I feel like I am in a sharing mood today…. I am not sure what would come out of this but here is goes.
Did you know
That for awhile in my life, there was a period that I couldn’t say I miss you or I love you to people. In fact I made sure I never said it, even if I did.
That I also, didn’t hug people or lean on people or have much skin contact with people during that same period.
That my biggest fear, that I kept from everyone, is the fear of losing my hands and eyes, and that I really don’t mind losing any other body parts.
That I am not afraid to die, but I really enjoy living.
That the time I feel the most safe is at Sunrise.
That the worst gift a person could give me is flowers, manly because it makes me really sad when they die.
That I always used to sing the “wishing on a star chant” but never ever make a wish.
That a starry night can make me cry because of it’s beauty.
That if I start listening to a song mid way I can’t enjoy it, even if it’s the best part.
That I really don’t fully understand most of the human emotions, and I don’t know how to act according to each emotion.
That one of the best moments in life for me is, greeting your friends, and seeing genuine appreciation and love for you in their eyes, and knowing you don’t have to be told how much you mean to them because, you can see it in their eyes.
That I used to secretly cry for animal’s pain and people’s pain when they got hurt.
That now I try to be funny and make jokes about it (doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pain).
That is hurts me the most, when people tell me they didn’t feel the need to tell me something at the time, because they already knew they have my support and understanding, as I am a good friend OR that they didn’t want to trouble/worry me.
That I hate it when people I care about don’t trust me, it really offends me. Especially with directions!!
That when I start asking a person random questions, it means that I am pretty comfortable with them.
That I need to always find one good thing about a person, no matter how bad the person is.
That I am not afraid to tell someone how important they are to me.
That once I make a decision I follow it through, no matter how tough (but I do complain about it a lot).
That I get scared a lot.
That I really do love and enjoy getting random orange presents from people.
That one of the happiest childhood memories, involves me and a friend of mine re-painting our home, I think we did a damn good job with the paint.
That only I could get something apparently “positive” and be so angry at the reason it was given to me.
That I have a strong sense if justice.
That I am stubborn (many don’t know this).
That another one of my happiest childhood memories is my high school friends holding me down, putting make up on me, and taking me to seef mall to show me off. (I really hated it that the time though)
That I wake up most of the time feeling like the luckiest person alive (and then I remember I have to go to work an go into depression), doesn’t mean that I forget that I am the luckiest person alive.
That I hate talking on the phone, but when is someone I love, I find it hard to hang up.
That there are 2 guys that made a huge difference in my life, and I have never told them that, even though I still talk to them every other day.
That I will help anyone that asks for it (even an enemy), provided that I don’t lose anything in the process.
That someone important to me gave me a pokemon card during a meaningful hang out, and doesn’t know much I got back to it and think about that day over and over again, and the chain of events that lead us to be friends.
That I am not sure why I felt the need to write this, but am glad I did anyways……
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Gaming Life
What are the rules? I said
and she said, Do exactly what I want whenever I want, make no demands of me whatsoever and love me forever, no questions asked
and I said, how do you win?
and she said, you don't understand. I'm the only one who wins & then she laughed & clapped her hands.
Isn't it a great game? she said."
- Brian Andreas
I can never decided if Life is a game or not, I mean people are always giving me quotes like “life is a game, be careful not to game over” and other cheesy ones I can’t really remember/ I don’t even want to remember.
There are also times that I have been told life is not a game, this is the real deal, if you mess up there is no going back.
But in the context of being selfish (as people often are), if I were to say my life is a game, the rules is that I am the only one that wins.
and she said, Do exactly what I want whenever I want, make no demands of me whatsoever and love me forever, no questions asked
and I said, how do you win?
and she said, you don't understand. I'm the only one who wins & then she laughed & clapped her hands.
Isn't it a great game? she said."
- Brian Andreas
I can never decided if Life is a game or not, I mean people are always giving me quotes like “life is a game, be careful not to game over” and other cheesy ones I can’t really remember/ I don’t even want to remember.
There are also times that I have been told life is not a game, this is the real deal, if you mess up there is no going back.
But in the context of being selfish (as people often are), if I were to say my life is a game, the rules is that I am the only one that wins.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Storm
Something I wrote sometime back, but haven’t had the time to post it until today/ I haven’t felt weird enough to post it until today.
I am fine right? I don’t feel sick, Had enough sleep today, I am eating regular meals, exercising… But I’m not sure why I feel like I am in the center of the storm?
Someone used to tell me we live in seconds. Our happiest moment in life is separated from our saddest just by a second. If I expand on that theory can I say that in an hour there are 3600 times or shall I say moments that I could experience, and in those 3600 moments, I could experience one of the 8 basic human emotions, or the dozens of other complex emotions.
For some reason it seems unrealistic until your stuck in a state where your emotions are changing by the second. Right now I am feeling, Sad, Angry, Distant, Tired, Scared, Despair, Desire, Indifferent, Hopeless, Yearning, Dependent, and a few other ones that I can’t seem to find the words to describe, However.. 10 minutes have passed since I type this, and I am pretty sure I can’t feel all of those emotions at once... maybe if I combine all of them together I guess you can say I am over whelmed, but I am saying this on the 11th minute…? It just maybe possible to live in seconds, or more realistically in “ the now ” which we call our present. The now that is constantly changing.
The human emotions and way of living is hard and complex to understand, finding inner peace, and self happiness now seems like a myth…Realizing all this what do I do? Well I Smile, What else is there to do? And what's the use of crying when you can still find that life worthwhile. When you still find your able to look into your friend’s and ..some family member’s, in the eye and be truly happy that you know them and that they are in your life. When your able to feel your existence in their smile to you, and seeing it make you feel that every thing is going to be alright.
I am fine right? I don’t feel sick, Had enough sleep today, I am eating regular meals, exercising… But I’m not sure why I feel like I am in the center of the storm?
Someone used to tell me we live in seconds. Our happiest moment in life is separated from our saddest just by a second. If I expand on that theory can I say that in an hour there are 3600 times or shall I say moments that I could experience, and in those 3600 moments, I could experience one of the 8 basic human emotions, or the dozens of other complex emotions.
For some reason it seems unrealistic until your stuck in a state where your emotions are changing by the second. Right now I am feeling, Sad, Angry, Distant, Tired, Scared, Despair, Desire, Indifferent, Hopeless, Yearning, Dependent, and a few other ones that I can’t seem to find the words to describe, However.. 10 minutes have passed since I type this, and I am pretty sure I can’t feel all of those emotions at once... maybe if I combine all of them together I guess you can say I am over whelmed, but I am saying this on the 11th minute…? It just maybe possible to live in seconds, or more realistically in “ the now ” which we call our present. The now that is constantly changing.
The human emotions and way of living is hard and complex to understand, finding inner peace, and self happiness now seems like a myth…Realizing all this what do I do? Well I Smile, What else is there to do? And what's the use of crying when you can still find that life worthwhile. When you still find your able to look into your friend’s and ..some family member’s, in the eye and be truly happy that you know them and that they are in your life. When your able to feel your existence in their smile to you, and seeing it make you feel that every thing is going to be alright.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Why so serious
When one of your clients calls you up on your work extension and says “ Pussy Cat what are you doing? “ you stop, laugh and ask your self why the hell have you been taking life so seriously.
Oh yeah and about that call don’t worry the person wasn’t referring to me, they were really referring to their cat. What happened is that the mobile accidentally dialed my number without them realizing that, I answered the phone while they where in the middle of a conversation with their cat, I sat for maybe about 5 minutes enjoying the conversation. Well I guess now instead cringing every time when I see that person’s number on my caller ID when they are calling, I will still be struggling not to laugh.
But really, going back to the main topic, what happen to work hard and party hard? We/I have been so focused about my future that I am completely neglecting my present. I find myself constantly thinking boring, boring stuff, which are important, however life draining. I say screw it, you can’t say your alive if you just are constantly planning to live. No more I can’t, I won’t!
Oh yeah and about that call don’t worry the person wasn’t referring to me, they were really referring to their cat. What happened is that the mobile accidentally dialed my number without them realizing that, I answered the phone while they where in the middle of a conversation with their cat, I sat for maybe about 5 minutes enjoying the conversation. Well I guess now instead cringing every time when I see that person’s number on my caller ID when they are calling, I will still be struggling not to laugh.
But really, going back to the main topic, what happen to work hard and party hard? We/I have been so focused about my future that I am completely neglecting my present. I find myself constantly thinking boring, boring stuff, which are important, however life draining. I say screw it, you can’t say your alive if you just are constantly planning to live. No more I can’t, I won’t!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Goodbye
You’ve already lost me, and I am not coming back.
I don’t understand how you were able to drive a person away by trying so much, isn’t trying suppose to make it all better.
But then again, I think that, that was the price you were willing to pay in order to get what you want.
I suppose it doesn’t really matter to you that you have now become nothing more than an awkward glance down a hallway, a distant memory of what was, A reflection in the mirror you can no longer recognize.
All I can say to you now is goodbye, I’ve packed up and left long before you’ve realized.
I don’t understand how you were able to drive a person away by trying so much, isn’t trying suppose to make it all better.
But then again, I think that, that was the price you were willing to pay in order to get what you want.
I suppose it doesn’t really matter to you that you have now become nothing more than an awkward glance down a hallway, a distant memory of what was, A reflection in the mirror you can no longer recognize.
All I can say to you now is goodbye, I’ve packed up and left long before you’ve realized.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Crossing lines
"I have too much to lose, she said, if I cross that line. Like what? I said. She could not think of anything that day so she said she'd get back to me. Since then I've been thinking what I would lose if I cross my line & I haven't come up with anything either. There's always another line somewhere. – Brian Andreas”
It’s funny, the amount of limitations we tend to put on ourselves. Always thinking about the things we can’t do rather than all that we can do. But what do we really have to lose? Is it really so much easier to hide in the safety of labels? Am I being reckless with my life if I cross that line? Will I hurt you if I take one more step?
I don’t know.
What I do know is, looking pass all of those labels and all of the limitations put forward by my “I cant’s”, I am larger than life, But right now through sense of reasoning, I have limited myself to just barely surviving.
Why does it scare me to cross lines, when I know I could be living so much better?
It could be the sense of belong to a particular label? The “all for one and one for all” masquerade that we tell ourselves everyday whilst sitting among family and friends, Or maybe it’s the comfort of never having to fail/get hurt, just because your never really tried to begin with? It could also be, that we are so afraid of change because it is something new and different, and that we just don’t know what to expect from it….
Whatever it could be, I just know that I wasted so much time not crossing lines, and now that I think about it, What did I really have to lose? And Why did I have to wait so long to cross the simplest lines?
What happens now that I know this? Another question that will remain unanswered for the moment.
It’s funny, the amount of limitations we tend to put on ourselves. Always thinking about the things we can’t do rather than all that we can do. But what do we really have to lose? Is it really so much easier to hide in the safety of labels? Am I being reckless with my life if I cross that line? Will I hurt you if I take one more step?
I don’t know.
What I do know is, looking pass all of those labels and all of the limitations put forward by my “I cant’s”, I am larger than life, But right now through sense of reasoning, I have limited myself to just barely surviving.
Why does it scare me to cross lines, when I know I could be living so much better?
It could be the sense of belong to a particular label? The “all for one and one for all” masquerade that we tell ourselves everyday whilst sitting among family and friends, Or maybe it’s the comfort of never having to fail/get hurt, just because your never really tried to begin with? It could also be, that we are so afraid of change because it is something new and different, and that we just don’t know what to expect from it….
Whatever it could be, I just know that I wasted so much time not crossing lines, and now that I think about it, What did I really have to lose? And Why did I have to wait so long to cross the simplest lines?
What happens now that I know this? Another question that will remain unanswered for the moment.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Try
You will never know what you are good at until you try, That’s true, but trying involves failing a lot, but then after failing a lot you begin to succeed. Sound so complicated this endless cycle of trying something new and failing in order to succeed.
Wouldn’t it be so much better if I could know what it is that I want to do in life? Because right now I Just don’t know, and I am just to tired to try! Not scared, just tired of going to the motions of trying something new and exciting, then failing at it or realizing that this is not what I want, then going back to square one and starting all over again. It takes time, and energy, and I feel like I can’t do it anymore.
But then you come along and remind me of why I was trying to hard to begin with… and All I can do it try...
However this time your not here to show me.....
All I know …Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives ….Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow …The fewer the seeds the more I sow
Then I see you standing there … Wanting more from me …And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there … Wanting more from me …And all I can do is try
I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness … And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life … I thought I had designed for me
Wouldn’t it be so much better if I could know what it is that I want to do in life? Because right now I Just don’t know, and I am just to tired to try! Not scared, just tired of going to the motions of trying something new and exciting, then failing at it or realizing that this is not what I want, then going back to square one and starting all over again. It takes time, and energy, and I feel like I can’t do it anymore.
But then you come along and remind me of why I was trying to hard to begin with… and All I can do it try...
However this time your not here to show me.....
All I know …Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives ….Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow …The fewer the seeds the more I sow
Then I see you standing there … Wanting more from me …And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there … Wanting more from me …And all I can do is try
I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness … And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life … I thought I had designed for me
Thursday, November 5, 2009
What do you do when your scared?
What do you do when your scared?
Over more than a year ago I got “The Book of answers” as a birthday gift from some of my friends, Which sort of resembles the magic 8 ball. You can ask a question, then randomly open a page and get the answer for your question. I’m pretty sure they bought it for me as a fun/joke kind of thing, but what they don’t know is the extent to which I use that book. I don’t think anyone knows!
The questions of the day is what do you do when you're scared? (well one of the questions of the day)
I’m like any average person, I must admit that I do have my moments when I’m scared shitless, and I don’t mean scared about that cockroach running across the room or taking an injection shot. Just plain scared about life and the consequences of an action I have to take, or scared about doing something good for me because if I fail, I may not be able to pick myself up again or on the next level, the people in my life may not be able to fix me this time and I will continue existing forever broken.
So what do I do when I am in that state?
Well apart from procrastinating and silently suffering, Since the last year, I actually turn to my book of answers to help me take a decision. Now I know some people may be thinking how can I leave such decisions up to a silly little book or Why doesn’t she talk to a friend I’m sure that would be more sensible than leaving it up to a random flip of page right? Well that is completely true but, what I came to understand about myself is that I do have a strong belief that everything happens for a reason, and we are exactly where we need to be in life right now. However that strong belief tends to leave me in my time of making a decision as I often find myself re-flipping the pages of my book of answers to find the answer that I want to hear (Well in this case read), which means that I have already made the decision on what to do (all by myself might I add), but doing this little abnormal tradition somehow reassures me that everything will be ok.
As I usually flip past my first, second or third answer (In many cases fourth, fifth, sixth, etc) and get angry at what I am reading, usually I question or reason with the book. Why the book is telling me to do this? why not? But I really want to do this! Its not so bad, If I fail I wouldn’t lose much, etc. All questions/justifications I should of stopped to ask/tell myself in the first place. I could of saved a lot of time, But I guess as a fellow human, It would have be un-natural if I made things very easy and simple for myself, as we are complicated creatures.
But I do some what finally understand that no matter what, everything will be ok, and things always do get better instead of worst. I also understand that even when I am scared the most, I am able or I have already made the decision of what is best for me, and I am not leaving life up to chance.
But seriously, what does everybody else do when they are scared?
Over more than a year ago I got “The Book of answers” as a birthday gift from some of my friends, Which sort of resembles the magic 8 ball. You can ask a question, then randomly open a page and get the answer for your question. I’m pretty sure they bought it for me as a fun/joke kind of thing, but what they don’t know is the extent to which I use that book. I don’t think anyone knows!
The questions of the day is what do you do when you're scared? (well one of the questions of the day)
I’m like any average person, I must admit that I do have my moments when I’m scared shitless, and I don’t mean scared about that cockroach running across the room or taking an injection shot. Just plain scared about life and the consequences of an action I have to take, or scared about doing something good for me because if I fail, I may not be able to pick myself up again or on the next level, the people in my life may not be able to fix me this time and I will continue existing forever broken.
So what do I do when I am in that state?
Well apart from procrastinating and silently suffering, Since the last year, I actually turn to my book of answers to help me take a decision. Now I know some people may be thinking how can I leave such decisions up to a silly little book or Why doesn’t she talk to a friend I’m sure that would be more sensible than leaving it up to a random flip of page right? Well that is completely true but, what I came to understand about myself is that I do have a strong belief that everything happens for a reason, and we are exactly where we need to be in life right now. However that strong belief tends to leave me in my time of making a decision as I often find myself re-flipping the pages of my book of answers to find the answer that I want to hear (Well in this case read), which means that I have already made the decision on what to do (all by myself might I add), but doing this little abnormal tradition somehow reassures me that everything will be ok.
As I usually flip past my first, second or third answer (In many cases fourth, fifth, sixth, etc) and get angry at what I am reading, usually I question or reason with the book. Why the book is telling me to do this? why not? But I really want to do this! Its not so bad, If I fail I wouldn’t lose much, etc. All questions/justifications I should of stopped to ask/tell myself in the first place. I could of saved a lot of time, But I guess as a fellow human, It would have be un-natural if I made things very easy and simple for myself, as we are complicated creatures.
But I do some what finally understand that no matter what, everything will be ok, and things always do get better instead of worst. I also understand that even when I am scared the most, I am able or I have already made the decision of what is best for me, and I am not leaving life up to chance.
But seriously, what does everybody else do when they are scared?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Cravng - I only want what I can't have
But he did not understand the price. Mortals never do. They only see the prize. Their hearts desire, their dream....But the price of getting what you want is getting what you once wanted.
Craving! I only want what I can’t Have!!! And …. I only need what I don’t want. Many people might be able to say this, I however am stuck living like this, The only things in life that interest me are the ones I can’t have, and crave for them, I struggle and chase after them without a second thought to what it is doing to me. I want them so badly and I can’t give up wanting them.
But then again, I am not sure why I am complaining…. I do have a tendency of getting what I want, eventually, sooner or later , it does become mine.
When I left you, I flew
Did you fly too?
And nakedness befell my way
Only seen in light of day
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
And creativity, it soaks my soul
I asked not to be alone
You don't have to ask me for my hand
I already know where I stand
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
And consequences in the future
And feeling is now
And I can't feel the future
But I can be there for you now
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
Craving! I only want what I can’t Have!!! And …. I only need what I don’t want. Many people might be able to say this, I however am stuck living like this, The only things in life that interest me are the ones I can’t have, and crave for them, I struggle and chase after them without a second thought to what it is doing to me. I want them so badly and I can’t give up wanting them.
But then again, I am not sure why I am complaining…. I do have a tendency of getting what I want, eventually, sooner or later , it does become mine.
When I left you, I flew
Did you fly too?
And nakedness befell my way
Only seen in light of day
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
And creativity, it soaks my soul
I asked not to be alone
You don't have to ask me for my hand
I already know where I stand
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
And consequences in the future
And feeling is now
And I can't feel the future
But I can be there for you now
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Thinking out loud again.
Growing up, the hardest choices I had to make were , what crayon I want to color with? what to have for breakfast or what am I going to do for the weekend? (Mind you, I still have trouble deciding what I will be doing for the weekend). Life back then made a lot of sense. Everything felt so right. There was nothing we (or Shall I say I) could do wrong. There was no wrong choice.
I don’t know, It’s not like I am lost, sad or anything like that, I am just wondering what happened to my freedom of choice, Actually no! I am wondering when I stopped fighting for it. I watch many people around me give up! For them it’s the finish line, I hear them thinking, “If this is what society/family/friends me to do, I shall do it” and I see them just give in. I wonder if they have any ambitions or dreams, or how much I am willing to give up to make others happy.
I think about my own dreams, they sure as hell will disappoint mum and dad, and I am wondering how much should I really care. Should I honor them by becoming a mindless zombie (which also somehow will upset them as well), Or should I go for it, Leap up to the sky without ever looking down and hope to god that eventually they will understand.
This is me, This is now, and unfortunately like others I have managed to lock myself up in a box filled up with full of secrets. But not for long, Because I want to always and forever see the good things in life! Ps- If your wondering what inspired my above chain of thoughts read below.
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU ACHE FOR, AND IF YOU DARE TO DREAM OF MEETING YOUR HEART’S LONGING.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WILL RISK LOOKING LIKE A FOOL FOR LOVE, FOR YOUR DREAM, FOR THE ADVENTURE OF BEING ALIVE.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE CENTRE OF YOUR OWN SORROW, IF YOU HAVE BEEN OPENED BY LIFE’S BETRAYALS, OR HAVE BECOME SHRIVELLED AND CLOSED FROM FEAR OF FURTHER PAIN.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN SIT WITH PAIN - MINE OR YOUR OWN - WITHOUT MOVING TO HIDE IT, OR FADE IT, OR FIX IT.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN BE WITH JOY - MINE OR YOUR OWN; IF YOU CAN DANCE WITH WILDNESS, AND LET THE ECSTASY FILL YOU TO THE TIPS OF YOUR FINGERS AND TOES, WITHOUT CAUTIONING US TO BE CAREFUL, BE REALISTIC, TO REMEMBER THE LIMITATIONS OF BEING HUMAN.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN DISAPPOINT ANOTHER TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF: IF YOU CAN BEAR THE ACCUSATION OF BETRAYAL AND NOT BETRAY YOUR OWN SOUL: IF YOU CAN BE FAITHLESS AND THEREFORE TRUSTWORTHY.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN SEE BEAUTY, EVEN WHEN IT IS NOT PRETTY EVERY DAY, AND IF YOU CAN SOURCE YOUR LIFE FROM ITS’ PRESENCE. I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN LIVE WITH FAILURE, YOURS AND MINE, AND STILL STAND ON THE EDGE OF THE LAKE AND SHOUT TO THE SILVER OF THE FULL MOON, “YES!”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live, or how much money you have.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN GET UP AFTER THE NIGHT OF GRIEF AND DESPAIR, WEARY AND BRUISED TO THE BONE, AND DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE TO FEED THE CHILDREN.
It doesn’t interest me what you know, or why you came here.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WILL STAND IN THE CENTRE OF THE FIRE WITH ME, AND NOT SHRINK BACK.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SUSTAINS YOU FROM THE INSIDE, WHEN ALL ELSE FALLS AWAY. I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN BE ALONE WITH YOURSELF, AND IF YOU TRULY LIKE THE COMPANY YOU KEEP IN THE EMPTY MOMENTS.
The Invitation – Oriah, Mountain Dreamer
I don’t know, It’s not like I am lost, sad or anything like that, I am just wondering what happened to my freedom of choice, Actually no! I am wondering when I stopped fighting for it. I watch many people around me give up! For them it’s the finish line, I hear them thinking, “If this is what society/family/friends me to do, I shall do it” and I see them just give in. I wonder if they have any ambitions or dreams, or how much I am willing to give up to make others happy.
I think about my own dreams, they sure as hell will disappoint mum and dad, and I am wondering how much should I really care. Should I honor them by becoming a mindless zombie (which also somehow will upset them as well), Or should I go for it, Leap up to the sky without ever looking down and hope to god that eventually they will understand.
This is me, This is now, and unfortunately like others I have managed to lock myself up in a box filled up with full of secrets. But not for long, Because I want to always and forever see the good things in life! Ps- If your wondering what inspired my above chain of thoughts read below.
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU ACHE FOR, AND IF YOU DARE TO DREAM OF MEETING YOUR HEART’S LONGING.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WILL RISK LOOKING LIKE A FOOL FOR LOVE, FOR YOUR DREAM, FOR THE ADVENTURE OF BEING ALIVE.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE CENTRE OF YOUR OWN SORROW, IF YOU HAVE BEEN OPENED BY LIFE’S BETRAYALS, OR HAVE BECOME SHRIVELLED AND CLOSED FROM FEAR OF FURTHER PAIN.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN SIT WITH PAIN - MINE OR YOUR OWN - WITHOUT MOVING TO HIDE IT, OR FADE IT, OR FIX IT.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN BE WITH JOY - MINE OR YOUR OWN; IF YOU CAN DANCE WITH WILDNESS, AND LET THE ECSTASY FILL YOU TO THE TIPS OF YOUR FINGERS AND TOES, WITHOUT CAUTIONING US TO BE CAREFUL, BE REALISTIC, TO REMEMBER THE LIMITATIONS OF BEING HUMAN.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN DISAPPOINT ANOTHER TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF: IF YOU CAN BEAR THE ACCUSATION OF BETRAYAL AND NOT BETRAY YOUR OWN SOUL: IF YOU CAN BE FAITHLESS AND THEREFORE TRUSTWORTHY.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN SEE BEAUTY, EVEN WHEN IT IS NOT PRETTY EVERY DAY, AND IF YOU CAN SOURCE YOUR LIFE FROM ITS’ PRESENCE. I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN LIVE WITH FAILURE, YOURS AND MINE, AND STILL STAND ON THE EDGE OF THE LAKE AND SHOUT TO THE SILVER OF THE FULL MOON, “YES!”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live, or how much money you have.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN GET UP AFTER THE NIGHT OF GRIEF AND DESPAIR, WEARY AND BRUISED TO THE BONE, AND DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE TO FEED THE CHILDREN.
It doesn’t interest me what you know, or why you came here.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WILL STAND IN THE CENTRE OF THE FIRE WITH ME, AND NOT SHRINK BACK.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SUSTAINS YOU FROM THE INSIDE, WHEN ALL ELSE FALLS AWAY. I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN BE ALONE WITH YOURSELF, AND IF YOU TRULY LIKE THE COMPANY YOU KEEP IN THE EMPTY MOMENTS.
The Invitation – Oriah, Mountain Dreamer
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Another Meh Moment
Me…?
I have always been one to be interested in something I can not get, kind of like wishing you could hold the sun.
I am generally unappreciative of that which is given to me easily, Can’t say why though.
I have never had a problem getting things I felt is possible, and never had to struggle for them either, while I watch people try again and again to get them. People have flown pass the sky and on to the moon, If someone did it, So can I.
I am not one who has any trouble getting along with people, Nor am I afraid of being blunt with them.
I will not be the one to hold your hand and guide you to safety, because it’s in danger we live.
I have never been and will never be afraid of trying something new, growing old or dying along, or the fact that no one may miss me when I am gone. I am alive now, when the curtains close it all won’t matter.
I won’t tell someone I love them, Miss them or care for them if I don’t mean it. Even if I have known that person my whole life. I can’t even pretend I like someone I hate for the stake of anyone.
This is me, This is who I am, In all bluntness. Trying so hard not to get caught up in being someone else.
Why Am I saying this now? Its just something I needed to shout out.
What does it all mean? I have no clue.
What next? Well … That’s a secret.
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is playing the piano
I have always been one to be interested in something I can not get, kind of like wishing you could hold the sun.
I am generally unappreciative of that which is given to me easily, Can’t say why though.
I have never had a problem getting things I felt is possible, and never had to struggle for them either, while I watch people try again and again to get them. People have flown pass the sky and on to the moon, If someone did it, So can I.
I am not one who has any trouble getting along with people, Nor am I afraid of being blunt with them.
I will not be the one to hold your hand and guide you to safety, because it’s in danger we live.
I have never been and will never be afraid of trying something new, growing old or dying along, or the fact that no one may miss me when I am gone. I am alive now, when the curtains close it all won’t matter.
I won’t tell someone I love them, Miss them or care for them if I don’t mean it. Even if I have known that person my whole life. I can’t even pretend I like someone I hate for the stake of anyone.
This is me, This is who I am, In all bluntness. Trying so hard not to get caught up in being someone else.
Why Am I saying this now? Its just something I needed to shout out.
What does it all mean? I have no clue.
What next? Well … That’s a secret.
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is playing the piano
Monday, July 27, 2009
Aha
You told me the truth and yet, I got angry … Why did it hurt so much I don’t know…
The truth doesn’t hurt, especially for me, I’m not the type who cares about what people think.
Maybe it’s the reality of never going to be ……
But then again I’m not the type who is going to go and try or pretend to be something I am not just for acceptance ..
Case Closed….. But why am I still so upset?
That I will never know…
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet'cause
I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down toIs that no one's really got it figured out just yet'cause
I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is playing the piano
The truth doesn’t hurt, especially for me, I’m not the type who cares about what people think.
Maybe it’s the reality of never going to be ……
But then again I’m not the type who is going to go and try or pretend to be something I am not just for acceptance ..
Case Closed….. But why am I still so upset?
That I will never know…
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet'cause
I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down toIs that no one's really got it figured out just yet'cause
I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is playing the piano
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Here's to the Crazy Ones!
Someone recently told me that only crazy people put themselves in messed up situations…well its true, what else would make a person quit the security of their job and go chasing after a silhouette of a dream. Take on challenges when there is no hope of succeeding. Walk deep into a forest full of unknown dangers…. But these are also the same people who reached past the sky and on to the moon.
The problem with us now a days, is that we think too much, we rely so much on facts and figures that our pure instincts are so out of tune. All those what if’s or should I's... but never really taking a step… We even fear being happy, doing something we like… which leads me to ask, who are the crazy ones?
The people in the world who we are being called crazy for what they are doing are succeeding in life, and then there are those who society classifies as normal, those hiding within security, but are not succeeding not even being alive.
Maybe its hard for us to fight against the limitations of being human? I don’t know, But I am willing to risk looking like a fool for my dreams, for the adventure of being alive… I am willing to disappoint another to be true to myself… and I can be alone with myself and truly enjoy the company I keep in the empty moments…. So here’s to being crazy… because I am crazy enough to think that the world can change…
Here's to the Crazy Ones!
The misfits, The rebels, The troublemakers, The round pegs in the square holes, The ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of rules, And they have no respect for the status quo.
You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can't do is ignore them, Because they change things.
They invent, They imagine, They heal, They explore, They create, They inspire, They push the human race forward.
Maybe they have to be crazy.
How else can you stare at an empty canvas & see a work of art?
Or, sit in silence & hear a song that's never been written?
Or, gaze at a red planet & see a laboratory on wheels?
We make tools for these kinds of people.
While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.
"Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
- - Apple computers (Think Different)
The problem with us now a days, is that we think too much, we rely so much on facts and figures that our pure instincts are so out of tune. All those what if’s or should I's... but never really taking a step… We even fear being happy, doing something we like… which leads me to ask, who are the crazy ones?
The people in the world who we are being called crazy for what they are doing are succeeding in life, and then there are those who society classifies as normal, those hiding within security, but are not succeeding not even being alive.
Maybe its hard for us to fight against the limitations of being human? I don’t know, But I am willing to risk looking like a fool for my dreams, for the adventure of being alive… I am willing to disappoint another to be true to myself… and I can be alone with myself and truly enjoy the company I keep in the empty moments…. So here’s to being crazy… because I am crazy enough to think that the world can change…
Here's to the Crazy Ones!
The misfits, The rebels, The troublemakers, The round pegs in the square holes, The ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of rules, And they have no respect for the status quo.
You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can't do is ignore them, Because they change things.
They invent, They imagine, They heal, They explore, They create, They inspire, They push the human race forward.
Maybe they have to be crazy.
How else can you stare at an empty canvas & see a work of art?
Or, sit in silence & hear a song that's never been written?
Or, gaze at a red planet & see a laboratory on wheels?
We make tools for these kinds of people.
While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.
"Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
- - Apple computers (Think Different)
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Stuck in a fictionated reality
Truth be told I've tried my best, But somewhere along the way, I got caught up in all there was to offer ….And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...I have sunk so low!I messed up….Better I should know…So don't come round here, And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent, Love was raw and young, We believed that we could change ourselves, The past could be undone, But we carry on our backs the burden, Time always reveals, In the lonely light of morning, In the wound that would not heal, It's the bitter taste of losing everything…..that I've held so dear.
Though I've tried, I've fallen...I have sunk so low!I messed up….Better I should know…So don't come round here, And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bend to take my hand, Nowhere left to turn..I'm lost to those I thought were friends, To everyone I knowOh they turn their heads embarrassed, Pretend that they don't see…But it's one missed step, One slip before you know it, And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...I have sunk so low!I messed up….Better I should know…So don't come round here, And tell me I told you so...
There are some people in need of a huge reality check, I am one of them. But the thing is I don’t like the reality I see, so instead I choose to ignore it… I seem to have put myself in a fictionated reality But…
Fact is… most of us really don’t understand ourselves… Fact is …. We often choose to stay the same because we are scared of change and we are scared of what happiness may bring, Fact is ….there will always be obstacles in our way, Fact is.. it is never easy to take a decision when you don’t know what it is you want, Fact is… not everybody has what it takes…. So why does it hurt when we hear other people telling us this?
I went ahead and made stupid choices …. But I can’t regret anything because it would have been all for nothing then….. I’m stuck…. But just for now, until I can figure out the exit to the tunnel. .. I need to shift my mind from fiction mode to fact mode.
Though I've tried, I've fallen...I have sunk so low!I messed up….Better I should know…So don't come round here, And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent, Love was raw and young, We believed that we could change ourselves, The past could be undone, But we carry on our backs the burden, Time always reveals, In the lonely light of morning, In the wound that would not heal, It's the bitter taste of losing everything…..that I've held so dear.
Though I've tried, I've fallen...I have sunk so low!I messed up….Better I should know…So don't come round here, And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bend to take my hand, Nowhere left to turn..I'm lost to those I thought were friends, To everyone I knowOh they turn their heads embarrassed, Pretend that they don't see…But it's one missed step, One slip before you know it, And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...I have sunk so low!I messed up….Better I should know…So don't come round here, And tell me I told you so...
There are some people in need of a huge reality check, I am one of them. But the thing is I don’t like the reality I see, so instead I choose to ignore it… I seem to have put myself in a fictionated reality But…
Fact is… most of us really don’t understand ourselves… Fact is …. We often choose to stay the same because we are scared of change and we are scared of what happiness may bring, Fact is ….there will always be obstacles in our way, Fact is.. it is never easy to take a decision when you don’t know what it is you want, Fact is… not everybody has what it takes…. So why does it hurt when we hear other people telling us this?
I went ahead and made stupid choices …. But I can’t regret anything because it would have been all for nothing then….. I’m stuck…. But just for now, until I can figure out the exit to the tunnel. .. I need to shift my mind from fiction mode to fact mode.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
18/06/2009
To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Human
Because I am human….
I need to be told how to Live for now. From all of the years that have come to pass, and all the years that will be, Before me I can only see right now, and it is in this moment that I am living in. Seeing, feeling and experiencing now!
I need to be shown how to be happy, during the most painful moments that life has thrown at me. To smile, when I feel like my heart is about to explode. To recover, when deep in depression.
I need to be held when I am broken, damaged at best. Shown past the disguise, to however deep it goes. Standing there with my true colors, to be looked at with truthful eyes, and be told that I have been perfect from the start.
But because I am human, I have people that have done the above for me.
Friends, Funny little creatures they are. People who you are able to share your life with. People who aren’t blood related. People who can surprisingly except you for who you are.
Just on a random note, why can’t 11 be read as onety one?
I need to be told how to Live for now. From all of the years that have come to pass, and all the years that will be, Before me I can only see right now, and it is in this moment that I am living in. Seeing, feeling and experiencing now!
I need to be shown how to be happy, during the most painful moments that life has thrown at me. To smile, when I feel like my heart is about to explode. To recover, when deep in depression.
I need to be held when I am broken, damaged at best. Shown past the disguise, to however deep it goes. Standing there with my true colors, to be looked at with truthful eyes, and be told that I have been perfect from the start.
But because I am human, I have people that have done the above for me.
Friends, Funny little creatures they are. People who you are able to share your life with. People who aren’t blood related. People who can surprisingly except you for who you are.
Just on a random note, why can’t 11 be read as onety one?
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I didn’t get the MC VP position but at least I found my shoes!! =)
Finally something to blog about!
As the title says, I didn’t get the MC position I was applying for! A lot of effort and waiting put in to the application/application process. But all was not wasted! I did learn how to make better power point presentations, among many other things.
People are now going to ask me how I am feeling, well a little sad, a little angry and a lot confused. That is expected, I’m only human. But the good thing about being human is that your doing fine, and if your not you will be.
People are going to tell me that this is not what I really wanted, for now I can say that I wanted this badly otherwise I wouldn’t have put so much effort into this. They are also going to tell me that other better things are going to come along, which is true, thought I might only notice it when it smacks me on the forehead in the near or distance future, but it will be there.
In short I’m fine, and if I’m not I will be. Some how, Any how. I will manage. Even if I am confused now. But hey there is good new in not getting the MC position! I found my black work shoes that where missing for like 2 months!!! Which I found because I was searching for my boxing gloves (which I didn’t find!) So Yay I don’t have to spent BD 20 anymore on buying new work shoes, and trust me that is something to be happy about!!!! I guess I really am a woman if shoes can make me this happy!
PS – Sarah Yousif, Hamad Tahar & Romeo Man I Know your going to rock AIESEC Bahrain next year!! Your too amazing not too!
As the title says, I didn’t get the MC position I was applying for! A lot of effort and waiting put in to the application/application process. But all was not wasted! I did learn how to make better power point presentations, among many other things.
People are now going to ask me how I am feeling, well a little sad, a little angry and a lot confused. That is expected, I’m only human. But the good thing about being human is that your doing fine, and if your not you will be.
People are going to tell me that this is not what I really wanted, for now I can say that I wanted this badly otherwise I wouldn’t have put so much effort into this. They are also going to tell me that other better things are going to come along, which is true, thought I might only notice it when it smacks me on the forehead in the near or distance future, but it will be there.
In short I’m fine, and if I’m not I will be. Some how, Any how. I will manage. Even if I am confused now. But hey there is good new in not getting the MC position! I found my black work shoes that where missing for like 2 months!!! Which I found because I was searching for my boxing gloves (which I didn’t find!) So Yay I don’t have to spent BD 20 anymore on buying new work shoes, and trust me that is something to be happy about!!!! I guess I really am a woman if shoes can make me this happy!
PS – Sarah Yousif, Hamad Tahar & Romeo Man I Know your going to rock AIESEC Bahrain next year!! Your too amazing not too!
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