Are our habits worth dying for?

I have tried to left that part of me behind, but before I knew it, it had somehow creped back into my life again, becoming a part of me.

They say old habits die hard, Are we going to die with our habits or without them, or better yet are our habits worth dying for?

I am not sure.

Been thinking a lot lately, as if it is some sort of physical sport I have to practice in order to improve (which clearly we all know is not the case) .

The question that comes to mind is, I am happy with myself and my habits, but others aren’t?  What do I do in this case? Do I try and understand why people would be unhappy with them, do I change completely or so I find a middle ground? What should I do indeed, when I am happy and someone else is not so happy with me.. What indeed should I do?

We no matter how much I think about it, If you’re happy then YOU ACTUALLY ARE happy, we are going come across people that will disapprove of what we do, in fact we come across these people more often than we think we would.  I think the best solution is the stand your ground unless you find a reason not to, because lets face it, we as human beings are absolutely shit at doing things we don’t want to do. We thrive on motivation and no one else can tell us better, with that being said, be what you believe is right, even when others find it wrong,  But remember once in a while you got to put blind stubbornness aside and think “Are our habits worth dying for?”

Because some time when we live with our eyes closed, we end up missing some important wake up call and we needed to have.

Closing a cycle

Last night I dreamt of you, I dreamt that you where doing well and happy with life.

I held your hand for hours not wanting to let go, how could I lose you when I had just found you again, but I could see from the look in your eyes you weren’t going to stay.

Sooner or later I would have to lose you again, and so I asked you a simple question, “Are you happy with the decision you have made?” you nodded yes, and then I made a decision…. I let go, and watched you disappear for the second time.

When I woke up, realizing it was just a dream made me feel slightly disappointed.

Are you doing well or are you happy? Questions always on my mind, but I think by now we have reached the end of a cycle and I have no more regrets.

What was, what was suppose to be, isn’t anymore and shouldn’t be, I can see that clearly now.

And now that the anger, confusion and depression has faded away, all that remains is the sounds of our laughter echoing of the walls of my bedroom.

We had a good cycle, and now even though I was unable to say it to you face to face, goodbye and good luck.

Time

I have kind of noticed that I have a tendency of wanting to blog during working hour, I feel like its a “this cant wait moment” I get from time to time.

Thinking back to last year (which was not to long ago) and all the things that have happened.

I cried and I laughed,

I Travelled on some holidays , while I spent the others in bed,

I worried myself out too much at times, and too little at other times,

I watch hours of T.V and then dedicated hours to reading books,

I lost some friends, and I gained new family members,

I fought for what I believed in, and I also doubted myself,

All in one year, And I have come to realize that we live in moments and its all these little moments in our lives that define who we are, every thing in the end has a way of working itself out, and time has a way of making you forget about all the bad stuff, and that’s why we always say “I remember the good old days”

I think I did alright, and I am not so heart broken anymore either, I was thinking it would have been harder living on after, feeling an immense amount of pain, having a dead end life and nothing to look forward to, But time seems to be more kinder to me that I was to myself, it treated me with care and patience, and lead me on to a new path, A new path that is constantly unfolding. 

I may have some up days and I may have some days where I will get really low, but I know that no matter what happens, everything will always continue to move forward, and that’s what makes me feel gratitude towards life and time.

In the end, I just wanted to say good luck this year guys, we have made it this far =)

Dear Dairy part 2

Just one of those that’s where I wish I can say I’m fine, and if I’m not I will be fine

I’m tired, oh so tired, I’m tired of false hope, I’m tired of people believing in me, I’m tried of even reading horoscopes just to believe that my day will be better.

And I don’t know what to do about any of it. I seem to be having an internal struggle with myself. Kind of like your whole world has been falling apart slowly, however you forced yourself not to notice, and then a train wreck forces you to see reality … And you’re just stuck there watching…. every single thing fall apart.

You don’t know why you’re anger any more, or why you’re sad, why you’re restless, you don’t know anything, not even what makes you happy right now.

“ I don't want to be the one, The battles always choose, 'Cause inside I realize, That I'm the one confused”

“I don't know what's worth fighting for, Or why I have to scream, I don't know why I instigate, And say what I don't mean, I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright.”

Dear Dairy Part 1

"The flow of time cleanses the past and heals the wounds in people's hearts. But there are wounds we cant speak of." — Ai Yazawa

I wonder if the 10^th of October will be one of those events that we just can’t speck of? It seems that we really can't turn back time or reverse the flow of life. Neither can we control which direction it is flowing too.

Good times go fast, but when its bad, its like watching everything happen is slow motion, almost as if time stops. And since last night it doesn’t seem to want to start again.

I suppose its one of those “what ever you do next will define you” situations. It’s the turning point. But sometimes, some of us, don’t necessarily grow from bad experiences. Sometimes we don’t become stronger.

So the question I am asking today is, am I turning towards good or am I turning towards bad? Am I strong enough?

Questions

To help or be helped? I am usually “be helped”… To be honest i’m lost (not sad, depressed or in misery just lost), I usually am, but I am guessing that it’s part of being alive… I think? So many questions that I do not have the answer too, but I guess if someone else did maybe it might help me a little bit, so I am asking, to those that don’t mind sharing, to answer what ever you can

1) What is love? Spiritually and scientifically?

2) Are we all really the best we can be?

3) Why is it we have to be cruel to be kind sometimes?

4) What is a balanced life? And how can you achieve it?

5) What makes people good? And what makes people bad? Are we really the right people to judge?

6) What is control? How can we let go?

7) They say that self confidence and self love is directly related to each other, I love myself, but still not ready to come out of my shell, what does that mean? That I truly don’t love myself?

8) If so how does one love themselves?

9) What is talent? How do we define it? How do we know if we have any…

10) We say we are sad all the time, but honestly are we truly sad?

11) What is the end result of it all?

12) What is the best we can be? And how do we know we are at our best?

13) What does marriage mean? And why do we get married?

14) What does being pregnant feel like?

15) How does it feel to hold your first child?

16) How can you know who you are without looking through the eyes of another?

17) What is the true definition of strength?

18) Are we truly living?

19) What are we so scared of?

20) What are the things we have control off and what are the things we don’t have control over? How do we recognize that and just let go?

21) How does one invest in themselves?

22) What if people you respect and admire, start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she/he is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

23) Can we really truly define things as right or wrong?

I walk alone part 2

“You know Hachi, your life depends only on ourselves. I’m still convinced about this… But I’ve also learned to accept that people… don’t all become as strong, and it made me kinder than before." — Ai Yazawa


I have always believed that people are strong in their own ways, and I am sure I am strong in my own way as well! But seriously how do we define strength? What is the criteria for calling a person strong?

This I still don’t know, So for now all I can do is stand by my decisions and believe that the outcome of it all will be the best.

Continuing what I said before, I still walk alone.

Not because I can, but maybe because I cant.
Not because I am comfortable doing so, but rather I don’t know how to.
Not because I hate people, but because I love them.
And lastly, Not because I have nothing to lose or nothing to gain, but because I want to learn to protect everyone.

In my own way, this journey by myself, I am sure it will make me stronger. I’m sure it will push my limits, and make me see things in a new perspective, and I am sure at the end of it all, it will make me kinder, Because at the end of the day, the only thing I want to be, the only thing I want to do, is be the best person I can ever be, to myself and to others.

Questions

I am normally not to good about talking about things or explaining them very well. Been having a rollercoaster trend in life right now, and I guess I wanted to get some help with it.

You see, I cant really say I am sad, or depressed, but I cant truly say that I am happy either.

Why? Can I pin point the exact thing that makes me sad or shall I say “doesn’t make me completely happy”, not really.
I know we live in a imperfect world and are surrounded by imperfect things, and that we ourselves are imperfect, but I wonder, am I suppose to settle for imperfect happiness because of that?

My world kind of seems like a bucket of white paint, that has a thin, slow and steady line of black paint being added to it over time, making me view the world with grey impure eyes, as if I am always in the twilight.
What does it mean to truly be happy?

I don’t understand, and that’s why I search for it, that’s why I wake up and do the things I need to do, and that why I try to improve myself, and I really do try so damn hard.

But what if all I do just goes about bring a negative impact for myself? and what if the stories and experience I can share with others brings about tears, rather than smiles? What if I end up adding some black paint into someone’s pure white paint? What if I become completely black in my search for true happiness? What if I never truly smile from the bottom of my heart or make someone else smile from the bottom of their heart?

Questions I keep asking myself that make me sadder ...

Back to Basics – Part 2

So this time its for real, I am really back to basics.

My Blackberry broke, and I am without connectivity, I do not plan to repair it, nor do I plan to replace it. I am actually happy with my simple china made phone that cant do much but call from (Heck I can’t even change the ring tone).

Now what? Let me just tell you, as easy as it is thought to be, readjusting from once using a sort of smart phone to not being able to use one is tougher than it seems.

I know that I do have option of going out and getting one, but I am trying my best not too, Why, because there are things you learn by not being connected.

1) I did learn that I was being very irresponsible at work by being on my phone all the time, I was just hitting my deadlines, but that’s not good enough at all, That’s like giving everything an average performance, while you except everyone (or thing) to give you an excellent performance. The world just doesn’t work like that.

2) I realized that I was being more available to others and not available to myself, and I was more tempted to go out and have fun, instead of staying in and doing something more productive, I was always pushing my problems a side to listen to others problems.

3) I spent more time reading garage than reading anything useful, The same messages with different wording, sent day in and day out, there was a time when I would come back home from work and take a book of my bookshelf’s and read, then Smartphones came into action, and the only reading I have been doing was from emails, messages, facebook and twitter.

4) I lost contact with people who did not have any sort of Smartphone, because it was too out of the way to make an effort to contact. And I wasted my time with the wrong people, people who haven’t been in contact with me every since my blackberry broke, people who I cared a lot for, but I know would not call me to check on me ever.

If I be really honest these aren’t big changes at all, but a lot of small changes can always lead to one big change, and right now I am just trying to be the best person I can be with my own abilities, and if I find even the slightest negative influence, and thing or person taking me in the wrong direction, I wont hesitate to cut them out.

I walk alone

They often say that a problem shared is half the trouble. We all tend to live our lives, walking hand in hand, lending our strength and also sharing someone else’s strength.

But here is what I am saying, no matter what, no matter how painful, no matter how lonely, I choose and will walk alone.

For  awhile, at least until I am able to walk on my own two feet without anyone’s help, and until I learn to fly.

Until then I will walk alone. (Or fly alone).

I'm looking to the sky to save me, Looking for a sign of life

Looking for something to help me burn out bright, I'm looking for a complication

Looking cause I'm tired of trying, Make my way back home when I learn to fly high

Make my way back home when I learn to. .  

 Foo Fighters – learn to fly 

Flash Back

It all started with words “Do you trust me” it was enough to let me forget all the fears I have had at that point of time. How often is it that we can find safety in the eyes of someone you barely know? Someone who isn’t a friend and yet who isn’t a stranger.

I would say from personal experience that not so often, and there you where. Standing in front of me, when you had the world to choose from, asking me to trust you. How could I not feel safe in your arms?

Many years have passed since then, and I have met many people during those years, I have established trusting friendships and relationships that I can fall back on. I have a steady career path since then and safety and comfort in life.

And yet sometimes, when I close my eyes, I still see you standing there with an out stretched arm asking me to trust you. 

Back to the future

Silhouettes dance for me on the walls of my hotel room, they tell me stories about “what if?” and the endless possible endings.

Reminiscing about the past as I lay on my bed, I think of the days when all I needed to go out and have a good time was 300 fils (which is less than a dollar). It was enough for a can of coke, a pack of crisp and a phone call to get a ride home.

It was in those days that we held our heads high and proud, because of the many mistakes we have made, and the innocence of just not knowing better, that accompanied us where ever we went.

And as we walked down the streets of our favorite hangouts, little did we know that those where the days that we decided who and what we are and will be in the many years to come.

And because of that we will walk like Kings and Queens, with pride in ourselves for the rest of our lives, But only if we remember to, and not youthfully disregard our past and the many decisions we had made in the previous years to defined us to our very core.

It makes me realize of the lies put forwards my silhouettes, about the endless possibilities of maybe. How defined would we be if we kept playing on a maybe? And didn’t we already decide that we are going to be happy?

Circles & Chances

Truth be told, I was having a rough day yesterday, but it was nothing that couldn’t be fixed, My final thoughts for the night where circles and chances.

A friend once told me something that roughly translate to this: " if you have a problem, or if you have something you want to achieve (New House, Car, Amazing Job, etc, etc) you need to create a circle of influence."

A circle of influence is made of people (Friends or strangers) that can actually help you achieve what needs to be achieved. The theory is that you talk about what you want to achieve to the correct people that can help you make it happen.

It’s kind of like for example, You wanting a new job. How are people going to know that you are looking for a new job if you did not tell them? You would be missing out on the many opportunities that could have presented it’s self to you because no one knows that you are looking for a new job.

Going back to what I was saying earlier, If there is something I want or need, I should have a circle of influence to help with me it, and for the past couple of years I have spent a bit of time building up circle of influences for different things in my life, and I have come to realize 2 things (well maybe more, but there is only 2 I want to talk about)

This first thing is, Not everyone you know and meet belong in your circle of influence. What I mean by this is that, Sometimes the people you love the most in life are not good for your circle of influence and sometimes the strangers you meet in a random shop could be the ones to help you achieve what you have been trying to achieve. Why? Well that’s something you have to sit and figure out yourselves.

And the second thing, At the end of the day it all comes down to individual creativity and the chances that you are able to make the most of. The failure to express how your mind works at the right given opportunity is a clear failure to yourself representation and what you want to achieve.

It’s safe to say that the reason why some things have been working out for me, is because I am surrounded by the correct people I need to be surrounded by. In all fairness to them they are amazing, and I am glad to know them.

"In my dream, the angel shrugged and said, if we fail this time, it will be a failure of imagination and then she placed the world gently in the palm of my hand." — Brian Andreas

again

Again, I can’t help but mention that I am far from it and I know it. In fact I think by now you know it as well.

This time I was so close, and now I am yet again so close to nothingness.

Months and months of crafting the perfect balance, only to be broken in 5 minutes.

I know what you would say to me, start over again, if you keep learning what not to do, you will eventually learn what you should be doing.

But right now I can’t, I just can’t.

And Again I ask you, why is that we cry without know what exactly we are crying about?


“ Little angel go away, Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today, I'll never hear a word you say
Promised I would find a little solace, And some peace of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so …Desperate and ravenous, So weak and powerless - Perfect Circle “

Until I am Fine

Been trying for the past hour to actually write down how I am feeling right about now, and all I have is the below lyrics. I wish I could fade away until I am fine.

I don’t want to fight anymore, or assure anyone that everything will be better. I don’t want to decided, or deal with confusion, mine or others. I don’t want to go past tomorrow. Today is the maximum I can do. I don’t want to push for greatness, mine or others, simple is what I can handle right now. I don’t want to lose or win. I just want to nothing everthing.

So tired I think I may actually fall asleep today.

" Don't ask me if I'm hungry, I'm not sick
Something’s tearing me apart, Brick by brick
And I feel guilty as I sigh, I'm feeling guilty, Why do I?
Take your hands out of mine
Take a rope and tie these thoughts of mine down
Until I'm fine
Cracked this morning worse and sad
Or have I already told you that
Forget my plans to grow a vine
You weren't dressed to burn these thoughts of mine
Until I'm fine - K's Choice"

Silent Night

Close to 5 am in the morning, and I am sleepless in Bahrain! I hear the birds chirping outside, they must all be ready to wake up, and yet I don’t seem ready go to sleep.

Been sick for the past few days, getting better and also getting worst. Antibiotics seem to be a bit too strong for me, They make me want to throw up. But Alas I can breathe again without any worries. This also could be the reason for me not being able to sleep.

There is something about the silent night that makes you think about the sad truth of life (or shall I say my life as thoughts will change according to people)

Here is what I have learnt tonight,

They don’t teach you everything you need to know about life at school, they seem to have forgotten the important bits.

Not everything is black and white, after awhile everything seems to turn to grey and your left in the confusion of all this grayness.

What cures you for one thing could make you sick with another thing.

When love is involved everything else becomes so worthless and when it dies everything else still remains worthless.

Unfortunately sometimes we must do wrong things, even if we are not proud of them or hated for it, it has to been done, and that’s just the way things work.

That not choosing is the laziest choice you can ever make, because it entitles others to choose for you, thus giving you the option to blame someone else if anything goes wrong in your life.

You cannot sacrifice yourself for someone you love, because you don’t realize how much pain you will be forcing on to them, especially if they see you hurting because of that.

5.14 am, I really need to fall asleep otherwise I will miss the rest of my weekend!

“I may be dumb but, I'm not stupid ...Trying to make this work by Rihanna - Stupid in love”

meh

I have recently discovered that I am too technologically advance for my liking, that I am too connected and in tune with what’s going on around me, and That things rarely can surprise me these days.

I don’t like it. You know the whole being available to people whenever, wherever, mainly because I’m not.

I miss the paper notes and letters from friends, or the late night calls from the house phone, or the meeting spot that everyone would automatically go to meet everyone.

So I have decided to go on a mini technology fast. I have started by not signing on to facebook and switching off blackberry messenger. I am not sure what it will grow in to or how long I will last, but I know that taking a step back is my way of moving forward. I know it wouldn’t get back the small childish things that I used like, but going back to the days when you physically used to hang out with friends rather that have a relationship with a mobile portable equipment is kind of what I want to achieve.

And if you are wondering how my notes are getting published without me signing on to facebook, my blog automatically updates my facebook notes whenever I have a new post.

My stand

I am beginning to think that the world has problems with individualism! With people who are capable of just being them selves.

Everybody has categories and labels, and if you don’t fit into one then earth will spin out of order, fly into the sun, destroy that ball of burning flames, and then we will all dehydrate to death because there will be no more water…. unless we move to the moon or mars???

Did you guys ever consider that being unique is also a category “SLASH” a label? I mean sure us unique people don’t seem to have anything in common, but duh it is maybe because we are unique!

I really want to be free to choose who I want to be, where I want to be, with whom I want to be with, How I would like to be with them, etc, etc, and if you have a problem with it is fine, because what others think of me is not my problem, it’s theirs.

I am not a pervert! I am a super pervert! – Jiraiya (Naruto)

Fighter

I think for the past few months, I have spent a lot of time just fighting, But what is it that I fight for?

I fight for pride, respect, and for my rights.

I fight because I think I am worth it, I fight because think I am not.

I fight for you even though you do not see it, even when you don’t fight for me.

I fight because I want to become stronger and people I have people I want to protect.

I fight for Dreams, smiles, tears, and pain, mine and yours.

But most of all I fight because I feel so dead otherwise, because the things you are passionate about are the things worth fighting for, and without them the world just seems to be so empty.


“Thought I would forget but I, I remember! I Remember!
Makes me that much stronger, Makes me work a little bit harder, Makes me that much wiser thanks for making me a fighter!”

Desperately

What we want is not what we are meant to have, Basic rule of life that I have been over and over again. I always want what I can’t have and I always need what I don’t want.

The thing is I know that you are so wrong, and that I should stay away, but yet I can’t help wanting you. So what do I do now? How far will I need to be running this time? I don’t not know, but I am running.



“ why can’t ignore it? I keep giving in, But I should know better, cause there was something about the way you looked at me, and its strange that things change, but not me wanting you so desperately”