many don’t know this).
That another one of my happiest childhood memories is my high school friends holding me down, putting make up on me, and taking me to seef mall to show me off. (I really hated it that the time though)
That I wake up most of the time feeling like the luckiest person alive (and then I remember I have to go to work an go into depression), doesn’t mean that I forget that I am the luckiest person alive.
That I hate talking on the phone, but when is someone I love, I find it hard to hang up.
That there are 2 guys that made a huge difference in my life, and I have never told them that, even though I still talk to them every other day.
That I will help anyone that asks for it (even an enemy), provided that I don’t lose anything in the process.
That someone important to me gave me a pokemon card during a meaningful hang out, and doesn’t know much I got back to it and think about that day over and over again, and the chain of events that lead us to be friends.
That I am not sure why I felt the need to write this, but am glad I did anyways……
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Gaming Life
What are the rules? I said
and she said, Do exactly what I want whenever I want, make no demands of me whatsoever and love me forever, no questions asked
and I said, how do you win?
and she said, you don't understand. I'm the only one who wins & then she laughed & clapped her hands.
Isn't it a great game? she said."
- Brian Andreas
I can never decided if Life is a game or not, I mean people are always giving me quotes like “life is a game, be careful not to game over” and other cheesy ones I can’t really remember/ I don’t even want to remember.
There are also times that I have been told life is not a game, this is the real deal, if you mess up there is no going back.
But in the context of being selfish (as people often are), if I were to say my life is a game, the rules is that I am the only one that wins.
and she said, Do exactly what I want whenever I want, make no demands of me whatsoever and love me forever, no questions asked
and I said, how do you win?
and she said, you don't understand. I'm the only one who wins & then she laughed & clapped her hands.
Isn't it a great game? she said."
- Brian Andreas
I can never decided if Life is a game or not, I mean people are always giving me quotes like “life is a game, be careful not to game over” and other cheesy ones I can’t really remember/ I don’t even want to remember.
There are also times that I have been told life is not a game, this is the real deal, if you mess up there is no going back.
But in the context of being selfish (as people often are), if I were to say my life is a game, the rules is that I am the only one that wins.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Storm
Something I wrote sometime back, but haven’t had the time to post it until today/ I haven’t felt weird enough to post it until today.
I am fine right? I don’t feel sick, Had enough sleep today, I am eating regular meals, exercising… But I’m not sure why I feel like I am in the center of the storm?
Someone used to tell me we live in seconds. Our happiest moment in life is separated from our saddest just by a second. If I expand on that theory can I say that in an hour there are 3600 times or shall I say moments that I could experience, and in those 3600 moments, I could experience one of the 8 basic human emotions, or the dozens of other complex emotions.
For some reason it seems unrealistic until your stuck in a state where your emotions are changing by the second. Right now I am feeling, Sad, Angry, Distant, Tired, Scared, Despair, Desire, Indifferent, Hopeless, Yearning, Dependent, and a few other ones that I can’t seem to find the words to describe, However.. 10 minutes have passed since I type this, and I am pretty sure I can’t feel all of those emotions at once... maybe if I combine all of them together I guess you can say I am over whelmed, but I am saying this on the 11th minute…? It just maybe possible to live in seconds, or more realistically in “ the now ” which we call our present. The now that is constantly changing.
The human emotions and way of living is hard and complex to understand, finding inner peace, and self happiness now seems like a myth…Realizing all this what do I do? Well I Smile, What else is there to do? And what's the use of crying when you can still find that life worthwhile. When you still find your able to look into your friend’s and ..some family member’s, in the eye and be truly happy that you know them and that they are in your life. When your able to feel your existence in their smile to you, and seeing it make you feel that every thing is going to be alright.
I am fine right? I don’t feel sick, Had enough sleep today, I am eating regular meals, exercising… But I’m not sure why I feel like I am in the center of the storm?
Someone used to tell me we live in seconds. Our happiest moment in life is separated from our saddest just by a second. If I expand on that theory can I say that in an hour there are 3600 times or shall I say moments that I could experience, and in those 3600 moments, I could experience one of the 8 basic human emotions, or the dozens of other complex emotions.
For some reason it seems unrealistic until your stuck in a state where your emotions are changing by the second. Right now I am feeling, Sad, Angry, Distant, Tired, Scared, Despair, Desire, Indifferent, Hopeless, Yearning, Dependent, and a few other ones that I can’t seem to find the words to describe, However.. 10 minutes have passed since I type this, and I am pretty sure I can’t feel all of those emotions at once... maybe if I combine all of them together I guess you can say I am over whelmed, but I am saying this on the 11th minute…? It just maybe possible to live in seconds, or more realistically in “ the now ” which we call our present. The now that is constantly changing.
The human emotions and way of living is hard and complex to understand, finding inner peace, and self happiness now seems like a myth…Realizing all this what do I do? Well I Smile, What else is there to do? And what's the use of crying when you can still find that life worthwhile. When you still find your able to look into your friend’s and ..some family member’s, in the eye and be truly happy that you know them and that they are in your life. When your able to feel your existence in their smile to you, and seeing it make you feel that every thing is going to be alright.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Why so serious
When one of your clients calls you up on your work extension and says “ Pussy Cat what are you doing? “ you stop, laugh and ask your self why the hell have you been taking life so seriously.
Oh yeah and about that call don’t worry the person wasn’t referring to me, they were really referring to their cat. What happened is that the mobile accidentally dialed my number without them realizing that, I answered the phone while they where in the middle of a conversation with their cat, I sat for maybe about 5 minutes enjoying the conversation. Well I guess now instead cringing every time when I see that person’s number on my caller ID when they are calling, I will still be struggling not to laugh.
But really, going back to the main topic, what happen to work hard and party hard? We/I have been so focused about my future that I am completely neglecting my present. I find myself constantly thinking boring, boring stuff, which are important, however life draining. I say screw it, you can’t say your alive if you just are constantly planning to live. No more I can’t, I won’t!
Oh yeah and about that call don’t worry the person wasn’t referring to me, they were really referring to their cat. What happened is that the mobile accidentally dialed my number without them realizing that, I answered the phone while they where in the middle of a conversation with their cat, I sat for maybe about 5 minutes enjoying the conversation. Well I guess now instead cringing every time when I see that person’s number on my caller ID when they are calling, I will still be struggling not to laugh.
But really, going back to the main topic, what happen to work hard and party hard? We/I have been so focused about my future that I am completely neglecting my present. I find myself constantly thinking boring, boring stuff, which are important, however life draining. I say screw it, you can’t say your alive if you just are constantly planning to live. No more I can’t, I won’t!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Goodbye
You’ve already lost me, and I am not coming back.
I don’t understand how you were able to drive a person away by trying so much, isn’t trying suppose to make it all better.
But then again, I think that, that was the price you were willing to pay in order to get what you want.
I suppose it doesn’t really matter to you that you have now become nothing more than an awkward glance down a hallway, a distant memory of what was, A reflection in the mirror you can no longer recognize.
All I can say to you now is goodbye, I’ve packed up and left long before you’ve realized.
I don’t understand how you were able to drive a person away by trying so much, isn’t trying suppose to make it all better.
But then again, I think that, that was the price you were willing to pay in order to get what you want.
I suppose it doesn’t really matter to you that you have now become nothing more than an awkward glance down a hallway, a distant memory of what was, A reflection in the mirror you can no longer recognize.
All I can say to you now is goodbye, I’ve packed up and left long before you’ve realized.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Crossing lines
"I have too much to lose, she said, if I cross that line. Like what? I said. She could not think of anything that day so she said she'd get back to me. Since then I've been thinking what I would lose if I cross my line & I haven't come up with anything either. There's always another line somewhere. – Brian Andreas”
It’s funny, the amount of limitations we tend to put on ourselves. Always thinking about the things we can’t do rather than all that we can do. But what do we really have to lose? Is it really so much easier to hide in the safety of labels? Am I being reckless with my life if I cross that line? Will I hurt you if I take one more step?
I don’t know.
What I do know is, looking pass all of those labels and all of the limitations put forward by my “I cant’s”, I am larger than life, But right now through sense of reasoning, I have limited myself to just barely surviving.
Why does it scare me to cross lines, when I know I could be living so much better?
It could be the sense of belong to a particular label? The “all for one and one for all” masquerade that we tell ourselves everyday whilst sitting among family and friends, Or maybe it’s the comfort of never having to fail/get hurt, just because your never really tried to begin with? It could also be, that we are so afraid of change because it is something new and different, and that we just don’t know what to expect from it….
Whatever it could be, I just know that I wasted so much time not crossing lines, and now that I think about it, What did I really have to lose? And Why did I have to wait so long to cross the simplest lines?
What happens now that I know this? Another question that will remain unanswered for the moment.
It’s funny, the amount of limitations we tend to put on ourselves. Always thinking about the things we can’t do rather than all that we can do. But what do we really have to lose? Is it really so much easier to hide in the safety of labels? Am I being reckless with my life if I cross that line? Will I hurt you if I take one more step?
I don’t know.
What I do know is, looking pass all of those labels and all of the limitations put forward by my “I cant’s”, I am larger than life, But right now through sense of reasoning, I have limited myself to just barely surviving.
Why does it scare me to cross lines, when I know I could be living so much better?
It could be the sense of belong to a particular label? The “all for one and one for all” masquerade that we tell ourselves everyday whilst sitting among family and friends, Or maybe it’s the comfort of never having to fail/get hurt, just because your never really tried to begin with? It could also be, that we are so afraid of change because it is something new and different, and that we just don’t know what to expect from it….
Whatever it could be, I just know that I wasted so much time not crossing lines, and now that I think about it, What did I really have to lose? And Why did I have to wait so long to cross the simplest lines?
What happens now that I know this? Another question that will remain unanswered for the moment.
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