You see, I cant really say I am sad, or depressed, but I cant truly say that I am happy either.
Why? Can I pin point the exact thing that makes me sad or shall I say “doesn’t make me completely happy”, not really.
I know we live in a imperfect world and are surrounded by imperfect things, and that we ourselves are imperfect, but I wonder, am I suppose to settle for imperfect happiness because of that?
My world kind of seems like a bucket of white paint, that has a thin, slow and steady line of black paint being added to it over time, making me view the world with grey impure eyes, as if I am always in the twilight.
What does it mean to truly be happy?
I don’t understand, and that’s why I search for it, that’s why I wake up and do the things I need to do, and that why I try to improve myself, and I really do try so damn hard.
But what if all I do just goes about bring a negative impact for myself? and what if the stories and experience I can share with others brings about tears, rather than smiles? What if I end up adding some black paint into someone’s pure white paint? What if I become completely black in my search for true happiness? What if I never truly smile from the bottom of my heart or make someone else smile from the bottom of their heart?
Questions I keep asking myself that make me sadder ...
10 comments:
I've suffered from depression for most of my life and I can tell you that it is possible to climb out of the hole. It doesn't sound like you've fallen in the depression hole yet, but I sense your fear of doing so. Anyway, I've been in remission from depression for a over a year now. I owe a lot of it to heavy drugs and lots of therapy. It was worth every moment and every penny.
Even in my darkest moments I always knew that there would be a time when I felt normal again. I've been able to reach that point and I'm sure you'll find your normalcy, too.
Keep your head up!
I am a poet, and I remember when my best friend commented to me that it was time I wrote something "dark." I resisted, being happy go lucky I had no idea I could write something dark nor did I want to at the time.
The moment came when I tapped into that side of myself, and I realized it didn't make me unpappier doing so. I just expressed thoughts I had at certain points of my life. Maybe I was just a little bit blocked.
Now I am a master at dark poetry, and have some of my work has been compared to the late great Silvia Plath. I am still the same as I was, yet wiser and now I understand no one is entirely black or white all the time. Sometimes we exist in technicolor, other times in shades of gray.
So, write what you feel and from your heart. Moving people is a gift.
i've been there, and you know what? it's normal i guess, all of my friends have the same problems, but they manage to go through it, well, i guess it's all up to you to get through it. ;D
*hugs* depression is a rough thing to go be going through.. like everything around you is tainted by a shade of grey that can't seem to lift. I know what that's like... Happiness is when the shade is lifted and light peaks through.
I'm doing much better now and for the past year. I wish all of you the best of happy moments. I know they can't all be happy, but enjoy those moments that are. Take care, everyone.
Just keep searching, look within, perfection is all based on perception, there is no way of really gauging it, every person sees it differently. We all have dark sides as well and pushing it away and trying to hide it splits us in too, meditate and ask your dark self to appear and let it know that you love it and respect it as much as your light self and on a daily basis let it out through positive venues like writing, exercise or meditation. You'll feel more complete on that aspect as a person and you'll start seeing life and the outside world in a more peaceful manner. It starts within, working it's way out. I just say try to understand yourself more and you'll be happier.
Two not too. haha.
If we were all happy all thevtime, we'd be insane right. Things happen everyday to everyone that doesn't make them happy. An asshole cuts youboff in traffic. Your grandma is dying or you're sick yourself. Not happy things but you can still find joy if you want it. It is something that can be built up and there for you regardless the situation. Fortitude, joy, a different perspective, patience, whatever you want to call it, is there or can be developed through yoga, meditation, exercise. Becoming exquisitely aware of how you feel, emotionally and physically and making connections between people, situations, food. Food is such an important component of how we feel and people never make that connection. As soon as I stopped eating meat, my anxiety and fear all but disappeared. It was like a weight lifted I believe we eat the cow and pigs stress and fear that they emit being slaughtered. Do a juice cleanse. Add fennel to it. Helps endorphins better get in the bloodstream. Start with the basics. Get clean internally and go from there. Read Dr Jungers CLEAN. You just need a boost and some clarity. Good luck.
Keep your head up;but seriously, i thought that it was just me..These good people have tons of good advice,hopefully someone might say something that might help you to get where you need to be...What ever you do;don't give up...I will be praying for you.
I have been where you are. And today, my paint is white. It took going inside myself and changing my perspective on life.
I was sad and angry about the past and I was fearful of the future. The what-ifs had taken over my mind. But once I realized I had no control over the past or the future, only the here and now, I was able to change how I thought about my own life. My own path.
Ask yourself what you want. Ask yourself what you need. Ask yourself who you are. Just asking the questions and being okay with not having the answers is powerful.
The answers are within, friend. Daily meditation has given me peace and happiness, and now the paint color that I add is white.
White paint = love.
I love the paint analogy, btw. It's brilliant!
Post a Comment