Circle

“A circle is the reflection of eternity. It has no beginning and it has no end - and if you put several circles over each other, then you get a spiral. - Maynard James Keenan”

I have always been a circle type person. For me, they simply represent wholeness. Be it the completion of a cycle, the completion of a person or maybe completion in general. And the most beautiful part after completion is that you get start again, not the same circle but a new one.

If we sit down and reflect for a minute, and pile those invisible circles we have completed; the good ones as well as the bad ones; how high would our towers be? Are there any circles that you should be letting go off but you just can’t? Of course there are. It isn’t easy to let go of the flow of control, or to accept that this will be the end of something ever so precious, or even understand that this is what is meant to happen. I know. I myself have shed many tears about it.

 A while ago I something stupid. I am sure we all have at a certain point in our life. And I assure this wasn’t the first stupid thing I have done nor would it be the last. To put it in simpler terms, I held on to my own personal growth out of fear. I stopped myself from reaching my first step of completion because I was so scared that after the process I would still not be good enough. Sounds vague, and yet relatable doesn’t it?

I kept giving up. Whenever I was so close, whenever I was doing well, fear would come to play and assist me with giving up. It became routine that I actually felt comfortable being incomplete until my good old friend Life came knocking on my door with a bunch of reality checks. You see because I was stopping my personal growth from happening, I was indirectly killing my relationships, my career, and my future. And the fear of not being good enough eventually tracked me down to the point were, a) I really was not good enough and b) I could only use the excuse “it is because I gave up”.

For me, for a while that tower of circles never got built, because I never let anything come to wholeness. At most, all the circles in my life ended up grouping together to form chains around me keeping me down. But it wasn’t the end of the world.  All I needed to do was complete them one at a time. Sounds easy right? Let me reaffirm that it is that easy actually, and things are much better. While I do have some days where I feel that I am still not good enough, there have been days that I can stand my ground. All I have to remember is, it’s ok to handle this one circle at a time, it’s ok to let go and that all good and bad things come to an end.

Are our dreams a luxury

Are we plagued with Success Stories?

It is a question that pops in my head every now and then.  We grew up watching Disney, To adults telling us that if you can dream it you can do it, If you are not doing it then you don’t want it bad enough.

How true is this?

When it comes to dreams, the one thing I have learnt is that no one is going to take your hand and help you, it’s the lonest process ever, battling it out with yourself and by yourself. 

But what if, to some of us our dreams are a luxury that we can’t afford.

When we are younger, Our dreams seem to be infinite, there is nothing that we feel we cant achieve.

Then we grow up, and everything seems to be as if we are chasing butterflies.

Dreams take time and money.

And if you are a part of the real world, a world where you have to get up to a  8 to 10 hour job a day to put food on the table, there is just no room for sacrificing, (I am not saying that my situation is as extreme as my sentence)

When you are this unhappy, you seek for things within your power, to make yourself feel happy so that you can wake up the next day and work all over again.

But you will always cry about the dreams you can’t give up.

Because you know deep down, inside that this is not what you are meant to do,  deep down inside you know you should be setting time aside to go out and achieve your dreams, instead of doing everything in your power to stop yourself from going crazy or worst trying to kill yourself.

You begin to hate yourself; however that hate gets worst when you realize that you have wasted so much time surviving that you have not developed any talent for your dreams at all.

You need to live, eat, breath and sleep your dreams, however you have no talent.

And everyone pours their infinite wisdom into you and confirms everything you already know, it’s because you don’t want it bad enough that is hasn’t happened.

But now you have nothing to sacrifice, and you don’t get them because you are so talentless & you don’t want them bad enough.

You can’t be the next Walt Disney, you don’t make the cut, you aren’t good enough, you can’t make up your mind, you are not committed.

By now I am sure you have spent so much time, helping everyone out without wanting recognition for it, in fact I believe you have been told several times who asked you to?  And now you realize everything you invested time in, never wanted you to invest time in it in the first place, you hate yourself even more.

You have no time, money or talent.

And you are stuck with the idea, of dreams being a luxury you can’t afford, because you don’t have the power to get up and do them.

What are you going to do now?

Settle Vs Just

“Many things happened in my life, and I thought that they changed me… but in the end, nothing has changed since I was seventeen.. If I could keep today’s happiness… I wouldn’t worry about tomorrow. ” ― Ai Yazawa

I have always been a 50/50 person, ever since I could remember! Some days where easy to walk through while others where a struggle. However I have always had the same philosophy, at the end of it all, when I am on my death bed, I would like to know that I have had more good days than bad, even if it is just a day difference between the both! 

But lately I have been wondering, What if happiness is really a state of mind? Maybe it is, but we all feel different about it sometimes. 

We all get knocked down, Some of harder than the rest, but we get up, using our own methods and stand tall in our own ways, because we are built to survive. 

We may not get the best card’s dealt to us, but we make do with what we have, and in some cases it makes us luckier than having a good playing hand, because that’s how we learn our values. 

We have come so far, and yet we are worried about tomorrow! And when tomorrow comes, we realize its not as scary as we thought! We settle for a happy day, and then repeat the entire process again and again and again! 

I have been through a lot! We all have, and on some days I wonder… has nothing changed since last year? Maybe it has, maybe it hasn’t. Am I going to stop being happy because of it? I sometimes do and sometimes don’t, even though I know its wrong. 

But I know I am always ready to try again, to see where I end up, because there is a chance it will all turn out different. 

And then maybe I can stop settling for happy days and just be happy?

Salt and Sorrow

“They say that only very good friends quarrel. But at the end of the day a quarrel is a fight between two people’s egos. Since people cannot understand each other by just being honest. May be its impossible to live your whole life without getting hurt but don’t hurt the people close to you.” ― Ai Yazawa

I don’t need to hear your voice to understand that you wanted to hurt me, I don’t need to see your face to know which words were meant for me, and as time passes slowly I cant help but wonder why?

The clock has been too soon to strike witching hour, it’s that time of the night where we wish to exposure and bare our souls to who ever is available to listen, yet I curl, into the most protective position I can find, My soul needs protection, I need protection, and from that sorrow salt is born. Almost therapeutically cleansing my soul.

And even if my biological anatomy is ridding me from sorrow and all its traces, the scars of this new hurt runs deep. It becomes an unseen wound growing on my soul.

It speaks to me, in its fragile broken voice, from the depths of my mind, giving birth to doubt and despair. And though they are newly born, they have befriends my unconscious, tormenting me slowly.
The voice of reason has gone.

And by now it is way pass the witching hour, with not a soul at sight, everyone must be sleeping soundly by now, yet you left me awake with your words.

I wonder what do we call people that hurt other people?

Questions about dreaming chasing

“Nana...how come being happy and making your dreams come true are two different things? Even now, I still don't know why...” ― Ai Yazawa



Lets talk about dreams, and I am not talking about the ones you have when your safely tucked away in bed, sleeping away life.
No I am talking about the ones you yearn for or better yet the ones you ache for, the ones you lose sleep over.
I was always under the impression that if you achieve your dreams you will achieve happiness, but I have come to see that it may not be the case all the time.

Essentially we are already happy and content, even if we are to debate whether we are really truly happy or not, without achieving those said dreams, I think that we can come to the conclusion that because we are happy and content right now, we don’t have the urge to go chase our dreams, and that is maybe why, sadly not everyone’s dreams get realized.
What I mean to say is, how many times have we come accross a person that said "Well I would like so and so, but if it doesnt happen I am alright with that" or seen a person that clearly has a vision yet isnt doing anything to achieve it.

In my opinion I think that they are like that not because of fear, or anything negative, but because they just have too much positive things going on for them that it doesnt make sense to chase their dreams.

You see chasing dreams, its not a simple easy process, it involves a lot of work, a lot of set backs and disappointments, a lot of dedication and persistence, and an insanely huge amount of faith you have in yourself and in the universe, but the end result is rewarding.
That is exactly why we admire those who set out and chaise their dreams, it is also why we get inspired by them, and this is also why people give up on their dreams as well.
So here is what I am trying to ask , Is your current happiness and comfort in life worth more than that of what your dreams could provide you? Can you been happy and have life’s comfort while chasing your dreams? and is it Ok not to achieve your dreams?

Are our habits worth dying for?

I have tried to left that part of me behind, but before I knew it, it had somehow creped back into my life again, becoming a part of me.

They say old habits die hard, Are we going to die with our habits or without them, or better yet are our habits worth dying for?

I am not sure.

Been thinking a lot lately, as if it is some sort of physical sport I have to practice in order to improve (which clearly we all know is not the case) .

The question that comes to mind is, I am happy with myself and my habits, but others aren’t?  What do I do in this case? Do I try and understand why people would be unhappy with them, do I change completely or so I find a middle ground? What should I do indeed, when I am happy and someone else is not so happy with me.. What indeed should I do?

We no matter how much I think about it, If you’re happy then YOU ACTUALLY ARE happy, we are going come across people that will disapprove of what we do, in fact we come across these people more often than we think we would.  I think the best solution is the stand your ground unless you find a reason not to, because lets face it, we as human beings are absolutely shit at doing things we don’t want to do. We thrive on motivation and no one else can tell us better, with that being said, be what you believe is right, even when others find it wrong,  But remember once in a while you got to put blind stubbornness aside and think “Are our habits worth dying for?”

Because some time when we live with our eyes closed, we end up missing some important wake up call and we needed to have.

Closing a cycle

Last night I dreamt of you, I dreamt that you where doing well and happy with life.

I held your hand for hours not wanting to let go, how could I lose you when I had just found you again, but I could see from the look in your eyes you weren’t going to stay.

Sooner or later I would have to lose you again, and so I asked you a simple question, “Are you happy with the decision you have made?” you nodded yes, and then I made a decision…. I let go, and watched you disappear for the second time.

When I woke up, realizing it was just a dream made me feel slightly disappointed.

Are you doing well or are you happy? Questions always on my mind, but I think by now we have reached the end of a cycle and I have no more regrets.

What was, what was suppose to be, isn’t anymore and shouldn’t be, I can see that clearly now.

And now that the anger, confusion and depression has faded away, all that remains is the sounds of our laughter echoing of the walls of my bedroom.

We had a good cycle, and now even though I was unable to say it to you face to face, goodbye and good luck.

Time

I have kind of noticed that I have a tendency of wanting to blog during working hour, I feel like its a “this cant wait moment” I get from time to time.

Thinking back to last year (which was not to long ago) and all the things that have happened.

I cried and I laughed,

I Travelled on some holidays , while I spent the others in bed,

I worried myself out too much at times, and too little at other times,

I watch hours of T.V and then dedicated hours to reading books,

I lost some friends, and I gained new family members,

I fought for what I believed in, and I also doubted myself,

All in one year, And I have come to realize that we live in moments and its all these little moments in our lives that define who we are, every thing in the end has a way of working itself out, and time has a way of making you forget about all the bad stuff, and that’s why we always say “I remember the good old days”

I think I did alright, and I am not so heart broken anymore either, I was thinking it would have been harder living on after, feeling an immense amount of pain, having a dead end life and nothing to look forward to, But time seems to be more kinder to me that I was to myself, it treated me with care and patience, and lead me on to a new path, A new path that is constantly unfolding. 

I may have some up days and I may have some days where I will get really low, but I know that no matter what happens, everything will always continue to move forward, and that’s what makes me feel gratitude towards life and time.

In the end, I just wanted to say good luck this year guys, we have made it this far =)

Dear Dairy part 2

Just one of those that’s where I wish I can say I’m fine, and if I’m not I will be fine

I’m tired, oh so tired, I’m tired of false hope, I’m tired of people believing in me, I’m tried of even reading horoscopes just to believe that my day will be better.

And I don’t know what to do about any of it. I seem to be having an internal struggle with myself. Kind of like your whole world has been falling apart slowly, however you forced yourself not to notice, and then a train wreck forces you to see reality … And you’re just stuck there watching…. every single thing fall apart.

You don’t know why you’re anger any more, or why you’re sad, why you’re restless, you don’t know anything, not even what makes you happy right now.

“ I don't want to be the one, The battles always choose, 'Cause inside I realize, That I'm the one confused”

“I don't know what's worth fighting for, Or why I have to scream, I don't know why I instigate, And say what I don't mean, I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright.”

Dear Dairy Part 1

"The flow of time cleanses the past and heals the wounds in people's hearts. But there are wounds we cant speak of." — Ai Yazawa

I wonder if the 10^th of October will be one of those events that we just can’t speck of? It seems that we really can't turn back time or reverse the flow of life. Neither can we control which direction it is flowing too.

Good times go fast, but when its bad, its like watching everything happen is slow motion, almost as if time stops. And since last night it doesn’t seem to want to start again.

I suppose its one of those “what ever you do next will define you” situations. It’s the turning point. But sometimes, some of us, don’t necessarily grow from bad experiences. Sometimes we don’t become stronger.

So the question I am asking today is, am I turning towards good or am I turning towards bad? Am I strong enough?

Questions

To help or be helped? I am usually “be helped”… To be honest i’m lost (not sad, depressed or in misery just lost), I usually am, but I am guessing that it’s part of being alive… I think? So many questions that I do not have the answer too, but I guess if someone else did maybe it might help me a little bit, so I am asking, to those that don’t mind sharing, to answer what ever you can

1) What is love? Spiritually and scientifically?

2) Are we all really the best we can be?

3) Why is it we have to be cruel to be kind sometimes?

4) What is a balanced life? And how can you achieve it?

5) What makes people good? And what makes people bad? Are we really the right people to judge?

6) What is control? How can we let go?

7) They say that self confidence and self love is directly related to each other, I love myself, but still not ready to come out of my shell, what does that mean? That I truly don’t love myself?

8) If so how does one love themselves?

9) What is talent? How do we define it? How do we know if we have any…

10) We say we are sad all the time, but honestly are we truly sad?

11) What is the end result of it all?

12) What is the best we can be? And how do we know we are at our best?

13) What does marriage mean? And why do we get married?

14) What does being pregnant feel like?

15) How does it feel to hold your first child?

16) How can you know who you are without looking through the eyes of another?

17) What is the true definition of strength?

18) Are we truly living?

19) What are we so scared of?

20) What are the things we have control off and what are the things we don’t have control over? How do we recognize that and just let go?

21) How does one invest in themselves?

22) What if people you respect and admire, start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she/he is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

23) Can we really truly define things as right or wrong?