Circle

“A circle is the reflection of eternity. It has no beginning and it has no end - and if you put several circles over each other, then you get a spiral. - Maynard James Keenan”

I have always been a circle type person. For me, they simply represent wholeness. Be it the completion of a cycle, the completion of a person or maybe completion in general. And the most beautiful part after completion is that you get start again, not the same circle but a new one.

If we sit down and reflect for a minute, and pile those invisible circles we have completed; the good ones as well as the bad ones; how high would our towers be? Are there any circles that you should be letting go off but you just can’t? Of course there are. It isn’t easy to let go of the flow of control, or to accept that this will be the end of something ever so precious, or even understand that this is what is meant to happen. I know. I myself have shed many tears about it.

 A while ago I something stupid. I am sure we all have at a certain point in our life. And I assure this wasn’t the first stupid thing I have done nor would it be the last. To put it in simpler terms, I held on to my own personal growth out of fear. I stopped myself from reaching my first step of completion because I was so scared that after the process I would still not be good enough. Sounds vague, and yet relatable doesn’t it?

I kept giving up. Whenever I was so close, whenever I was doing well, fear would come to play and assist me with giving up. It became routine that I actually felt comfortable being incomplete until my good old friend Life came knocking on my door with a bunch of reality checks. You see because I was stopping my personal growth from happening, I was indirectly killing my relationships, my career, and my future. And the fear of not being good enough eventually tracked me down to the point were, a) I really was not good enough and b) I could only use the excuse “it is because I gave up”.

For me, for a while that tower of circles never got built, because I never let anything come to wholeness. At most, all the circles in my life ended up grouping together to form chains around me keeping me down. But it wasn’t the end of the world.  All I needed to do was complete them one at a time. Sounds easy right? Let me reaffirm that it is that easy actually, and things are much better. While I do have some days where I feel that I am still not good enough, there have been days that I can stand my ground. All I have to remember is, it’s ok to handle this one circle at a time, it’s ok to let go and that all good and bad things come to an end.

Are our dreams a luxury

Are we plagued with Success Stories?

It is a question that pops in my head every now and then.  We grew up watching Disney, To adults telling us that if you can dream it you can do it, If you are not doing it then you don’t want it bad enough.

How true is this?

When it comes to dreams, the one thing I have learnt is that no one is going to take your hand and help you, it’s the lonest process ever, battling it out with yourself and by yourself. 

But what if, to some of us our dreams are a luxury that we can’t afford.

When we are younger, Our dreams seem to be infinite, there is nothing that we feel we cant achieve.

Then we grow up, and everything seems to be as if we are chasing butterflies.

Dreams take time and money.

And if you are a part of the real world, a world where you have to get up to a  8 to 10 hour job a day to put food on the table, there is just no room for sacrificing, (I am not saying that my situation is as extreme as my sentence)

When you are this unhappy, you seek for things within your power, to make yourself feel happy so that you can wake up the next day and work all over again.

But you will always cry about the dreams you can’t give up.

Because you know deep down, inside that this is not what you are meant to do,  deep down inside you know you should be setting time aside to go out and achieve your dreams, instead of doing everything in your power to stop yourself from going crazy or worst trying to kill yourself.

You begin to hate yourself; however that hate gets worst when you realize that you have wasted so much time surviving that you have not developed any talent for your dreams at all.

You need to live, eat, breath and sleep your dreams, however you have no talent.

And everyone pours their infinite wisdom into you and confirms everything you already know, it’s because you don’t want it bad enough that is hasn’t happened.

But now you have nothing to sacrifice, and you don’t get them because you are so talentless & you don’t want them bad enough.

You can’t be the next Walt Disney, you don’t make the cut, you aren’t good enough, you can’t make up your mind, you are not committed.

By now I am sure you have spent so much time, helping everyone out without wanting recognition for it, in fact I believe you have been told several times who asked you to?  And now you realize everything you invested time in, never wanted you to invest time in it in the first place, you hate yourself even more.

You have no time, money or talent.

And you are stuck with the idea, of dreams being a luxury you can’t afford, because you don’t have the power to get up and do them.

What are you going to do now?

Settle Vs Just

“Many things happened in my life, and I thought that they changed me… but in the end, nothing has changed since I was seventeen.. If I could keep today’s happiness… I wouldn’t worry about tomorrow. ” ― Ai Yazawa

I have always been a 50/50 person, ever since I could remember! Some days where easy to walk through while others where a struggle. However I have always had the same philosophy, at the end of it all, when I am on my death bed, I would like to know that I have had more good days than bad, even if it is just a day difference between the both! 

But lately I have been wondering, What if happiness is really a state of mind? Maybe it is, but we all feel different about it sometimes. 

We all get knocked down, Some of harder than the rest, but we get up, using our own methods and stand tall in our own ways, because we are built to survive. 

We may not get the best card’s dealt to us, but we make do with what we have, and in some cases it makes us luckier than having a good playing hand, because that’s how we learn our values. 

We have come so far, and yet we are worried about tomorrow! And when tomorrow comes, we realize its not as scary as we thought! We settle for a happy day, and then repeat the entire process again and again and again! 

I have been through a lot! We all have, and on some days I wonder… has nothing changed since last year? Maybe it has, maybe it hasn’t. Am I going to stop being happy because of it? I sometimes do and sometimes don’t, even though I know its wrong. 

But I know I am always ready to try again, to see where I end up, because there is a chance it will all turn out different. 

And then maybe I can stop settling for happy days and just be happy?

Salt and Sorrow

“They say that only very good friends quarrel. But at the end of the day a quarrel is a fight between two people’s egos. Since people cannot understand each other by just being honest. May be its impossible to live your whole life without getting hurt but don’t hurt the people close to you.” ― Ai Yazawa

I don’t need to hear your voice to understand that you wanted to hurt me, I don’t need to see your face to know which words were meant for me, and as time passes slowly I cant help but wonder why?

The clock has been too soon to strike witching hour, it’s that time of the night where we wish to exposure and bare our souls to who ever is available to listen, yet I curl, into the most protective position I can find, My soul needs protection, I need protection, and from that sorrow salt is born. Almost therapeutically cleansing my soul.

And even if my biological anatomy is ridding me from sorrow and all its traces, the scars of this new hurt runs deep. It becomes an unseen wound growing on my soul.

It speaks to me, in its fragile broken voice, from the depths of my mind, giving birth to doubt and despair. And though they are newly born, they have befriends my unconscious, tormenting me slowly.
The voice of reason has gone.

And by now it is way pass the witching hour, with not a soul at sight, everyone must be sleeping soundly by now, yet you left me awake with your words.

I wonder what do we call people that hurt other people?

Questions about dreaming chasing

“Nana...how come being happy and making your dreams come true are two different things? Even now, I still don't know why...” ― Ai Yazawa



Lets talk about dreams, and I am not talking about the ones you have when your safely tucked away in bed, sleeping away life.
No I am talking about the ones you yearn for or better yet the ones you ache for, the ones you lose sleep over.
I was always under the impression that if you achieve your dreams you will achieve happiness, but I have come to see that it may not be the case all the time.

Essentially we are already happy and content, even if we are to debate whether we are really truly happy or not, without achieving those said dreams, I think that we can come to the conclusion that because we are happy and content right now, we don’t have the urge to go chase our dreams, and that is maybe why, sadly not everyone’s dreams get realized.
What I mean to say is, how many times have we come accross a person that said "Well I would like so and so, but if it doesnt happen I am alright with that" or seen a person that clearly has a vision yet isnt doing anything to achieve it.

In my opinion I think that they are like that not because of fear, or anything negative, but because they just have too much positive things going on for them that it doesnt make sense to chase their dreams.

You see chasing dreams, its not a simple easy process, it involves a lot of work, a lot of set backs and disappointments, a lot of dedication and persistence, and an insanely huge amount of faith you have in yourself and in the universe, but the end result is rewarding.
That is exactly why we admire those who set out and chaise their dreams, it is also why we get inspired by them, and this is also why people give up on their dreams as well.
So here is what I am trying to ask , Is your current happiness and comfort in life worth more than that of what your dreams could provide you? Can you been happy and have life’s comfort while chasing your dreams? and is it Ok not to achieve your dreams?

Are our habits worth dying for?

I have tried to left that part of me behind, but before I knew it, it had somehow creped back into my life again, becoming a part of me.

They say old habits die hard, Are we going to die with our habits or without them, or better yet are our habits worth dying for?

I am not sure.

Been thinking a lot lately, as if it is some sort of physical sport I have to practice in order to improve (which clearly we all know is not the case) .

The question that comes to mind is, I am happy with myself and my habits, but others aren’t?  What do I do in this case? Do I try and understand why people would be unhappy with them, do I change completely or so I find a middle ground? What should I do indeed, when I am happy and someone else is not so happy with me.. What indeed should I do?

We no matter how much I think about it, If you’re happy then YOU ACTUALLY ARE happy, we are going come across people that will disapprove of what we do, in fact we come across these people more often than we think we would.  I think the best solution is the stand your ground unless you find a reason not to, because lets face it, we as human beings are absolutely shit at doing things we don’t want to do. We thrive on motivation and no one else can tell us better, with that being said, be what you believe is right, even when others find it wrong,  But remember once in a while you got to put blind stubbornness aside and think “Are our habits worth dying for?”

Because some time when we live with our eyes closed, we end up missing some important wake up call and we needed to have.

Closing a cycle

Last night I dreamt of you, I dreamt that you where doing well and happy with life.

I held your hand for hours not wanting to let go, how could I lose you when I had just found you again, but I could see from the look in your eyes you weren’t going to stay.

Sooner or later I would have to lose you again, and so I asked you a simple question, “Are you happy with the decision you have made?” you nodded yes, and then I made a decision…. I let go, and watched you disappear for the second time.

When I woke up, realizing it was just a dream made me feel slightly disappointed.

Are you doing well or are you happy? Questions always on my mind, but I think by now we have reached the end of a cycle and I have no more regrets.

What was, what was suppose to be, isn’t anymore and shouldn’t be, I can see that clearly now.

And now that the anger, confusion and depression has faded away, all that remains is the sounds of our laughter echoing of the walls of my bedroom.

We had a good cycle, and now even though I was unable to say it to you face to face, goodbye and good luck.

Time

I have kind of noticed that I have a tendency of wanting to blog during working hour, I feel like its a “this cant wait moment” I get from time to time.

Thinking back to last year (which was not to long ago) and all the things that have happened.

I cried and I laughed,

I Travelled on some holidays , while I spent the others in bed,

I worried myself out too much at times, and too little at other times,

I watch hours of T.V and then dedicated hours to reading books,

I lost some friends, and I gained new family members,

I fought for what I believed in, and I also doubted myself,

All in one year, And I have come to realize that we live in moments and its all these little moments in our lives that define who we are, every thing in the end has a way of working itself out, and time has a way of making you forget about all the bad stuff, and that’s why we always say “I remember the good old days”

I think I did alright, and I am not so heart broken anymore either, I was thinking it would have been harder living on after, feeling an immense amount of pain, having a dead end life and nothing to look forward to, But time seems to be more kinder to me that I was to myself, it treated me with care and patience, and lead me on to a new path, A new path that is constantly unfolding. 

I may have some up days and I may have some days where I will get really low, but I know that no matter what happens, everything will always continue to move forward, and that’s what makes me feel gratitude towards life and time.

In the end, I just wanted to say good luck this year guys, we have made it this far =)

Dear Dairy part 2

Just one of those that’s where I wish I can say I’m fine, and if I’m not I will be fine

I’m tired, oh so tired, I’m tired of false hope, I’m tired of people believing in me, I’m tried of even reading horoscopes just to believe that my day will be better.

And I don’t know what to do about any of it. I seem to be having an internal struggle with myself. Kind of like your whole world has been falling apart slowly, however you forced yourself not to notice, and then a train wreck forces you to see reality … And you’re just stuck there watching…. every single thing fall apart.

You don’t know why you’re anger any more, or why you’re sad, why you’re restless, you don’t know anything, not even what makes you happy right now.

“ I don't want to be the one, The battles always choose, 'Cause inside I realize, That I'm the one confused”

“I don't know what's worth fighting for, Or why I have to scream, I don't know why I instigate, And say what I don't mean, I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright.”

Dear Dairy Part 1

"The flow of time cleanses the past and heals the wounds in people's hearts. But there are wounds we cant speak of." — Ai Yazawa

I wonder if the 10^th of October will be one of those events that we just can’t speck of? It seems that we really can't turn back time or reverse the flow of life. Neither can we control which direction it is flowing too.

Good times go fast, but when its bad, its like watching everything happen is slow motion, almost as if time stops. And since last night it doesn’t seem to want to start again.

I suppose its one of those “what ever you do next will define you” situations. It’s the turning point. But sometimes, some of us, don’t necessarily grow from bad experiences. Sometimes we don’t become stronger.

So the question I am asking today is, am I turning towards good or am I turning towards bad? Am I strong enough?

Questions

To help or be helped? I am usually “be helped”… To be honest i’m lost (not sad, depressed or in misery just lost), I usually am, but I am guessing that it’s part of being alive… I think? So many questions that I do not have the answer too, but I guess if someone else did maybe it might help me a little bit, so I am asking, to those that don’t mind sharing, to answer what ever you can

1) What is love? Spiritually and scientifically?

2) Are we all really the best we can be?

3) Why is it we have to be cruel to be kind sometimes?

4) What is a balanced life? And how can you achieve it?

5) What makes people good? And what makes people bad? Are we really the right people to judge?

6) What is control? How can we let go?

7) They say that self confidence and self love is directly related to each other, I love myself, but still not ready to come out of my shell, what does that mean? That I truly don’t love myself?

8) If so how does one love themselves?

9) What is talent? How do we define it? How do we know if we have any…

10) We say we are sad all the time, but honestly are we truly sad?

11) What is the end result of it all?

12) What is the best we can be? And how do we know we are at our best?

13) What does marriage mean? And why do we get married?

14) What does being pregnant feel like?

15) How does it feel to hold your first child?

16) How can you know who you are without looking through the eyes of another?

17) What is the true definition of strength?

18) Are we truly living?

19) What are we so scared of?

20) What are the things we have control off and what are the things we don’t have control over? How do we recognize that and just let go?

21) How does one invest in themselves?

22) What if people you respect and admire, start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she/he is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

23) Can we really truly define things as right or wrong?

I walk alone part 2

“You know Hachi, your life depends only on ourselves. I’m still convinced about this… But I’ve also learned to accept that people… don’t all become as strong, and it made me kinder than before." — Ai Yazawa


I have always believed that people are strong in their own ways, and I am sure I am strong in my own way as well! But seriously how do we define strength? What is the criteria for calling a person strong?

This I still don’t know, So for now all I can do is stand by my decisions and believe that the outcome of it all will be the best.

Continuing what I said before, I still walk alone.

Not because I can, but maybe because I cant.
Not because I am comfortable doing so, but rather I don’t know how to.
Not because I hate people, but because I love them.
And lastly, Not because I have nothing to lose or nothing to gain, but because I want to learn to protect everyone.

In my own way, this journey by myself, I am sure it will make me stronger. I’m sure it will push my limits, and make me see things in a new perspective, and I am sure at the end of it all, it will make me kinder, Because at the end of the day, the only thing I want to be, the only thing I want to do, is be the best person I can ever be, to myself and to others.

Questions

I am normally not to good about talking about things or explaining them very well. Been having a rollercoaster trend in life right now, and I guess I wanted to get some help with it.

You see, I cant really say I am sad, or depressed, but I cant truly say that I am happy either.

Why? Can I pin point the exact thing that makes me sad or shall I say “doesn’t make me completely happy”, not really.
I know we live in a imperfect world and are surrounded by imperfect things, and that we ourselves are imperfect, but I wonder, am I suppose to settle for imperfect happiness because of that?

My world kind of seems like a bucket of white paint, that has a thin, slow and steady line of black paint being added to it over time, making me view the world with grey impure eyes, as if I am always in the twilight.
What does it mean to truly be happy?

I don’t understand, and that’s why I search for it, that’s why I wake up and do the things I need to do, and that why I try to improve myself, and I really do try so damn hard.

But what if all I do just goes about bring a negative impact for myself? and what if the stories and experience I can share with others brings about tears, rather than smiles? What if I end up adding some black paint into someone’s pure white paint? What if I become completely black in my search for true happiness? What if I never truly smile from the bottom of my heart or make someone else smile from the bottom of their heart?

Questions I keep asking myself that make me sadder ...

Back to Basics – Part 2

So this time its for real, I am really back to basics.

My Blackberry broke, and I am without connectivity, I do not plan to repair it, nor do I plan to replace it. I am actually happy with my simple china made phone that cant do much but call from (Heck I can’t even change the ring tone).

Now what? Let me just tell you, as easy as it is thought to be, readjusting from once using a sort of smart phone to not being able to use one is tougher than it seems.

I know that I do have option of going out and getting one, but I am trying my best not too, Why, because there are things you learn by not being connected.

1) I did learn that I was being very irresponsible at work by being on my phone all the time, I was just hitting my deadlines, but that’s not good enough at all, That’s like giving everything an average performance, while you except everyone (or thing) to give you an excellent performance. The world just doesn’t work like that.

2) I realized that I was being more available to others and not available to myself, and I was more tempted to go out and have fun, instead of staying in and doing something more productive, I was always pushing my problems a side to listen to others problems.

3) I spent more time reading garage than reading anything useful, The same messages with different wording, sent day in and day out, there was a time when I would come back home from work and take a book of my bookshelf’s and read, then Smartphones came into action, and the only reading I have been doing was from emails, messages, facebook and twitter.

4) I lost contact with people who did not have any sort of Smartphone, because it was too out of the way to make an effort to contact. And I wasted my time with the wrong people, people who haven’t been in contact with me every since my blackberry broke, people who I cared a lot for, but I know would not call me to check on me ever.

If I be really honest these aren’t big changes at all, but a lot of small changes can always lead to one big change, and right now I am just trying to be the best person I can be with my own abilities, and if I find even the slightest negative influence, and thing or person taking me in the wrong direction, I wont hesitate to cut them out.

I walk alone

They often say that a problem shared is half the trouble. We all tend to live our lives, walking hand in hand, lending our strength and also sharing someone else’s strength.

But here is what I am saying, no matter what, no matter how painful, no matter how lonely, I choose and will walk alone.

For  awhile, at least until I am able to walk on my own two feet without anyone’s help, and until I learn to fly.

Until then I will walk alone. (Or fly alone).

I'm looking to the sky to save me, Looking for a sign of life

Looking for something to help me burn out bright, I'm looking for a complication

Looking cause I'm tired of trying, Make my way back home when I learn to fly high

Make my way back home when I learn to. .  

 Foo Fighters – learn to fly 

Flash Back

It all started with words “Do you trust me” it was enough to let me forget all the fears I have had at that point of time. How often is it that we can find safety in the eyes of someone you barely know? Someone who isn’t a friend and yet who isn’t a stranger.

I would say from personal experience that not so often, and there you where. Standing in front of me, when you had the world to choose from, asking me to trust you. How could I not feel safe in your arms?

Many years have passed since then, and I have met many people during those years, I have established trusting friendships and relationships that I can fall back on. I have a steady career path since then and safety and comfort in life.

And yet sometimes, when I close my eyes, I still see you standing there with an out stretched arm asking me to trust you. 

Back to the future

Silhouettes dance for me on the walls of my hotel room, they tell me stories about “what if?” and the endless possible endings.

Reminiscing about the past as I lay on my bed, I think of the days when all I needed to go out and have a good time was 300 fils (which is less than a dollar). It was enough for a can of coke, a pack of crisp and a phone call to get a ride home.

It was in those days that we held our heads high and proud, because of the many mistakes we have made, and the innocence of just not knowing better, that accompanied us where ever we went.

And as we walked down the streets of our favorite hangouts, little did we know that those where the days that we decided who and what we are and will be in the many years to come.

And because of that we will walk like Kings and Queens, with pride in ourselves for the rest of our lives, But only if we remember to, and not youthfully disregard our past and the many decisions we had made in the previous years to defined us to our very core.

It makes me realize of the lies put forwards my silhouettes, about the endless possibilities of maybe. How defined would we be if we kept playing on a maybe? And didn’t we already decide that we are going to be happy?

Circles & Chances

Truth be told, I was having a rough day yesterday, but it was nothing that couldn’t be fixed, My final thoughts for the night where circles and chances.

A friend once told me something that roughly translate to this: " if you have a problem, or if you have something you want to achieve (New House, Car, Amazing Job, etc, etc) you need to create a circle of influence."

A circle of influence is made of people (Friends or strangers) that can actually help you achieve what needs to be achieved. The theory is that you talk about what you want to achieve to the correct people that can help you make it happen.

It’s kind of like for example, You wanting a new job. How are people going to know that you are looking for a new job if you did not tell them? You would be missing out on the many opportunities that could have presented it’s self to you because no one knows that you are looking for a new job.

Going back to what I was saying earlier, If there is something I want or need, I should have a circle of influence to help with me it, and for the past couple of years I have spent a bit of time building up circle of influences for different things in my life, and I have come to realize 2 things (well maybe more, but there is only 2 I want to talk about)

This first thing is, Not everyone you know and meet belong in your circle of influence. What I mean by this is that, Sometimes the people you love the most in life are not good for your circle of influence and sometimes the strangers you meet in a random shop could be the ones to help you achieve what you have been trying to achieve. Why? Well that’s something you have to sit and figure out yourselves.

And the second thing, At the end of the day it all comes down to individual creativity and the chances that you are able to make the most of. The failure to express how your mind works at the right given opportunity is a clear failure to yourself representation and what you want to achieve.

It’s safe to say that the reason why some things have been working out for me, is because I am surrounded by the correct people I need to be surrounded by. In all fairness to them they are amazing, and I am glad to know them.

"In my dream, the angel shrugged and said, if we fail this time, it will be a failure of imagination and then she placed the world gently in the palm of my hand." — Brian Andreas

again

Again, I can’t help but mention that I am far from it and I know it. In fact I think by now you know it as well.

This time I was so close, and now I am yet again so close to nothingness.

Months and months of crafting the perfect balance, only to be broken in 5 minutes.

I know what you would say to me, start over again, if you keep learning what not to do, you will eventually learn what you should be doing.

But right now I can’t, I just can’t.

And Again I ask you, why is that we cry without know what exactly we are crying about?


“ Little angel go away, Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today, I'll never hear a word you say
Promised I would find a little solace, And some peace of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so …Desperate and ravenous, So weak and powerless - Perfect Circle “

Until I am Fine

Been trying for the past hour to actually write down how I am feeling right about now, and all I have is the below lyrics. I wish I could fade away until I am fine.

I don’t want to fight anymore, or assure anyone that everything will be better. I don’t want to decided, or deal with confusion, mine or others. I don’t want to go past tomorrow. Today is the maximum I can do. I don’t want to push for greatness, mine or others, simple is what I can handle right now. I don’t want to lose or win. I just want to nothing everthing.

So tired I think I may actually fall asleep today.

" Don't ask me if I'm hungry, I'm not sick
Something’s tearing me apart, Brick by brick
And I feel guilty as I sigh, I'm feeling guilty, Why do I?
Take your hands out of mine
Take a rope and tie these thoughts of mine down
Until I'm fine
Cracked this morning worse and sad
Or have I already told you that
Forget my plans to grow a vine
You weren't dressed to burn these thoughts of mine
Until I'm fine - K's Choice"