Questions

I am normally not to good about talking about things or explaining them very well. Been having a rollercoaster trend in life right now, and I guess I wanted to get some help with it.

You see, I cant really say I am sad, or depressed, but I cant truly say that I am happy either.

Why? Can I pin point the exact thing that makes me sad or shall I say “doesn’t make me completely happy”, not really.
I know we live in a imperfect world and are surrounded by imperfect things, and that we ourselves are imperfect, but I wonder, am I suppose to settle for imperfect happiness because of that?

My world kind of seems like a bucket of white paint, that has a thin, slow and steady line of black paint being added to it over time, making me view the world with grey impure eyes, as if I am always in the twilight.
What does it mean to truly be happy?

I don’t understand, and that’s why I search for it, that’s why I wake up and do the things I need to do, and that why I try to improve myself, and I really do try so damn hard.

But what if all I do just goes about bring a negative impact for myself? and what if the stories and experience I can share with others brings about tears, rather than smiles? What if I end up adding some black paint into someone’s pure white paint? What if I become completely black in my search for true happiness? What if I never truly smile from the bottom of my heart or make someone else smile from the bottom of their heart?

Questions I keep asking myself that make me sadder ...

Back to Basics – Part 2

So this time its for real, I am really back to basics.

My Blackberry broke, and I am without connectivity, I do not plan to repair it, nor do I plan to replace it. I am actually happy with my simple china made phone that cant do much but call from (Heck I can’t even change the ring tone).

Now what? Let me just tell you, as easy as it is thought to be, readjusting from once using a sort of smart phone to not being able to use one is tougher than it seems.

I know that I do have option of going out and getting one, but I am trying my best not too, Why, because there are things you learn by not being connected.

1) I did learn that I was being very irresponsible at work by being on my phone all the time, I was just hitting my deadlines, but that’s not good enough at all, That’s like giving everything an average performance, while you except everyone (or thing) to give you an excellent performance. The world just doesn’t work like that.

2) I realized that I was being more available to others and not available to myself, and I was more tempted to go out and have fun, instead of staying in and doing something more productive, I was always pushing my problems a side to listen to others problems.

3) I spent more time reading garage than reading anything useful, The same messages with different wording, sent day in and day out, there was a time when I would come back home from work and take a book of my bookshelf’s and read, then Smartphones came into action, and the only reading I have been doing was from emails, messages, facebook and twitter.

4) I lost contact with people who did not have any sort of Smartphone, because it was too out of the way to make an effort to contact. And I wasted my time with the wrong people, people who haven’t been in contact with me every since my blackberry broke, people who I cared a lot for, but I know would not call me to check on me ever.

If I be really honest these aren’t big changes at all, but a lot of small changes can always lead to one big change, and right now I am just trying to be the best person I can be with my own abilities, and if I find even the slightest negative influence, and thing or person taking me in the wrong direction, I wont hesitate to cut them out.

I walk alone

They often say that a problem shared is half the trouble. We all tend to live our lives, walking hand in hand, lending our strength and also sharing someone else’s strength.

But here is what I am saying, no matter what, no matter how painful, no matter how lonely, I choose and will walk alone.

For  awhile, at least until I am able to walk on my own two feet without anyone’s help, and until I learn to fly.

Until then I will walk alone. (Or fly alone).

I'm looking to the sky to save me, Looking for a sign of life

Looking for something to help me burn out bright, I'm looking for a complication

Looking cause I'm tired of trying, Make my way back home when I learn to fly high

Make my way back home when I learn to. .  

 Foo Fighters – learn to fly 

Flash Back

It all started with words “Do you trust me” it was enough to let me forget all the fears I have had at that point of time. How often is it that we can find safety in the eyes of someone you barely know? Someone who isn’t a friend and yet who isn’t a stranger.

I would say from personal experience that not so often, and there you where. Standing in front of me, when you had the world to choose from, asking me to trust you. How could I not feel safe in your arms?

Many years have passed since then, and I have met many people during those years, I have established trusting friendships and relationships that I can fall back on. I have a steady career path since then and safety and comfort in life.

And yet sometimes, when I close my eyes, I still see you standing there with an out stretched arm asking me to trust you. 

Back to the future

Silhouettes dance for me on the walls of my hotel room, they tell me stories about “what if?” and the endless possible endings.

Reminiscing about the past as I lay on my bed, I think of the days when all I needed to go out and have a good time was 300 fils (which is less than a dollar). It was enough for a can of coke, a pack of crisp and a phone call to get a ride home.

It was in those days that we held our heads high and proud, because of the many mistakes we have made, and the innocence of just not knowing better, that accompanied us where ever we went.

And as we walked down the streets of our favorite hangouts, little did we know that those where the days that we decided who and what we are and will be in the many years to come.

And because of that we will walk like Kings and Queens, with pride in ourselves for the rest of our lives, But only if we remember to, and not youthfully disregard our past and the many decisions we had made in the previous years to defined us to our very core.

It makes me realize of the lies put forwards my silhouettes, about the endless possibilities of maybe. How defined would we be if we kept playing on a maybe? And didn’t we already decide that we are going to be happy?

Circles & Chances

Truth be told, I was having a rough day yesterday, but it was nothing that couldn’t be fixed, My final thoughts for the night where circles and chances.

A friend once told me something that roughly translate to this: " if you have a problem, or if you have something you want to achieve (New House, Car, Amazing Job, etc, etc) you need to create a circle of influence."

A circle of influence is made of people (Friends or strangers) that can actually help you achieve what needs to be achieved. The theory is that you talk about what you want to achieve to the correct people that can help you make it happen.

It’s kind of like for example, You wanting a new job. How are people going to know that you are looking for a new job if you did not tell them? You would be missing out on the many opportunities that could have presented it’s self to you because no one knows that you are looking for a new job.

Going back to what I was saying earlier, If there is something I want or need, I should have a circle of influence to help with me it, and for the past couple of years I have spent a bit of time building up circle of influences for different things in my life, and I have come to realize 2 things (well maybe more, but there is only 2 I want to talk about)

This first thing is, Not everyone you know and meet belong in your circle of influence. What I mean by this is that, Sometimes the people you love the most in life are not good for your circle of influence and sometimes the strangers you meet in a random shop could be the ones to help you achieve what you have been trying to achieve. Why? Well that’s something you have to sit and figure out yourselves.

And the second thing, At the end of the day it all comes down to individual creativity and the chances that you are able to make the most of. The failure to express how your mind works at the right given opportunity is a clear failure to yourself representation and what you want to achieve.

It’s safe to say that the reason why some things have been working out for me, is because I am surrounded by the correct people I need to be surrounded by. In all fairness to them they are amazing, and I am glad to know them.

"In my dream, the angel shrugged and said, if we fail this time, it will be a failure of imagination and then she placed the world gently in the palm of my hand." — Brian Andreas

again

Again, I can’t help but mention that I am far from it and I know it. In fact I think by now you know it as well.

This time I was so close, and now I am yet again so close to nothingness.

Months and months of crafting the perfect balance, only to be broken in 5 minutes.

I know what you would say to me, start over again, if you keep learning what not to do, you will eventually learn what you should be doing.

But right now I can’t, I just can’t.

And Again I ask you, why is that we cry without know what exactly we are crying about?


“ Little angel go away, Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today, I'll never hear a word you say
Promised I would find a little solace, And some peace of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so …Desperate and ravenous, So weak and powerless - Perfect Circle “

Until I am Fine

Been trying for the past hour to actually write down how I am feeling right about now, and all I have is the below lyrics. I wish I could fade away until I am fine.

I don’t want to fight anymore, or assure anyone that everything will be better. I don’t want to decided, or deal with confusion, mine or others. I don’t want to go past tomorrow. Today is the maximum I can do. I don’t want to push for greatness, mine or others, simple is what I can handle right now. I don’t want to lose or win. I just want to nothing everthing.

So tired I think I may actually fall asleep today.

" Don't ask me if I'm hungry, I'm not sick
Something’s tearing me apart, Brick by brick
And I feel guilty as I sigh, I'm feeling guilty, Why do I?
Take your hands out of mine
Take a rope and tie these thoughts of mine down
Until I'm fine
Cracked this morning worse and sad
Or have I already told you that
Forget my plans to grow a vine
You weren't dressed to burn these thoughts of mine
Until I'm fine - K's Choice"

Silent Night

Close to 5 am in the morning, and I am sleepless in Bahrain! I hear the birds chirping outside, they must all be ready to wake up, and yet I don’t seem ready go to sleep.

Been sick for the past few days, getting better and also getting worst. Antibiotics seem to be a bit too strong for me, They make me want to throw up. But Alas I can breathe again without any worries. This also could be the reason for me not being able to sleep.

There is something about the silent night that makes you think about the sad truth of life (or shall I say my life as thoughts will change according to people)

Here is what I have learnt tonight,

They don’t teach you everything you need to know about life at school, they seem to have forgotten the important bits.

Not everything is black and white, after awhile everything seems to turn to grey and your left in the confusion of all this grayness.

What cures you for one thing could make you sick with another thing.

When love is involved everything else becomes so worthless and when it dies everything else still remains worthless.

Unfortunately sometimes we must do wrong things, even if we are not proud of them or hated for it, it has to been done, and that’s just the way things work.

That not choosing is the laziest choice you can ever make, because it entitles others to choose for you, thus giving you the option to blame someone else if anything goes wrong in your life.

You cannot sacrifice yourself for someone you love, because you don’t realize how much pain you will be forcing on to them, especially if they see you hurting because of that.

5.14 am, I really need to fall asleep otherwise I will miss the rest of my weekend!

“I may be dumb but, I'm not stupid ...Trying to make this work by Rihanna - Stupid in love”

meh

I have recently discovered that I am too technologically advance for my liking, that I am too connected and in tune with what’s going on around me, and That things rarely can surprise me these days.

I don’t like it. You know the whole being available to people whenever, wherever, mainly because I’m not.

I miss the paper notes and letters from friends, or the late night calls from the house phone, or the meeting spot that everyone would automatically go to meet everyone.

So I have decided to go on a mini technology fast. I have started by not signing on to facebook and switching off blackberry messenger. I am not sure what it will grow in to or how long I will last, but I know that taking a step back is my way of moving forward. I know it wouldn’t get back the small childish things that I used like, but going back to the days when you physically used to hang out with friends rather that have a relationship with a mobile portable equipment is kind of what I want to achieve.

And if you are wondering how my notes are getting published without me signing on to facebook, my blog automatically updates my facebook notes whenever I have a new post.

My stand

I am beginning to think that the world has problems with individualism! With people who are capable of just being them selves.

Everybody has categories and labels, and if you don’t fit into one then earth will spin out of order, fly into the sun, destroy that ball of burning flames, and then we will all dehydrate to death because there will be no more water…. unless we move to the moon or mars???

Did you guys ever consider that being unique is also a category “SLASH” a label? I mean sure us unique people don’t seem to have anything in common, but duh it is maybe because we are unique!

I really want to be free to choose who I want to be, where I want to be, with whom I want to be with, How I would like to be with them, etc, etc, and if you have a problem with it is fine, because what others think of me is not my problem, it’s theirs.

I am not a pervert! I am a super pervert! – Jiraiya (Naruto)

Fighter

I think for the past few months, I have spent a lot of time just fighting, But what is it that I fight for?

I fight for pride, respect, and for my rights.

I fight because I think I am worth it, I fight because think I am not.

I fight for you even though you do not see it, even when you don’t fight for me.

I fight because I want to become stronger and people I have people I want to protect.

I fight for Dreams, smiles, tears, and pain, mine and yours.

But most of all I fight because I feel so dead otherwise, because the things you are passionate about are the things worth fighting for, and without them the world just seems to be so empty.


“Thought I would forget but I, I remember! I Remember!
Makes me that much stronger, Makes me work a little bit harder, Makes me that much wiser thanks for making me a fighter!”

Desperately

What we want is not what we are meant to have, Basic rule of life that I have been over and over again. I always want what I can’t have and I always need what I don’t want.

The thing is I know that you are so wrong, and that I should stay away, but yet I can’t help wanting you. So what do I do now? How far will I need to be running this time? I don’t not know, but I am running.



“ why can’t ignore it? I keep giving in, But I should know better, cause there was something about the way you looked at me, and its strange that things change, but not me wanting you so desperately”

Where do we do from here?

In need of a drastic change! I think everyone around me is in need of one( on a side note Tima Piercing your left ear’s cartilage is not what classifies as a drastic change!). Depression is in the air, should we just blame it on the weather? I don’t know, but what I do know, is that things will get better, It always does. In fact I think that I am feeling a lot better this week as compared to last week, though I still have the major question unanswered. “What’s Next?”

I have

3 Years of Education in Banking & Finance
3 Years of AIESEC Experience in Branding, Project Management, Team Management, Communication, Talent Management & External Relation
2 and a Half Years of Work Experience in a Call Centre
2 Years of Work Experience in Insurance

Which makes me pretty diverse, But really, what comes after all this? What am I going to do next? It seems to be a constant process of deciding for the rest of our lives.

I think for now I will just go ahead with doing what I like to do best, it seems to be the only way around. It maybe seen as slacking of, but I think I find a lot of comfort in the moment of now.

" Where do we go from here?
The battle's done, and we kind of won, So we sound our victory che -er.
Where do we go from here?
Why is the path unclear? When we know home is near? Understand we'll go hand-in-hand, But we'll walk alone in fear. Tell me!
Where do we go from here? "

Apology

I seem to have said the wrong thing at the wrong time, Or Maybe the truth at the wrong time.

The truth was my own and only applied to myself, I didn’t realize the damage until it was done.

When the glass is about to break you shouldn’t be the one that throws the rock that actually breaks it, because the glass pieces are too sharp to pick up and fix again.

And here we are standing in the middle of all of this broken glass, one slight move could and we could end up getting hurt, but we will never be able to move on without walking through all of this broken glass. There isn’t anything to protect us from it.

For that I am sorry we have to go through this together, when I was the one the threw the stone.



Truth is a whisper and only a choice, Nobody hears above this noise
Always a risk when you try and believe, I know there's so much more than me

Yeah I got caught in the ruse of the world, It's just a promise no one ever keeps
And now it's changing while we sleep, And no one can see

You know all I am, Feel this moment in you
You know all I am, Can you teach me to believe in something

Against the Hourglass

Time’s almost up, as I am yet again reaching another do or die moment in my life. Struggling against my fight against the hour glass, the pressure is on, and no one can help me, In the end it has to be me that decides.

However deciding hasn’t been one of my strongest points, and the result of all those, late night cups of coffee, walks up and down in the dark empty rooms of midnight, and the many disturbing sleep visions that haunt me every night; is just more panic and pressure.

The problem with you telling me that I can be whatever I want, is that the possibilities are endless, and the problem with them telling me all that I can’t be, is me craving for it.

And what’s worst than me admitting that I am no were close to understanding myself, is the screams from my reflection in the mirror. She tells me that even though we do look the same, she can barely recognize me anymore, and here I am suppose to decide….

It’s time for me to decide who I am going to be tomorrow… and the hour glass is almost empty, will I make that decision on time?

Try - part 2

The world is against you, they watch your every move.. waiting for you to fall… and all I have been doing is falling.
Falling…. It’s so easy to fall. To just let go of everything and say I am incapable, however what’s more important is what we do after we fall.
Should I lay down flat in the dirt.. or do I recognize that this is not where I should be and get up.

For now I am lying flat down face in the dirt, blindly not recognizing that this is not where I should be.
But tomorrow is a different day.

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

Another MEH moment

I would like to think that not hearing from you for all time is completely fine, and that I really don’t miss you at all, and that I am way past the point of caring… but that not true is it? I might be the most pathetic person to be constantly making up excuses on your behalf, or silently cringing at messages sent from others because they aren’t from you…It’s not that you have any importance in my life these days, but I still miss you…

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

(I miss you, miss you)
(I miss you, miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)

My 50

This post is kind of a contribution, from 2 of my friends. The first one asked me to write down 50 things I want to do in my life, I thought about it, and had come up with the below, Then I sent it to another friend of mine to ask if there was anything on my list that he could help me with... He replied back and I just couldn't help putthing his reply on my blog... enjoy folks! I just love him so much!

1. To be able to instantly focus and not procrastinate when work is given to me hehe when u do let me know how u did it
2. To Write a book write a page each day
3. To paint on the biggest canvas I can buy in Bahrain does walls count as canvas we can do it early in the morning when no ones looking
4. To Visit Japan me too , ok if anyone of us gets to go will take the other along
5. To Visit Australia hmm we will go on the way to japan
6. To Visit Canada good choice
7. To Visit Philippines dont hav to visit AMA uni
8. To Visit UK can help whenever u want we can plan it together
9. To Visit Netherland hmm we hav to see
10. To Visit USA its not worth it check the new rules we are one of the 14 countries to be searched by pading
11. To Visit Jordan didnt u do it already
12. To lose weight just walk everyday and cut down on junk food. dont stop but cut down
13. To run a marathon ur on ur own i can harrdly run to the bathroom
14. To facilitate a life changing session thats easy invite some friends over take a knife put it on kats neck then take it off there u saved her life
15. To be more organized hmm buy a digital organizer or use outlook to organize
16. To re-decorate my room buy a new desklamp =p
17. To improve my relationship with my family nod and agree to everything they say it works for me
18. To always see the positive of things hmm cant help here
19. To further my education me too
20. To write 100 posts in my blog ur getting there
21. To gain 2,000 visitors in my blog pay ppl to visit ur blog
22. To earn a salary of BD 2,000 before the age of 40 i see u getting more than that
23. To get my motorbike license lets concentrate on ur car skills first ;)
24. To own my dream car how can u own ur dream car and its in ur dream silly girl dreams are not real
25. To own my dream motorbike see 24
26. To redecorate my room go back to 16
27. To Have my own personal library in my home take a book from each of ur friends
28. To watch someone turn their life around and be told it is because of me u already did that
29. To own all the books that Brain Andreas has published! i dont think he has every book he published
30. To inspire people with words. u do that on a daily basis already
31. To never believe that life is harsh and reality is bad. get in line
32. To be on time always. take less bathroom breaks
33. To always be responsible and reasonable that time will cure
34. To Improve my photoshop skills keep practicing
35. To learn to master a new computer software every 6 months be more realistic no one can , do one per year
36. To buy a house… and work hard to make it a home good luck i am trying
37. To organize and be apart of a children’s reading group go do it
38. To be self confident always u have to fell good about urself first
39. To Try something new when ever the opportunity is presented just say yes
40. To always be true to myself
41. To always help when people need it u always do that
42. To pay forward all the help I go in my life see 41
43. To be well respected more than now?
44. To go bungee jumping we will go together
45. To go sky diving see 44
46. To go scuba diving we will go when i come to bahrain
47. To own a horse why they stink believe me
48. To always wake up and feel like the luckiest person alive u should
49. To help someone build a home sorry dear we can help decorate it
50. To teach someone something I know a lot about u taught me things about life i didnt know

I am Thinking maybe I need to re-look at my list and make some adjustments

Better days

And you asked me what I want this year
and I try to make this kind and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

- Goo Goo Dolls

Here’s to the first post of 2010. I really could not think of what else I wanted to add about the new year, except lets just make sure that we have more good days than bad.

Cheers to the Laughter, Sadness, Excitement, disappointment, Frustration, Amusement, Fulfillment, Joy, Loneliness and Insecurity of 2010…