Circle

“A circle is the reflection of eternity. It has no beginning and it has no end - and if you put several circles over each other, then you get a spiral. - Maynard James Keenan”

I have always been a circle type person. For me, they simply represent wholeness. Be it the completion of a cycle, the completion of a person or maybe completion in general. And the most beautiful part after completion is that you get start again, not the same circle but a new one.

If we sit down and reflect for a minute, and pile those invisible circles we have completed; the good ones as well as the bad ones; how high would our towers be? Are there any circles that you should be letting go off but you just can’t? Of course there are. It isn’t easy to let go of the flow of control, or to accept that this will be the end of something ever so precious, or even understand that this is what is meant to happen. I know. I myself have shed many tears about it.

 A while ago I something stupid. I am sure we all have at a certain point in our life. And I assure this wasn’t the first stupid thing I have done nor would it be the last. To put it in simpler terms, I held on to my own personal growth out of fear. I stopped myself from reaching my first step of completion because I was so scared that after the process I would still not be good enough. Sounds vague, and yet relatable doesn’t it?

I kept giving up. Whenever I was so close, whenever I was doing well, fear would come to play and assist me with giving up. It became routine that I actually felt comfortable being incomplete until my good old friend Life came knocking on my door with a bunch of reality checks. You see because I was stopping my personal growth from happening, I was indirectly killing my relationships, my career, and my future. And the fear of not being good enough eventually tracked me down to the point were, a) I really was not good enough and b) I could only use the excuse “it is because I gave up”.

For me, for a while that tower of circles never got built, because I never let anything come to wholeness. At most, all the circles in my life ended up grouping together to form chains around me keeping me down. But it wasn’t the end of the world.  All I needed to do was complete them one at a time. Sounds easy right? Let me reaffirm that it is that easy actually, and things are much better. While I do have some days where I feel that I am still not good enough, there have been days that I can stand my ground. All I have to remember is, it’s ok to handle this one circle at a time, it’s ok to let go and that all good and bad things come to an end.

Back to Basics – Part 2

So this time its for real, I am really back to basics.

My Blackberry broke, and I am without connectivity, I do not plan to repair it, nor do I plan to replace it. I am actually happy with my simple china made phone that cant do much but call from (Heck I can’t even change the ring tone).

Now what? Let me just tell you, as easy as it is thought to be, readjusting from once using a sort of smart phone to not being able to use one is tougher than it seems.

I know that I do have option of going out and getting one, but I am trying my best not too, Why, because there are things you learn by not being connected.

1) I did learn that I was being very irresponsible at work by being on my phone all the time, I was just hitting my deadlines, but that’s not good enough at all, That’s like giving everything an average performance, while you except everyone (or thing) to give you an excellent performance. The world just doesn’t work like that.

2) I realized that I was being more available to others and not available to myself, and I was more tempted to go out and have fun, instead of staying in and doing something more productive, I was always pushing my problems a side to listen to others problems.

3) I spent more time reading garage than reading anything useful, The same messages with different wording, sent day in and day out, there was a time when I would come back home from work and take a book of my bookshelf’s and read, then Smartphones came into action, and the only reading I have been doing was from emails, messages, facebook and twitter.

4) I lost contact with people who did not have any sort of Smartphone, because it was too out of the way to make an effort to contact. And I wasted my time with the wrong people, people who haven’t been in contact with me every since my blackberry broke, people who I cared a lot for, but I know would not call me to check on me ever.

If I be really honest these aren’t big changes at all, but a lot of small changes can always lead to one big change, and right now I am just trying to be the best person I can be with my own abilities, and if I find even the slightest negative influence, and thing or person taking me in the wrong direction, I wont hesitate to cut them out.