You will never know what you are good at until you try, That’s true, but trying involves failing a lot, but then after failing a lot you begin to succeed. Sound so complicated this endless cycle of trying something new and failing in order to succeed.
Wouldn’t it be so much better if I could know what it is that I want to do in life? Because right now I Just don’t know, and I am just to tired to try! Not scared, just tired of going to the motions of trying something new and exciting, then failing at it or realizing that this is not what I want, then going back to square one and starting all over again. It takes time, and energy, and I feel like I can’t do it anymore.
But then you come along and remind me of why I was trying to hard to begin with… and All I can do it try...
However this time your not here to show me.....
All I know …Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives ….Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow …The fewer the seeds the more I sow
Then I see you standing there … Wanting more from me …And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there … Wanting more from me …And all I can do is try
I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness … And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life … I thought I had designed for me
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
What do you do when your scared?
What do you do when your scared?
Over more than a year ago I got “The Book of answers” as a birthday gift from some of my friends, Which sort of resembles the magic 8 ball. You can ask a question, then randomly open a page and get the answer for your question. I’m pretty sure they bought it for me as a fun/joke kind of thing, but what they don’t know is the extent to which I use that book. I don’t think anyone knows!
The questions of the day is what do you do when you're scared? (well one of the questions of the day)
I’m like any average person, I must admit that I do have my moments when I’m scared shitless, and I don’t mean scared about that cockroach running across the room or taking an injection shot. Just plain scared about life and the consequences of an action I have to take, or scared about doing something good for me because if I fail, I may not be able to pick myself up again or on the next level, the people in my life may not be able to fix me this time and I will continue existing forever broken.
So what do I do when I am in that state?
Well apart from procrastinating and silently suffering, Since the last year, I actually turn to my book of answers to help me take a decision. Now I know some people may be thinking how can I leave such decisions up to a silly little book or Why doesn’t she talk to a friend I’m sure that would be more sensible than leaving it up to a random flip of page right? Well that is completely true but, what I came to understand about myself is that I do have a strong belief that everything happens for a reason, and we are exactly where we need to be in life right now. However that strong belief tends to leave me in my time of making a decision as I often find myself re-flipping the pages of my book of answers to find the answer that I want to hear (Well in this case read), which means that I have already made the decision on what to do (all by myself might I add), but doing this little abnormal tradition somehow reassures me that everything will be ok.
As I usually flip past my first, second or third answer (In many cases fourth, fifth, sixth, etc) and get angry at what I am reading, usually I question or reason with the book. Why the book is telling me to do this? why not? But I really want to do this! Its not so bad, If I fail I wouldn’t lose much, etc. All questions/justifications I should of stopped to ask/tell myself in the first place. I could of saved a lot of time, But I guess as a fellow human, It would have be un-natural if I made things very easy and simple for myself, as we are complicated creatures.
But I do some what finally understand that no matter what, everything will be ok, and things always do get better instead of worst. I also understand that even when I am scared the most, I am able or I have already made the decision of what is best for me, and I am not leaving life up to chance.
But seriously, what does everybody else do when they are scared?
Over more than a year ago I got “The Book of answers” as a birthday gift from some of my friends, Which sort of resembles the magic 8 ball. You can ask a question, then randomly open a page and get the answer for your question. I’m pretty sure they bought it for me as a fun/joke kind of thing, but what they don’t know is the extent to which I use that book. I don’t think anyone knows!
The questions of the day is what do you do when you're scared? (well one of the questions of the day)
I’m like any average person, I must admit that I do have my moments when I’m scared shitless, and I don’t mean scared about that cockroach running across the room or taking an injection shot. Just plain scared about life and the consequences of an action I have to take, or scared about doing something good for me because if I fail, I may not be able to pick myself up again or on the next level, the people in my life may not be able to fix me this time and I will continue existing forever broken.
So what do I do when I am in that state?
Well apart from procrastinating and silently suffering, Since the last year, I actually turn to my book of answers to help me take a decision. Now I know some people may be thinking how can I leave such decisions up to a silly little book or Why doesn’t she talk to a friend I’m sure that would be more sensible than leaving it up to a random flip of page right? Well that is completely true but, what I came to understand about myself is that I do have a strong belief that everything happens for a reason, and we are exactly where we need to be in life right now. However that strong belief tends to leave me in my time of making a decision as I often find myself re-flipping the pages of my book of answers to find the answer that I want to hear (Well in this case read), which means that I have already made the decision on what to do (all by myself might I add), but doing this little abnormal tradition somehow reassures me that everything will be ok.
As I usually flip past my first, second or third answer (In many cases fourth, fifth, sixth, etc) and get angry at what I am reading, usually I question or reason with the book. Why the book is telling me to do this? why not? But I really want to do this! Its not so bad, If I fail I wouldn’t lose much, etc. All questions/justifications I should of stopped to ask/tell myself in the first place. I could of saved a lot of time, But I guess as a fellow human, It would have be un-natural if I made things very easy and simple for myself, as we are complicated creatures.
But I do some what finally understand that no matter what, everything will be ok, and things always do get better instead of worst. I also understand that even when I am scared the most, I am able or I have already made the decision of what is best for me, and I am not leaving life up to chance.
But seriously, what does everybody else do when they are scared?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Cravng - I only want what I can't have
But he did not understand the price. Mortals never do. They only see the prize. Their hearts desire, their dream....But the price of getting what you want is getting what you once wanted.
Craving! I only want what I can’t Have!!! And …. I only need what I don’t want. Many people might be able to say this, I however am stuck living like this, The only things in life that interest me are the ones I can’t have, and crave for them, I struggle and chase after them without a second thought to what it is doing to me. I want them so badly and I can’t give up wanting them.
But then again, I am not sure why I am complaining…. I do have a tendency of getting what I want, eventually, sooner or later , it does become mine.
When I left you, I flew
Did you fly too?
And nakedness befell my way
Only seen in light of day
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
And creativity, it soaks my soul
I asked not to be alone
You don't have to ask me for my hand
I already know where I stand
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
And consequences in the future
And feeling is now
And I can't feel the future
But I can be there for you now
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
Craving! I only want what I can’t Have!!! And …. I only need what I don’t want. Many people might be able to say this, I however am stuck living like this, The only things in life that interest me are the ones I can’t have, and crave for them, I struggle and chase after them without a second thought to what it is doing to me. I want them so badly and I can’t give up wanting them.
But then again, I am not sure why I am complaining…. I do have a tendency of getting what I want, eventually, sooner or later , it does become mine.
When I left you, I flew
Did you fly too?
And nakedness befell my way
Only seen in light of day
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
And creativity, it soaks my soul
I asked not to be alone
You don't have to ask me for my hand
I already know where I stand
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
And consequences in the future
And feeling is now
And I can't feel the future
But I can be there for you now
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
I only want what I can't have
I only need what I don't want
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Thinking out loud again.
Growing up, the hardest choices I had to make were , what crayon I want to color with? what to have for breakfast or what am I going to do for the weekend? (Mind you, I still have trouble deciding what I will be doing for the weekend). Life back then made a lot of sense. Everything felt so right. There was nothing we (or Shall I say I) could do wrong. There was no wrong choice.
I don’t know, It’s not like I am lost, sad or anything like that, I am just wondering what happened to my freedom of choice, Actually no! I am wondering when I stopped fighting for it. I watch many people around me give up! For them it’s the finish line, I hear them thinking, “If this is what society/family/friends me to do, I shall do it” and I see them just give in. I wonder if they have any ambitions or dreams, or how much I am willing to give up to make others happy.
I think about my own dreams, they sure as hell will disappoint mum and dad, and I am wondering how much should I really care. Should I honor them by becoming a mindless zombie (which also somehow will upset them as well), Or should I go for it, Leap up to the sky without ever looking down and hope to god that eventually they will understand.
This is me, This is now, and unfortunately like others I have managed to lock myself up in a box filled up with full of secrets. But not for long, Because I want to always and forever see the good things in life! Ps- If your wondering what inspired my above chain of thoughts read below.
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU ACHE FOR, AND IF YOU DARE TO DREAM OF MEETING YOUR HEART’S LONGING.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WILL RISK LOOKING LIKE A FOOL FOR LOVE, FOR YOUR DREAM, FOR THE ADVENTURE OF BEING ALIVE.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE CENTRE OF YOUR OWN SORROW, IF YOU HAVE BEEN OPENED BY LIFE’S BETRAYALS, OR HAVE BECOME SHRIVELLED AND CLOSED FROM FEAR OF FURTHER PAIN.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN SIT WITH PAIN - MINE OR YOUR OWN - WITHOUT MOVING TO HIDE IT, OR FADE IT, OR FIX IT.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN BE WITH JOY - MINE OR YOUR OWN; IF YOU CAN DANCE WITH WILDNESS, AND LET THE ECSTASY FILL YOU TO THE TIPS OF YOUR FINGERS AND TOES, WITHOUT CAUTIONING US TO BE CAREFUL, BE REALISTIC, TO REMEMBER THE LIMITATIONS OF BEING HUMAN.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN DISAPPOINT ANOTHER TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF: IF YOU CAN BEAR THE ACCUSATION OF BETRAYAL AND NOT BETRAY YOUR OWN SOUL: IF YOU CAN BE FAITHLESS AND THEREFORE TRUSTWORTHY.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN SEE BEAUTY, EVEN WHEN IT IS NOT PRETTY EVERY DAY, AND IF YOU CAN SOURCE YOUR LIFE FROM ITS’ PRESENCE. I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN LIVE WITH FAILURE, YOURS AND MINE, AND STILL STAND ON THE EDGE OF THE LAKE AND SHOUT TO THE SILVER OF THE FULL MOON, “YES!”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live, or how much money you have.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN GET UP AFTER THE NIGHT OF GRIEF AND DESPAIR, WEARY AND BRUISED TO THE BONE, AND DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE TO FEED THE CHILDREN.
It doesn’t interest me what you know, or why you came here.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WILL STAND IN THE CENTRE OF THE FIRE WITH ME, AND NOT SHRINK BACK.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SUSTAINS YOU FROM THE INSIDE, WHEN ALL ELSE FALLS AWAY. I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN BE ALONE WITH YOURSELF, AND IF YOU TRULY LIKE THE COMPANY YOU KEEP IN THE EMPTY MOMENTS.
The Invitation – Oriah, Mountain Dreamer
I don’t know, It’s not like I am lost, sad or anything like that, I am just wondering what happened to my freedom of choice, Actually no! I am wondering when I stopped fighting for it. I watch many people around me give up! For them it’s the finish line, I hear them thinking, “If this is what society/family/friends me to do, I shall do it” and I see them just give in. I wonder if they have any ambitions or dreams, or how much I am willing to give up to make others happy.
I think about my own dreams, they sure as hell will disappoint mum and dad, and I am wondering how much should I really care. Should I honor them by becoming a mindless zombie (which also somehow will upset them as well), Or should I go for it, Leap up to the sky without ever looking down and hope to god that eventually they will understand.
This is me, This is now, and unfortunately like others I have managed to lock myself up in a box filled up with full of secrets. But not for long, Because I want to always and forever see the good things in life! Ps- If your wondering what inspired my above chain of thoughts read below.
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU ACHE FOR, AND IF YOU DARE TO DREAM OF MEETING YOUR HEART’S LONGING.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WILL RISK LOOKING LIKE A FOOL FOR LOVE, FOR YOUR DREAM, FOR THE ADVENTURE OF BEING ALIVE.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE CENTRE OF YOUR OWN SORROW, IF YOU HAVE BEEN OPENED BY LIFE’S BETRAYALS, OR HAVE BECOME SHRIVELLED AND CLOSED FROM FEAR OF FURTHER PAIN.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN SIT WITH PAIN - MINE OR YOUR OWN - WITHOUT MOVING TO HIDE IT, OR FADE IT, OR FIX IT.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN BE WITH JOY - MINE OR YOUR OWN; IF YOU CAN DANCE WITH WILDNESS, AND LET THE ECSTASY FILL YOU TO THE TIPS OF YOUR FINGERS AND TOES, WITHOUT CAUTIONING US TO BE CAREFUL, BE REALISTIC, TO REMEMBER THE LIMITATIONS OF BEING HUMAN.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN DISAPPOINT ANOTHER TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF: IF YOU CAN BEAR THE ACCUSATION OF BETRAYAL AND NOT BETRAY YOUR OWN SOUL: IF YOU CAN BE FAITHLESS AND THEREFORE TRUSTWORTHY.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN SEE BEAUTY, EVEN WHEN IT IS NOT PRETTY EVERY DAY, AND IF YOU CAN SOURCE YOUR LIFE FROM ITS’ PRESENCE. I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN LIVE WITH FAILURE, YOURS AND MINE, AND STILL STAND ON THE EDGE OF THE LAKE AND SHOUT TO THE SILVER OF THE FULL MOON, “YES!”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live, or how much money you have.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN GET UP AFTER THE NIGHT OF GRIEF AND DESPAIR, WEARY AND BRUISED TO THE BONE, AND DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE TO FEED THE CHILDREN.
It doesn’t interest me what you know, or why you came here.
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WILL STAND IN THE CENTRE OF THE FIRE WITH ME, AND NOT SHRINK BACK.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SUSTAINS YOU FROM THE INSIDE, WHEN ALL ELSE FALLS AWAY. I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN BE ALONE WITH YOURSELF, AND IF YOU TRULY LIKE THE COMPANY YOU KEEP IN THE EMPTY MOMENTS.
The Invitation – Oriah, Mountain Dreamer
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Another Meh Moment
Me…?
I have always been one to be interested in something I can not get, kind of like wishing you could hold the sun.
I am generally unappreciative of that which is given to me easily, Can’t say why though.
I have never had a problem getting things I felt is possible, and never had to struggle for them either, while I watch people try again and again to get them. People have flown pass the sky and on to the moon, If someone did it, So can I.
I am not one who has any trouble getting along with people, Nor am I afraid of being blunt with them.
I will not be the one to hold your hand and guide you to safety, because it’s in danger we live.
I have never been and will never be afraid of trying something new, growing old or dying along, or the fact that no one may miss me when I am gone. I am alive now, when the curtains close it all won’t matter.
I won’t tell someone I love them, Miss them or care for them if I don’t mean it. Even if I have known that person my whole life. I can’t even pretend I like someone I hate for the stake of anyone.
This is me, This is who I am, In all bluntness. Trying so hard not to get caught up in being someone else.
Why Am I saying this now? Its just something I needed to shout out.
What does it all mean? I have no clue.
What next? Well … That’s a secret.
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is playing the piano
I have always been one to be interested in something I can not get, kind of like wishing you could hold the sun.
I am generally unappreciative of that which is given to me easily, Can’t say why though.
I have never had a problem getting things I felt is possible, and never had to struggle for them either, while I watch people try again and again to get them. People have flown pass the sky and on to the moon, If someone did it, So can I.
I am not one who has any trouble getting along with people, Nor am I afraid of being blunt with them.
I will not be the one to hold your hand and guide you to safety, because it’s in danger we live.
I have never been and will never be afraid of trying something new, growing old or dying along, or the fact that no one may miss me when I am gone. I am alive now, when the curtains close it all won’t matter.
I won’t tell someone I love them, Miss them or care for them if I don’t mean it. Even if I have known that person my whole life. I can’t even pretend I like someone I hate for the stake of anyone.
This is me, This is who I am, In all bluntness. Trying so hard not to get caught up in being someone else.
Why Am I saying this now? Its just something I needed to shout out.
What does it all mean? I have no clue.
What next? Well … That’s a secret.
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is playing the piano
Monday, July 27, 2009
Aha
You told me the truth and yet, I got angry … Why did it hurt so much I don’t know…
The truth doesn’t hurt, especially for me, I’m not the type who cares about what people think.
Maybe it’s the reality of never going to be ……
But then again I’m not the type who is going to go and try or pretend to be something I am not just for acceptance ..
Case Closed….. But why am I still so upset?
That I will never know…
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet'cause
I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down toIs that no one's really got it figured out just yet'cause
I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is playing the piano
The truth doesn’t hurt, especially for me, I’m not the type who cares about what people think.
Maybe it’s the reality of never going to be ……
But then again I’m not the type who is going to go and try or pretend to be something I am not just for acceptance ..
Case Closed….. But why am I still so upset?
That I will never know…
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet'cause
I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down toIs that no one's really got it figured out just yet'cause
I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is playing the piano
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Here's to the Crazy Ones!
Someone recently told me that only crazy people put themselves in messed up situations…well its true, what else would make a person quit the security of their job and go chasing after a silhouette of a dream. Take on challenges when there is no hope of succeeding. Walk deep into a forest full of unknown dangers…. But these are also the same people who reached past the sky and on to the moon.
The problem with us now a days, is that we think too much, we rely so much on facts and figures that our pure instincts are so out of tune. All those what if’s or should I's... but never really taking a step… We even fear being happy, doing something we like… which leads me to ask, who are the crazy ones?
The people in the world who we are being called crazy for what they are doing are succeeding in life, and then there are those who society classifies as normal, those hiding within security, but are not succeeding not even being alive.
Maybe its hard for us to fight against the limitations of being human? I don’t know, But I am willing to risk looking like a fool for my dreams, for the adventure of being alive… I am willing to disappoint another to be true to myself… and I can be alone with myself and truly enjoy the company I keep in the empty moments…. So here’s to being crazy… because I am crazy enough to think that the world can change…
Here's to the Crazy Ones!
The misfits, The rebels, The troublemakers, The round pegs in the square holes, The ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of rules, And they have no respect for the status quo.
You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can't do is ignore them, Because they change things.
They invent, They imagine, They heal, They explore, They create, They inspire, They push the human race forward.
Maybe they have to be crazy.
How else can you stare at an empty canvas & see a work of art?
Or, sit in silence & hear a song that's never been written?
Or, gaze at a red planet & see a laboratory on wheels?
We make tools for these kinds of people.
While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.
"Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
- - Apple computers (Think Different)
The problem with us now a days, is that we think too much, we rely so much on facts and figures that our pure instincts are so out of tune. All those what if’s or should I's... but never really taking a step… We even fear being happy, doing something we like… which leads me to ask, who are the crazy ones?
The people in the world who we are being called crazy for what they are doing are succeeding in life, and then there are those who society classifies as normal, those hiding within security, but are not succeeding not even being alive.
Maybe its hard for us to fight against the limitations of being human? I don’t know, But I am willing to risk looking like a fool for my dreams, for the adventure of being alive… I am willing to disappoint another to be true to myself… and I can be alone with myself and truly enjoy the company I keep in the empty moments…. So here’s to being crazy… because I am crazy enough to think that the world can change…
Here's to the Crazy Ones!
The misfits, The rebels, The troublemakers, The round pegs in the square holes, The ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of rules, And they have no respect for the status quo.
You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can't do is ignore them, Because they change things.
They invent, They imagine, They heal, They explore, They create, They inspire, They push the human race forward.
Maybe they have to be crazy.
How else can you stare at an empty canvas & see a work of art?
Or, sit in silence & hear a song that's never been written?
Or, gaze at a red planet & see a laboratory on wheels?
We make tools for these kinds of people.
While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.
"Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
- - Apple computers (Think Different)
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Stuck in a fictionated reality
Truth be told I've tried my best, But somewhere along the way, I got caught up in all there was to offer ….And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...I have sunk so low!I messed up….Better I should know…So don't come round here, And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent, Love was raw and young, We believed that we could change ourselves, The past could be undone, But we carry on our backs the burden, Time always reveals, In the lonely light of morning, In the wound that would not heal, It's the bitter taste of losing everything…..that I've held so dear.
Though I've tried, I've fallen...I have sunk so low!I messed up….Better I should know…So don't come round here, And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bend to take my hand, Nowhere left to turn..I'm lost to those I thought were friends, To everyone I knowOh they turn their heads embarrassed, Pretend that they don't see…But it's one missed step, One slip before you know it, And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...I have sunk so low!I messed up….Better I should know…So don't come round here, And tell me I told you so...
There are some people in need of a huge reality check, I am one of them. But the thing is I don’t like the reality I see, so instead I choose to ignore it… I seem to have put myself in a fictionated reality But…
Fact is… most of us really don’t understand ourselves… Fact is …. We often choose to stay the same because we are scared of change and we are scared of what happiness may bring, Fact is ….there will always be obstacles in our way, Fact is.. it is never easy to take a decision when you don’t know what it is you want, Fact is… not everybody has what it takes…. So why does it hurt when we hear other people telling us this?
I went ahead and made stupid choices …. But I can’t regret anything because it would have been all for nothing then….. I’m stuck…. But just for now, until I can figure out the exit to the tunnel. .. I need to shift my mind from fiction mode to fact mode.
Though I've tried, I've fallen...I have sunk so low!I messed up….Better I should know…So don't come round here, And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent, Love was raw and young, We believed that we could change ourselves, The past could be undone, But we carry on our backs the burden, Time always reveals, In the lonely light of morning, In the wound that would not heal, It's the bitter taste of losing everything…..that I've held so dear.
Though I've tried, I've fallen...I have sunk so low!I messed up….Better I should know…So don't come round here, And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bend to take my hand, Nowhere left to turn..I'm lost to those I thought were friends, To everyone I knowOh they turn their heads embarrassed, Pretend that they don't see…But it's one missed step, One slip before you know it, And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...I have sunk so low!I messed up….Better I should know…So don't come round here, And tell me I told you so...
There are some people in need of a huge reality check, I am one of them. But the thing is I don’t like the reality I see, so instead I choose to ignore it… I seem to have put myself in a fictionated reality But…
Fact is… most of us really don’t understand ourselves… Fact is …. We often choose to stay the same because we are scared of change and we are scared of what happiness may bring, Fact is ….there will always be obstacles in our way, Fact is.. it is never easy to take a decision when you don’t know what it is you want, Fact is… not everybody has what it takes…. So why does it hurt when we hear other people telling us this?
I went ahead and made stupid choices …. But I can’t regret anything because it would have been all for nothing then….. I’m stuck…. But just for now, until I can figure out the exit to the tunnel. .. I need to shift my mind from fiction mode to fact mode.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
18/06/2009
To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Human
Because I am human….
I need to be told how to Live for now. From all of the years that have come to pass, and all the years that will be, Before me I can only see right now, and it is in this moment that I am living in. Seeing, feeling and experiencing now!
I need to be shown how to be happy, during the most painful moments that life has thrown at me. To smile, when I feel like my heart is about to explode. To recover, when deep in depression.
I need to be held when I am broken, damaged at best. Shown past the disguise, to however deep it goes. Standing there with my true colors, to be looked at with truthful eyes, and be told that I have been perfect from the start.
But because I am human, I have people that have done the above for me.
Friends, Funny little creatures they are. People who you are able to share your life with. People who aren’t blood related. People who can surprisingly except you for who you are.
Just on a random note, why can’t 11 be read as onety one?
I need to be told how to Live for now. From all of the years that have come to pass, and all the years that will be, Before me I can only see right now, and it is in this moment that I am living in. Seeing, feeling and experiencing now!
I need to be shown how to be happy, during the most painful moments that life has thrown at me. To smile, when I feel like my heart is about to explode. To recover, when deep in depression.
I need to be held when I am broken, damaged at best. Shown past the disguise, to however deep it goes. Standing there with my true colors, to be looked at with truthful eyes, and be told that I have been perfect from the start.
But because I am human, I have people that have done the above for me.
Friends, Funny little creatures they are. People who you are able to share your life with. People who aren’t blood related. People who can surprisingly except you for who you are.
Just on a random note, why can’t 11 be read as onety one?
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I didn’t get the MC VP position but at least I found my shoes!! =)
Finally something to blog about!
As the title says, I didn’t get the MC position I was applying for! A lot of effort and waiting put in to the application/application process. But all was not wasted! I did learn how to make better power point presentations, among many other things.
People are now going to ask me how I am feeling, well a little sad, a little angry and a lot confused. That is expected, I’m only human. But the good thing about being human is that your doing fine, and if your not you will be.
People are going to tell me that this is not what I really wanted, for now I can say that I wanted this badly otherwise I wouldn’t have put so much effort into this. They are also going to tell me that other better things are going to come along, which is true, thought I might only notice it when it smacks me on the forehead in the near or distance future, but it will be there.
In short I’m fine, and if I’m not I will be. Some how, Any how. I will manage. Even if I am confused now. But hey there is good new in not getting the MC position! I found my black work shoes that where missing for like 2 months!!! Which I found because I was searching for my boxing gloves (which I didn’t find!) So Yay I don’t have to spent BD 20 anymore on buying new work shoes, and trust me that is something to be happy about!!!! I guess I really am a woman if shoes can make me this happy!
PS – Sarah Yousif, Hamad Tahar & Romeo Man I Know your going to rock AIESEC Bahrain next year!! Your too amazing not too!
As the title says, I didn’t get the MC position I was applying for! A lot of effort and waiting put in to the application/application process. But all was not wasted! I did learn how to make better power point presentations, among many other things.
People are now going to ask me how I am feeling, well a little sad, a little angry and a lot confused. That is expected, I’m only human. But the good thing about being human is that your doing fine, and if your not you will be.
People are going to tell me that this is not what I really wanted, for now I can say that I wanted this badly otherwise I wouldn’t have put so much effort into this. They are also going to tell me that other better things are going to come along, which is true, thought I might only notice it when it smacks me on the forehead in the near or distance future, but it will be there.
In short I’m fine, and if I’m not I will be. Some how, Any how. I will manage. Even if I am confused now. But hey there is good new in not getting the MC position! I found my black work shoes that where missing for like 2 months!!! Which I found because I was searching for my boxing gloves (which I didn’t find!) So Yay I don’t have to spent BD 20 anymore on buying new work shoes, and trust me that is something to be happy about!!!! I guess I really am a woman if shoes can make me this happy!
PS – Sarah Yousif, Hamad Tahar & Romeo Man I Know your going to rock AIESEC Bahrain next year!! Your too amazing not too!
Monday, August 18, 2008
@#%$%#$%@$#%@#$%$ (collected over the weeks)
I hate it when people don’t understand your situation and try to give you advice. I feel like dragging them down to my situation and giving them the same stupid lines that they just gave me. I can’t bring myself to understand that your trying to help me! It is not, trust me it is not! I hate the fact that people feel sorry for you, like what I really need is someone's pity. You idiots.. YOU ARE MAKING ME FEEL WORSE! I would rather you pretend that everything is fine just so that I can feel normal. I don’t want solutions to my problems or answers for my future, I just need you to pretend that everything is alright and everything is fine. Even when its not. Just give me hope that it will be….
I hate it when people ask me about why I don’t speak Arabic or Hindi or any other language that I am suppose to be speaking, Can’t you just let it be, I am not interested now, and I will learn when I am interested. I have lived 19 years of my life without it and I have done perfectly fine! I really don’t want to learn Arabic because it is going to make gossiping with you so much freaking easier! I am ok with not speaking the language and I can live my life like this. I should've …could've …. but didn’t … SO deal with it. I hate it when people make fun of my accent in Arabic! You wanted me to speak Arabic and now your making make fun of me? I am freaking trying here! I am sorry that I am Half Indian, I am sorry that I don’t know any of my Bahraini Family members that could've taught me how to speak. But guess what if I could deal with it, then so could you.
I hate it when people ask me about my driver license and why I don’t have one, well you try having an inflexible full time job at the age of 16 while studying in the evening and trying to get your license, And if your are able to, then you can come back to me and tell me to get my license, I might listen to you. Until then, you can go fall down a ditch and die for all I care, because I am really sick of hearing it. I don’t have my license, big deal, The world is not going to end because of that. Not having a license makes my life difficult, not yours! And If it makes your life difficult please tell, so that I can give you some peace and stop bothering you! Having you not asking about my license so freaking much would be a blessing.
I hate it when people ask me about why I don’t speak Arabic or Hindi or any other language that I am suppose to be speaking, Can’t you just let it be, I am not interested now, and I will learn when I am interested. I have lived 19 years of my life without it and I have done perfectly fine! I really don’t want to learn Arabic because it is going to make gossiping with you so much freaking easier! I am ok with not speaking the language and I can live my life like this. I should've …could've …. but didn’t … SO deal with it. I hate it when people make fun of my accent in Arabic! You wanted me to speak Arabic and now your making make fun of me? I am freaking trying here! I am sorry that I am Half Indian, I am sorry that I don’t know any of my Bahraini Family members that could've taught me how to speak. But guess what if I could deal with it, then so could you.
I hate it when people ask me about my driver license and why I don’t have one, well you try having an inflexible full time job at the age of 16 while studying in the evening and trying to get your license, And if your are able to, then you can come back to me and tell me to get my license, I might listen to you. Until then, you can go fall down a ditch and die for all I care, because I am really sick of hearing it. I don’t have my license, big deal, The world is not going to end because of that. Not having a license makes my life difficult, not yours! And If it makes your life difficult please tell, so that I can give you some peace and stop bothering you! Having you not asking about my license so freaking much would be a blessing.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
I hate Sundays
I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around
Oh, no
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the
is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
(Nine Inch Nails - Everyday is exactly the same)
Searching for the sunday where I don't find it painful to wake up.
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around
Oh, no
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the
is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
(Nine Inch Nails - Everyday is exactly the same)
Searching for the sunday where I don't find it painful to wake up.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
In 20 years
I don’t Know why I feel I want to talk about 20 years from now, what I will be doing, where I see myself, So I will just go ahead … with no explanation, no reason.
In 20 years from now, I see myself as a writer, a proclaimed writer, with some of the worlds top selling novels. My office will be small, but cozy, and I will have a lot of personal items decorating it. It would be my ultimate creative corner. I imagine my office always filled with papers, as I still would have not gotten out of the habit of writing now thoughts onto paper before typing them on to the computer. I would be frantically trying to finish my next best seller, hoping that yes this will be the one that they turn to a movie.
I see myself having an editor, who I treat as my P.A but secretly consider her my best friend. She would have read and edited most of my books. I imagine her pulling her hairs out trying to get me to finish my book on time, working harder that me to achieve my dreams, which is a book of mine that gets turned into a movie, Giving me a hard time of my carefree attitude. Writers are so hard to work with sometimes!
One of these days we will get that dream of ours!
My personality would still be the same, But I would be able to be more of myself and I would be able to understand me, or people better because of all the experience I have been through. I will have traveled most of the world by then, taking back with me a bit of each country, and becoming the person who I am (20 years from now)
I am more family orientated! I have 3 children that I can’t see my life without. I hoping its 2 boys and a girl… and that the girl will be more mischievous than the others! I feel secure and happy that I have a warm family. I would be sending my children to various art classes, with the hopes that one day they will become great artist, however I wont be disappointed they would choose to become bankers, doctors, etc. I know I will be supportive no matter what. We will all live is a small, warm, cozy house. Decorated with things I have picked up from all around the world. I imagine my house would be building from wood. It gives off this artistic feeling to it, and I own a old ford pick up truck that my kids love, they have always enjoyed sitting the back.
I see myself as such a cool person, I see my life has turned out pretty cool! I really cant wait for 20 years to really see what happens. I guess I will be coming back to this post in the late future.
ps - Thank you hamad for pointing out the typos and missing words
In 20 years from now, I see myself as a writer, a proclaimed writer, with some of the worlds top selling novels. My office will be small, but cozy, and I will have a lot of personal items decorating it. It would be my ultimate creative corner. I imagine my office always filled with papers, as I still would have not gotten out of the habit of writing now thoughts onto paper before typing them on to the computer. I would be frantically trying to finish my next best seller, hoping that yes this will be the one that they turn to a movie.
I see myself having an editor, who I treat as my P.A but secretly consider her my best friend. She would have read and edited most of my books. I imagine her pulling her hairs out trying to get me to finish my book on time, working harder that me to achieve my dreams, which is a book of mine that gets turned into a movie, Giving me a hard time of my carefree attitude. Writers are so hard to work with sometimes!
One of these days we will get that dream of ours!
My personality would still be the same, But I would be able to be more of myself and I would be able to understand me, or people better because of all the experience I have been through. I will have traveled most of the world by then, taking back with me a bit of each country, and becoming the person who I am (20 years from now)
I am more family orientated! I have 3 children that I can’t see my life without. I hoping its 2 boys and a girl… and that the girl will be more mischievous than the others! I feel secure and happy that I have a warm family. I would be sending my children to various art classes, with the hopes that one day they will become great artist, however I wont be disappointed they would choose to become bankers, doctors, etc. I know I will be supportive no matter what. We will all live is a small, warm, cozy house. Decorated with things I have picked up from all around the world. I imagine my house would be building from wood. It gives off this artistic feeling to it, and I own a old ford pick up truck that my kids love, they have always enjoyed sitting the back.
I see myself as such a cool person, I see my life has turned out pretty cool! I really cant wait for 20 years to really see what happens. I guess I will be coming back to this post in the late future.
ps - Thank you hamad for pointing out the typos and missing words
Monday, June 16, 2008
Thoughts 15 minutes before a tough exam
Im not sure how to start, so I will just start. Lately I have been watching a lot of anime, I cant help it. It seems like all I want to do.
Specifically im addicted to this really childish anime. You could compare it to the power rangers… Yet I can relate to it!
The concept goes something like this “ All kids have an Egg in their heart, the egg of their dreams, their would be selves” (childish I know)
So we basically have an Egg in ourselves, this egg contains what we dream of and represent what we want to be. In the anime, some children’s wants are so powerful that the egg comes out of their heart and hatches into guardians. (if your still reading I applaud you) Sometimes some children want to achieve their dreams so badly but just cant, mostly because they don’t believe in themselves, those eggs turns blacks, gets an X mark on them and becomes harmful to the children and in some cases others as well. In the anime those kids grow up to be goal-less adults walking through life without ever enjoying it. So its up to all guardians to protect children’s eggs and prevent them for turning black/ or save the black eggs.
Somehow this feels similar, Childrens dream, some of them shine, some of them fall and never get back up.
Back to the anime, there are 2 characters I can really relate to …
1st is actually the bad guy of the anime, An evil scientist that preys on weak children and causes their eggs to turn black, crushing them. His story was that he wanted to be a professor one day and create an amazing type of robot, He really wanted it, so his dream egg came out, but before the egg could hatch into a guardian, it was accidentally crushed by one of his failure robots, slowly due to time he was forced to give up on his dream due to societal and parental pressures, his egg never returned. I guess you can say failures are deadly if you do not know how to pick yourself up after one.
The 2nd character I can relate to is a stray cat like boy, who is so indifferent yet so not. Someone who keeps quite and keeps everything to himself because of the fear of getting hurt or hurting others. Someone who cant seem to place importance in himself yet places importance in others.
These seem like negative things for me to relate to, but I’m at a point in my life where I need something I can relate to, I need to understand what im feeling, because right now a lot of things to me just don’t make sense, and the more I question them, the more I get sting or at the very least a bunch of angry screams.
I know its all in my hand, but I don’t have the motivation to do anything about it, I seem to have lost that, along with reason.
Im not too sure how I am going to try to understand
I could be facing the worst reality check, but I don’t want to accept it. Why cant I dream, just for a bit longer?
Specifically im addicted to this really childish anime. You could compare it to the power rangers… Yet I can relate to it!
The concept goes something like this “ All kids have an Egg in their heart, the egg of their dreams, their would be selves” (childish I know)
So we basically have an Egg in ourselves, this egg contains what we dream of and represent what we want to be. In the anime, some children’s wants are so powerful that the egg comes out of their heart and hatches into guardians. (if your still reading I applaud you) Sometimes some children want to achieve their dreams so badly but just cant, mostly because they don’t believe in themselves, those eggs turns blacks, gets an X mark on them and becomes harmful to the children and in some cases others as well. In the anime those kids grow up to be goal-less adults walking through life without ever enjoying it. So its up to all guardians to protect children’s eggs and prevent them for turning black/ or save the black eggs.
Somehow this feels similar, Childrens dream, some of them shine, some of them fall and never get back up.
Back to the anime, there are 2 characters I can really relate to …
1st is actually the bad guy of the anime, An evil scientist that preys on weak children and causes their eggs to turn black, crushing them. His story was that he wanted to be a professor one day and create an amazing type of robot, He really wanted it, so his dream egg came out, but before the egg could hatch into a guardian, it was accidentally crushed by one of his failure robots, slowly due to time he was forced to give up on his dream due to societal and parental pressures, his egg never returned. I guess you can say failures are deadly if you do not know how to pick yourself up after one.
The 2nd character I can relate to is a stray cat like boy, who is so indifferent yet so not. Someone who keeps quite and keeps everything to himself because of the fear of getting hurt or hurting others. Someone who cant seem to place importance in himself yet places importance in others.
These seem like negative things for me to relate to, but I’m at a point in my life where I need something I can relate to, I need to understand what im feeling, because right now a lot of things to me just don’t make sense, and the more I question them, the more I get sting or at the very least a bunch of angry screams.
I know its all in my hand, but I don’t have the motivation to do anything about it, I seem to have lost that, along with reason.
Im not too sure how I am going to try to understand
I could be facing the worst reality check, but I don’t want to accept it. Why cant I dream, just for a bit longer?
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Cracked this morning worst and weak
Tears roll down from inside my cheek
Strange timing
Oppurtunity knocks
Sun comes up, paradox
Don't ask me if I'm hungry
I'm not sick
Somethings tearing me up
Brick by brick
And I feel guilty
as I sigh
I'm feeling guilty
Why do I?
Cracked this morning
worse and sad
Or have I already told you that
Forget my plans to grow a vine
You wern't dressed to burn these thoughts of mine
Tears roll down from inside my cheek
Strange timing
Oppurtunity knocks
Sun comes up, paradox
Don't ask me if I'm hungry
I'm not sick
Somethings tearing me up
Brick by brick
And I feel guilty
as I sigh
I'm feeling guilty
Why do I?
Cracked this morning
worse and sad
Or have I already told you that
Forget my plans to grow a vine
You wern't dressed to burn these thoughts of mine
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
pardon me while I burstinto flames.
I've had enough of the world
and its people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burnand rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me...I'll never be the same!
Pardon me while I burst...
I need you to hear,
I need you to see
that I have had all I can take
and exploding seems like a
DEFINITE possibility to me.
I've had enough of the world
and its people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burnand rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me...I'll never be the same!
Pardon me while I burst...
I need you to hear,
I need you to see
that I have had all I can take
and exploding seems like a
DEFINITE possibility to me.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Reflecting-questions-extermly random
Of late I have been asking people these questions that I have been asking myself, I never did tell anyone my answers but I am going to post some of them here now.
1) What are things I learnt from others this/last year?
Something I learnt last year is that always have a plan, making a plan only takes about 5 minutes, but it is the key to having a successful event, career, session, outing.
I learnt the importance of relevance and roles, everything in your life has to have a role, a purpose and if it doesnt then it shouldnt be in my life, or if it has a negative role it shouldn’t be in my life as well.
There is always a way to link A to B, I just have to find that link
2) What is something I want to teach people?
I want to teach people to never give up and to keep trying, I am a strong believer in second chances, mainly because I always get a second chance, and sometimes that is maybe all I need, a second chance.
3) What is something I learnt by myself?
I learnt I need to fail, I really did hurt to fail, It sucks that I had to fail really badly just to realize things about myself I didnt know, but I needed it, mainly because it made me aware of alot of things, also its because I need to learn how to deal with failure and how to pick up the lessons learnt and move on. Which I can be bad at doing sometimes
I learnt that I am not ready for alot of things, but I want to do them anyways mainly because I am not ready. I lost the fear of tasking on a task I know nothing about, because I know I will be able to work my way through
I guess for me these are the 3 main questions that I really felt like sharing.
more blog posts to come
1) What are things I learnt from others this/last year?
Something I learnt last year is that always have a plan, making a plan only takes about 5 minutes, but it is the key to having a successful event, career, session, outing.
I learnt the importance of relevance and roles, everything in your life has to have a role, a purpose and if it doesnt then it shouldnt be in my life, or if it has a negative role it shouldn’t be in my life as well.
There is always a way to link A to B, I just have to find that link
2) What is something I want to teach people?
I want to teach people to never give up and to keep trying, I am a strong believer in second chances, mainly because I always get a second chance, and sometimes that is maybe all I need, a second chance.
3) What is something I learnt by myself?
I learnt I need to fail, I really did hurt to fail, It sucks that I had to fail really badly just to realize things about myself I didnt know, but I needed it, mainly because it made me aware of alot of things, also its because I need to learn how to deal with failure and how to pick up the lessons learnt and move on. Which I can be bad at doing sometimes
I learnt that I am not ready for alot of things, but I want to do them anyways mainly because I am not ready. I lost the fear of tasking on a task I know nothing about, because I know I will be able to work my way through
I guess for me these are the 3 main questions that I really felt like sharing.
more blog posts to come
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Invested time
I will try to keep this post short,
I really want to thank all that invested time in me, All those late night cups of coffee and ice cream eating sessions.
Or maybe long phone calls or chats online. Cool chill outs at DQ, Papa Johns or Jasmis. Long drives or walks in the souq.
Or checking out good looking khabas guys.... It all means a lot to me.
So I just need to thank all those that invested time in me in 2007, before 2007 ends.
I really want to thank all that invested time in me, All those late night cups of coffee and ice cream eating sessions.
Or maybe long phone calls or chats online. Cool chill outs at DQ, Papa Johns or Jasmis. Long drives or walks in the souq.
Or checking out good looking khabas guys.... It all means a lot to me.
So I just need to thank all those that invested time in me in 2007, before 2007 ends.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Thinking out loud
Reflecting Back .. just some random thoughts
Sitting at my desk at work, counting down the days before the year ends, I am really thankful as to how this year has turned out.
Currently listening to Orinoco flow by Enya, work will end in about an Hour. After that I have a mid term and extra classes. Currently my schedule is over packed with alot of things to do.
Thinking back, the year was filled with alot of memorable occasions, more like memorable places or conversations that I can always go back to reflect on. When the year began the only 2 goals I set for myself are to get my license and to try and find sponsorship for university. I am sad to admit that I did not do both, however the time I spent doing alot of other things, to me right now I feel was well worth it.
Now my year is ending, what really happened last year shouldn't really matter right? Or should it?
I guess I should sit with myself on the 31st and have a big reflect ... I should probably use the eid holidays to set expectations and goals for myself for next year ... and oh yeah the license and the sponsorship are 2 of the many things I should do.
So hats off to a rocky 07 ... 41 days left for me to enjoy the year.
Sitting at my desk at work, counting down the days before the year ends, I am really thankful as to how this year has turned out.
Currently listening to Orinoco flow by Enya, work will end in about an Hour. After that I have a mid term and extra classes. Currently my schedule is over packed with alot of things to do.
Thinking back, the year was filled with alot of memorable occasions, more like memorable places or conversations that I can always go back to reflect on. When the year began the only 2 goals I set for myself are to get my license and to try and find sponsorship for university. I am sad to admit that I did not do both, however the time I spent doing alot of other things, to me right now I feel was well worth it.
Now my year is ending, what really happened last year shouldn't really matter right? Or should it?
I guess I should sit with myself on the 31st and have a big reflect ... I should probably use the eid holidays to set expectations and goals for myself for next year ... and oh yeah the license and the sponsorship are 2 of the many things I should do.
So hats off to a rocky 07 ... 41 days left for me to enjoy the year.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)