I didn’t get the MC VP position but at least I found my shoes!! =)

Finally something to blog about!

As the title says, I didn’t get the MC position I was applying for! A lot of effort and waiting put in to the application/application process. But all was not wasted! I did learn how to make better power point presentations, among many other things.

People are now going to ask me how I am feeling, well a little sad, a little angry and a lot confused. That is expected, I’m only human. But the good thing about being human is that your doing fine, and if your not you will be.

People are going to tell me that this is not what I really wanted, for now I can say that I wanted this badly otherwise I wouldn’t have put so much effort into this. They are also going to tell me that other better things are going to come along, which is true, thought I might only notice it when it smacks me on the forehead in the near or distance future, but it will be there.

In short I’m fine, and if I’m not I will be. Some how, Any how. I will manage. Even if I am confused now. But hey there is good new in not getting the MC position! I found my black work shoes that where missing for like 2 months!!! Which I found because I was searching for my boxing gloves (which I didn’t find!) So Yay I don’t have to spent BD 20 anymore on buying new work shoes, and trust me that is something to be happy about!!!! I guess I really am a woman if shoes can make me this happy!

PS – Sarah Yousif, Hamad Tahar & Romeo Man I Know your going to rock AIESEC Bahrain next year!! Your too amazing not too!

@#%$%#$%@$#%@#$%$ (collected over the weeks)

I hate it when people don’t understand your situation and try to give you advice. I feel like dragging them down to my situation and giving them the same stupid lines that they just gave me. I can’t bring myself to understand that your trying to help me! It is not, trust me it is not! I hate the fact that people feel sorry for you, like what I really need is someone's pity. You idiots.. YOU ARE MAKING ME FEEL WORSE! I would rather you pretend that everything is fine just so that I can feel normal. I don’t want solutions to my problems or answers for my future, I just need you to pretend that everything is alright and everything is fine. Even when its not. Just give me hope that it will be….

I hate it when people ask me about why I don’t speak Arabic or Hindi or any other language that I am suppose to be speaking, Can’t you just let it be, I am not interested now, and I will learn when I am interested. I have lived 19 years of my life without it and I have done perfectly fine! I really don’t want to learn Arabic because it is going to make gossiping with you so much freaking easier! I am ok with not speaking the language and I can live my life like this. I should've …could've …. but didn’t … SO deal with it. I hate it when people make fun of my accent in Arabic! You wanted me to speak Arabic and now your making make fun of me? I am freaking trying here! I am sorry that I am Half Indian, I am sorry that I don’t know any of my Bahraini Family members that could've taught me how to speak. But guess what if I could deal with it, then so could you.


I hate it when people ask me about my driver license and why I don’t have one, well you try having an inflexible full time job at the age of 16 while studying in the evening and trying to get your license, And if your are able to, then you can come back to me and tell me to get my license, I might listen to you. Until then, you can go fall down a ditch and die for all I care, because I am really sick of hearing it. I don’t have my license, big deal, The world is not going to end because of that. Not having a license makes my life difficult, not yours! And If it makes your life difficult please tell, so that I can give you some peace and stop bothering you! Having you not asking about my license so freaking much would be a blessing.

I hate Sundays

I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around

Oh, no

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the
is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
(Nine Inch Nails - Everyday is exactly the same)

Searching for the sunday where I don't find it painful to wake up.

In 20 years

I don’t Know why I feel I want to talk about 20 years from now, what I will be doing, where I see myself, So I will just go ahead … with no explanation, no reason.

In 20 years from now, I see myself as a writer, a proclaimed writer, with some of the worlds top selling novels. My office will be small, but cozy, and I will have a lot of personal items decorating it. It would be my ultimate creative corner. I imagine my office always filled with papers, as I still would have not gotten out of the habit of writing now thoughts onto paper before typing them on to the computer. I would be frantically trying to finish my next best seller, hoping that yes this will be the one that they turn to a movie.

I see myself having an editor, who I treat as my P.A but secretly consider her my best friend. She would have read and edited most of my books. I imagine her pulling her hairs out trying to get me to finish my book on time, working harder that me to achieve my dreams, which is a book of mine that gets turned into a movie, Giving me a hard time of my carefree attitude. Writers are so hard to work with sometimes!

One of these days we will get that dream of ours!

My personality would still be the same, But I would be able to be more of myself and I would be able to understand me, or people better because of all the experience I have been through. I will have traveled most of the world by then, taking back with me a bit of each country, and becoming the person who I am (20 years from now)

I am more family orientated! I have 3 children that I can’t see my life without. I hoping its 2 boys and a girl… and that the girl will be more mischievous than the others! I feel secure and happy that I have a warm family. I would be sending my children to various art classes, with the hopes that one day they will become great artist, however I wont be disappointed they would choose to become bankers, doctors, etc. I know I will be supportive no matter what. We will all live is a small, warm, cozy house. Decorated with things I have picked up from all around the world. I imagine my house would be building from wood. It gives off this artistic feeling to it, and I own a old ford pick up truck that my kids love, they have always enjoyed sitting the back.

I see myself as such a cool person, I see my life has turned out pretty cool! I really cant wait for 20 years to really see what happens. I guess I will be coming back to this post in the late future.

ps - Thank you hamad for pointing out the typos and missing words

Thoughts 15 minutes before a tough exam

Im not sure how to start, so I will just start. Lately I have been watching a lot of anime, I cant help it. It seems like all I want to do.
Specifically im addicted to this really childish anime. You could compare it to the power rangers… Yet I can relate to it!

The concept goes something like this “ All kids have an Egg in their heart, the egg of their dreams, their would be selves” (childish I know)

So we basically have an Egg in ourselves, this egg contains what we dream of and represent what we want to be. In the anime, some children’s wants are so powerful that the egg comes out of their heart and hatches into guardians. (if your still reading I applaud you) Sometimes some children want to achieve their dreams so badly but just cant, mostly because they don’t believe in themselves, those eggs turns blacks, gets an X mark on them and becomes harmful to the children and in some cases others as well. In the anime those kids grow up to be goal-less adults walking through life without ever enjoying it. So its up to all guardians to protect children’s eggs and prevent them for turning black/ or save the black eggs.

Somehow this feels similar, Childrens dream, some of them shine, some of them fall and never get back up.

Back to the anime, there are 2 characters I can really relate to …

1st is actually the bad guy of the anime, An evil scientist that preys on weak children and causes their eggs to turn black, crushing them. His story was that he wanted to be a professor one day and create an amazing type of robot, He really wanted it, so his dream egg came out, but before the egg could hatch into a guardian, it was accidentally crushed by one of his failure robots, slowly due to time he was forced to give up on his dream due to societal and parental pressures, his egg never returned. I guess you can say failures are deadly if you do not know how to pick yourself up after one.

The 2nd character I can relate to is a stray cat like boy, who is so indifferent yet so not. Someone who keeps quite and keeps everything to himself because of the fear of getting hurt or hurting others. Someone who cant seem to place importance in himself yet places importance in others.

These seem like negative things for me to relate to, but I’m at a point in my life where I need something I can relate to, I need to understand what im feeling, because right now a lot of things to me just don’t make sense, and the more I question them, the more I get sting or at the very least a bunch of angry screams.

I know its all in my hand, but I don’t have the motivation to do anything about it, I seem to have lost that, along with reason.

Im not too sure how I am going to try to understand

I could be facing the worst reality check, but I don’t want to accept it. Why cant I dream, just for a bit longer?

Cracked this morning worst and weak
Tears roll down from inside my cheek
Strange timing
Oppurtunity knocks
Sun comes up, paradox

Don't ask me if I'm hungry
I'm not sick
Somethings tearing me up
Brick by brick
And I feel guilty
as I sigh
I'm feeling guilty
Why do I?

Cracked this morning
worse and sad
Or have I already told you that
Forget my plans to grow a vine
You wern't dressed to burn these thoughts of mine

pardon me while I burstinto flames.
I've had enough of the world
and its people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burnand rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me...I'll never be the same!

Pardon me while I burst...

I need you to hear,
I need you to see
that I have had all I can take
and exploding seems like a
DEFINITE possibility to me.

Reflecting-questions-extermly random

Of late I have been asking people these questions that I have been asking myself, I never did tell anyone my answers but I am going to post some of them here now.

1) What are things I learnt from others this/last year?

Something I learnt last year is that always have a plan, making a plan only takes about 5 minutes, but it is the key to having a successful event, career, session, outing.

I learnt the importance of relevance and roles, everything in your life has to have a role, a purpose and if it doesnt then it shouldnt be in my life, or if it has a negative role it shouldn’t be in my life as well.

There is always a way to link A to B, I just have to find that link



2) What is something I want to teach people?

I want to teach people to never give up and to keep trying, I am a strong believer in second chances, mainly because I always get a second chance, and sometimes that is maybe all I need, a second chance.

3) What is something I learnt by myself?

I learnt I need to fail, I really did hurt to fail, It sucks that I had to fail really badly just to realize things about myself I didnt know, but I needed it, mainly because it made me aware of alot of things, also its because I need to learn how to deal with failure and how to pick up the lessons learnt and move on. Which I can be bad at doing sometimes

I learnt that I am not ready for alot of things, but I want to do them anyways mainly because I am not ready. I lost the fear of tasking on a task I know nothing about, because I know I will be able to work my way through


I guess for me these are the 3 main questions that I really felt like sharing.
more blog posts to come

Invested time

I will try to keep this post short,

I really want to thank all that invested time in me, All those late night cups of coffee and ice cream eating sessions.

Or maybe long phone calls or chats online. Cool chill outs at DQ, Papa Johns or Jasmis. Long drives or walks in the souq.

Or checking out good looking khabas guys.... It all means a lot to me.

So I just need to thank all those that invested time in me in 2007, before 2007 ends.

Thinking out loud

Reflecting Back .. just some random thoughts

Sitting at my desk at work, counting down the days before the year ends, I am really thankful as to how this year has turned out.

Currently listening to Orinoco flow by Enya, work will end in about an Hour. After that I have a mid term and extra classes. Currently my schedule is over packed with alot of things to do.

Thinking back, the year was filled with alot of memorable occasions, more like memorable places or conversations that I can always go back to reflect on. When the year began the only 2 goals I set for myself are to get my license and to try and find sponsorship for university. I am sad to admit that I did not do both, however the time I spent doing alot of other things, to me right now I feel was well worth it.

Now my year is ending, what really happened last year shouldn't really matter right? Or should it?

I guess I should sit with myself on the 31st and have a big reflect ... I should probably use the eid holidays to set expectations and goals for myself for next year ... and oh yeah the license and the sponsorship are 2 of the many things I should do.

So hats off to a rocky 07 ... 41 days left for me to enjoy the year.

IC 2007

This could be long ….

My First IC Experience started with me waiting in the airport for 9 hours to be picked up by the CC (Congress Committee). Fortunately I had met up with the Sri Lankan IC Delegates and the You Can Brazil delegates as well, so the wait without food or sleep was bearable.

Being in Turkey challenged me in many different ways. It was mostly about self realization, coming to terms with what I am not capable of doing and how can I improve myself. It's weird because being at IC, I could definitely say that I was really frustrated and very happy at the same time. Frustration could have been due to some sort of cultural shock, but IC was truly an interesting experience. An over all "great" in my books.

Some sessions weren't very interesting, but some I enjoyed. My highlight of IC was meeting amazing people and having amazing conversations with them. On the last Day of the conference I had an amazing conversation with the current 07/08 VP X. It was one hell of a conversation for me to speak to someone who is so passionate about Exchange. That’s motivation stamped all over me.

The country that I felt in love with is Malta, The Maltase where just so easy to get along with. That is one new country I want to visit in the near future. I am also very proud of the Bahraini Delegation. I Think they really represented Bahrain in the Best Manner. A country That I also Admire is Germany for the efforts they are putting into expanding into the middle east. I think they are doing an amazing Job.

Of coarse this is no all I have to say about IC. But its just an overview of what my IC experience was like and what are my main feelings about IC.

University Finals, AIESEC and Work
Busy, Happy and Sick .....

8 more days to august ... can wait to see what suprises August has for me

If I could sing out a song right now for you, Just explain how im feeling it would be Wind by Akeboshi .. lyric are below

Cultivate your hunger before you idealize.
Motivate your anger to make them all realize.
Climbing the mountain, never coming down.
Break into the contents, never falling down.

My knee is still shaking, like I was twelve,
Sneaking out of the classroom, by the back door.
A man railed at me twice though, but I didn't care.
Waiting is wasting for people like me.

Don't try to live so wise.
Don't cry 'cause you're so right.
Don't try with fakes or fears,
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end.

You say, "Dreams are dreams.
"I ain't gonna play the fool anymore."
You say, "'Cause I still got my soul."

Take your time, baby, your blood needs slowing down.
Breach your soul to reach yourself before you gloom.
Reflection of fear makes shadows of nothing, shadows of nothing.

You still are blind, if you see a winding road,
'Cause there's always a straight way to the point you see.

Don't try to live so wise.
Don't cry 'cause you're so right.
Don't try with fakes or fears,
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end.

July started with me saying goodbye to 3 amazing people. I guess this is the hardest part of AIESEC to say goodbye to people and to thank people about the effect they had in your life.

To John, Claude and Lyna, Thank you for the impact you had in my life, and good luck in the next steps of your lives, you have my support.

Words can't express my feelings towards the 3 of you.

June

The 3 days in June I would remember

26th June - First Day of Natco, Skipping the whole amazing day and going to the highlight of that day. For me it was receiving a recognition, I accidentally saw my name just before they where going to be announcing the final recognition and I had no idea that I was being considered, hearing all those amazing things being said to me and having the guys behind me whispering things to me clam me down .. It was great.

27th June - Second Day of Natco, our guest speaker (Amal) was amazing. Reflecting back on the day my only thoughts of the day where I am going to work on my presentation skills until they reach Amal's level and I will do my best a VP X.

28th June - Last Day of Natco, reality started to sink in today, I was extremely nervous about allocation of people into teams, I think in the end I got an amazing X Team, I said goodbye to a few X members but I'm welcoming in a lot. There are a lot of memories on that day, mostly ones of when I first start AIESEC. We ended the day with singing like mad, just one of those time I can look across the room and actually feel comfortable with the people around me.

2 years in Infocall!

Today the 7th of June 2007 I have officially completed working in Infocall for 2 years. For those who do not know, Infocall is the first and only company I have worked with .. So completing 2 whole years with Infocall means that I have successfully been independent for 2 years!

Thinking back, these past 2 years have taught me a lot ... I have been tested in so many ways ... and every time I was angry and every time I taught I could not handling the stress, the pressure or the problems I would stop take an hour to clear my head and continue. I have no idea what made me continue… It has been the toughest 2 years of my life and now sitting here my only thought is yes I have made it through 2 years, yes I can do this. I AM doing fine...

But I have to admit it has been an amazing 2 years, dispute the ugly side of the 2 years there where happy times and I did learn a lot, and I am thankful.

There are people that I just have to mention today ...

1) Roydon - An excellent Boss and friend
2) Mark - Exactly the Same as Roydon
3) Daryl - A fellow team member ... The person who I sit and trouble every morning ..
4) Rana - I knew better by working with you than I did in school .. I will miss you when you leave
5) Jomaya - I know you for 11 years!!!! we where in class together now we work together
6) Safiya - Safiya your an idiot ... but I admire your strength your a survivor .
Lastly
7) Shuhrah - Yeah your cool .. your completely different that what I thought you where

We have 3 new additions to the team Hala, Eman and Arif .. looking forward to getting to know these people ....

My Infocall team ... the people that see me 10 hours a day straight .... Im glad I got to know and work with you all ....

Reflecting Back

This post is just to reflect back on the previous 5 months of this year ...
It's June now .. the 6th month of the year which means that there are only 6 months left for the year to end ... How has the year been so far?

Lets Find out …

January - The year started with me traveling .. I was in UAE on the 1st of Jan ... I missed the birthday of 2 of my good friends, but I was forgiven ... I was actually Not looking forward to the year but that’s changed now... on about the 3rd of Jan I traveled to Thailand ... It was amazing and fun .. But I hated the shopping for clothes part but I enjoyed buying a lot of weird things! I'm glad I got to see Thailand.

February - AIESEC work had just start, I helped with the recruitment marketing materials and OC-ed for the Desert Rose conference .. I am sure that there where more projects I worked on but this is all I can remember at the moment. These projects/Events stood out.

March - Oh March is a month to remember ... Going to Morocco MENA LDS .. I will never forget March '07 ... and I also remember helping John (an AIESECer from Australia and one of the 3 AIESECers that manages AIESEC Bahrain on a National Level) search for students abroad to fill in our first newly raised internship here in Bahrain. Words cannot explain what I felt in march. Another person I have to mention is my mate Lyna .. I guess she added to the magic of March (and February ..).

April - I know that there where things that happened in April .. recruitment was going on, and Handled my own Mini training session. But you could say April was a resting period for me.

May - Another month that was crazy, It started off with me going to the Bahrain International Travel Expo (BITE) representing my Beloved Organization AIESEC , Helped an AIESECer called Aysha with the marketing Material for an upcoming conference and she and other AIESECers are organizing, Then there was the induction capstone conference ( this was a conference for the new AIESEC members) , the FAMA Awards which was organized by my friend .. It was fun to attend, there was also AIESEC E-Board elections taking place .. I ran for the position Vice President of Exchange (on a Local Committee Level) ... Running for the VP position was nerve wrecking, I was so nervous on the day ... but I so happy because I got it! Lastly .. the last event of May was the Youth Round Table .. This is some thing that my mate John has been working on for a while, I was amazed to see how an idea had been brought to life .. I got a lot of motivation from that conference ..

Now I await to see what June brings .. I have a feeling it is going to be an amazing month as well…

Morals, Morals and Morals.
I can't seem to get that word out of my head. To me morals and values are something are more big than religion. I dont know why but lately it's the first thing I think of when I get up, and the thoughts keep coming until I fall asleep. I dont know, maybe I am becoming religious without even realizing it ... well I have no idea, this is the only thing on my mind right now.

What should I do? What should I do?
Been faced with a lot of tough decisions lately.
should I do something that will make me happy or should do the things that others think will make me happy? I'm really an easy going person, but lately I have been have trouble with whether I should do the correct thing for me or do the "morally correct thing", and the correct thing for me may not be the best for other people. I hate lying or being manipulative, plus I was never good at lying may be a bit ok with BS'ing but not lying. A lot of people have been telling me if you want to live a good and peaceful life you have to lie a little, Take what you want in anyway possible. Should I lie and manipulate people to my will? or should I just be honest and straight to the point? All I do have in my life are my morals ... and if I abandon them now then what happens next. Life would be so much easier if I just lied but I don't think I would be fully content with myself if I did lie ... in the end it is my morals and values that I do stick by. How can I tell these people that I am not want they want me to be? what path should I take to find my inner and outter peace ....

Summer is back!

I not sure if I should jump in joy or sulk and curse. Although the heat may be excruciating one can't help but be happy. So many pool dates have been set, and many more to come. The fridge seems to be stock pilled with Ice cream and the Air conditioners are all on full blast...

Cursing the fact that I have work and university but hey my goal this summer is to have fun ....

Imagen ... taking over the living room ... I got resident playing on mute on the television ... Bleach playing on my laptop ... the AC switched on... full blast ... the room is not too bright but not too dull ... just laying around enjoying the fact that I am wasting time .. eating Ice cream while wrapped up in a blanket.... to me that sounds like a fun dream .. add some music to the background .. Drive by incubus ....

Sigh* that would be so cool to do this summer ... apart from pools and ice skating ... just relaxing ..